You A Bad Bitch

There are just days, you know.

Days when you look like a librarian on the outside, but feel like the Black Widow on the inside.

Days when you just feel like you need to shoot a Kalashnikov or throw a grenade at something.  And then casually waltz away as the world erupts around you... all set to a kick ass soundtrack.

Well I can't do any of those things today... especially not the skin-tight leather body suit part, but I can listen to my new kick-ass super villainess soundtrack.

1. Demons (Diplo remix) - Sleigh Bells

2. Army of Me (Sucker Punch remix) - Björk (featuring Skunk Anansie)

3. Titanium - David Guetta (featuring Sia)

4. Bitch - Plastiscines

5. Immigrant Song - Karen O, Trent Reznor, and Atticus Ross (from the Girl With A Dragon Tattoo soundtrack)

6. Ich Will - Rammstein

7. Boys Wanna Be Her - Peaches

So, my fellow bad bitches,  let's suit up in our skin-tight leather and go kick the shit out of life.

Congratulations On Being A Pack of Assholes, World

Here is an artist's rendering of my face right now:

Because I'm about to call some motherfuckers out.

Motherfucker #1 (a.k.a does my office look like a motherfucking phone booth to you?)

I work in an office that is adjacent to an area where a bunch of guys work (blue collar types).  Every morning around the time I am just settling in at my desk...  drinking my elixir of life (coffee), reading emails and making snarky comments in my head about them, and just having my morning 'lone time... one of these fellas will step away from their morning status meeting in the next room to take a phone call in my office.

I can't even begin to explain to anyone how much this infuriates me.  It's not even really the phone call so much as the volume at which many people seem to think it is necessary to speak into their phones in order to be heard.  What the for real fuck?

Motherfucker #2 (a.k.a. the construction workers who cried wolf)

I'm sure I'm not the only person that has encountered this phenomenon.  You are driving home from work, it's hot, your head hurts, and you are still a little pissed about people taking phone calls in your office.  It's the same route you take home every single day, but today a sign has been put up to let people know that a lane is closed ahead.  So you dutifully move into the other lane and then come across a strip of carefully placed traffic cone thingamajigs that have not yet been placed to close down the other lane.  'Alright', you think.  They must be getting ready to start the construction tomorrow.  But then the next day, the same thing. And the day after that and after that and after that and so on and so forth until one day you think 'Fuck it. I'm not moving over again because they probably still haven't closed down this lane yet.' Aaaaaand... guess what?

Motherfucker #3 (a.k.a I guess that Matlock marathon kept you pretty busy all day)

There is nothing and I mean NOTHING that I hate more than having to stop at the grocery store on the way home from work.  I will happily eat trail mix for dinner if it means that I can avoid a grocery trip. But at some point, even I have to cave and take myself to the store for some proper nutrition and shit.  And because I work all day this usually happens at around 3 to 5 o'clock on my way from my job.  Why... WHY?! for the love of God and Saint Mary's Blessed Vagina do elderly/retired people think that this is an appropriate time to slow poke their way through a goddamn grocery store?  They own the entire day whilst the rest of us are at work.  They could go at any time and  yet they seem to choose the busiest fucking 3 hour period of the day to buy denture cream and cat food.

And thus concludes my rage session.

So I'll be over here eating a Dove candy bar until the world is ready to apologize.  Which better take less than 3 seconds because that is as long as it takes for me to eat one.

Tiger Lady

Well, I'm in the midst of period hell today.


Yes, my period.  We're talking about it.


I refuse to call it "shark week" or "my visit with Aunt Flo" or any other cutesy-wutesy nickname we as women have come up with to make it seem slightly less awful than it actually is.


Also, you should know that I get really fired up and feminist-y when I have my period because it fucking pisses me off that we have to do this every month.  HATE IT.


Which is why I think every one should read this open letter from Kelly Oxford.

AN  OPEN  LETTER  FOR  MEN  AND  WOMEN  ABOUT  MENSTRUATION

Ladies,

It’s only recently occurred to me that this entire ordeal of menstruation has been SEVERELY downplayed and we are feeding into it.
Last night my husband asked, “Why are you being such a bitch?”
He knows I am having my period. Why is he asking?
I came up with an answer, it’s because men and women keep this shit out of mind. I’m tired of it.
Bleeding for a week every month was probably downplayed to “period” by the same guy who says that a female “rape fantasy” means you are the victim.

If I told a guy that I had been bleeding for 3 days, he would not ask me why I was in a bad mood. If I then followed up by informing him that I actually can bleed for 7-9 days every month and survive he might even view me as some sort of hero.

Ladies, the world isn’t going to change until tampon commercials use red dye, instead of blue, to demonstrate absorbency.

Let’s think about this: Women are discreet about their periods - even with one another.
I want to say “OWN IT” when I see a woman shielding a tampon in her palm, or covering the bag of pads in her cart with a bag of marshmallows.
Because it is okay.
Not only is it okay, it’s your goddamn right to talk about it and hold it over the heads of every man you know. Not literally, of course.

Can you imagine the kind of shit we’d see if it were men having periods?
Commercials with warriors patting themselves on the backs for another month surviving the great “bleed”.
It wouldn’t be called a “period” as in, the “period” of time men don’t have as much fun doing fucky times with you….
Men would openly pass out absorbent socks for their wangs and smoke cigarettes while women looked on in disbelief and offer them more cigarettes for having lived through another week of blood.

But us? Well, it’s just too gross to think about. Women having their periods has been ingrained in our minds as THE MOST disgusting repetitive human event next to shit.
Here is why.
It’s to keep us from benefiting from it.
So I say, flaunt those tampons ladies, remind your partner when you are bleeding that you-are-indeed-bleeding, and when he gets grossed out it would be a good time to also bring up that whole rape fantasy thing too.

Your friend,
Kelly

So, you know what?  We are women and we are bad asses, and we need to start bragging about that like ALL OF THE TIME.  Men brag about every minor horseshit thing they've ever sort of accomplished, why shouldn't we?

The Threshold of Hell

Well, it looks like the stress invited itself in at about 7:00 last night and is here to stay for the day... possibly the remainder of the season.

This happens every. goddamn. year.

What happens is I go all Christmas!Christmas!Christmas for 3 solid months and then a big avalanche of money, energy, to-do list, reality problems starts punching me in the stomach. And sometimes I get so worn down that I get sick on Christmas.

It's so super fun, you guys!!

As I recently told a good friend, if you haven't cried over a to-do list at least once during the holidays, you aren't doing it right.

But it will sort itself out because it always does, and, because I am a Pioneer, I will figure it out.

I will figure it out the White Girl way... which mainly involves a lot of coffee and being a bitch to people on the phone, but you know what, guys?


BITCHES GET STUFF DONE.

So deal with it.