Truthiness

Here are some things I urgently need you to know about me.

1. I feel like this most of the time:

Or like this:

2. Three jobs I wish I had in no particular order:
     - Barker's Beauty on the Price Is Right
     - Christmas tree/pumpkin patch farmer
     - Roller skating rink DJ

3. I am incapable of remembering the 3 digit security number on the back of my credit card.  The 16 digit account number, however, I know better than my own phone number.

4. I get hungry for lunch at 9:00 a.m every day.  This is usually when I go to Pinterest and start torturing myself with pictures like this:

Source.

And this:

Source.

And then I wait 3 hours, heat up my Lean Cuisine, and sink slowly into madness.

5. Kate Upton is even giving me a boner, you guys.  I don't even know what that means, but it's true.

It's a shame they had so much trouble finding a bathing suit that actually fit her.

6. I simultaneously love and hate cute couples.  Here are a few of my current faves:

Crown Princess Victoria and Prince Daniel of Sweden. They just had a baby yesterday!!

Gwen and Gavin

Ellen and Portia

7. I have no idea what i'm doing.

Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday... Choose Your Own Adventure Style!

You guys, I need your help.

I've got two competing offers from two strapping lads, and it looks like I need you to help me decide who my imaginary boyfriend is this week.


Let's meet our contestants!

Contestant #1 is a smoldering half Irish/half German actor.  He loves potatoes, cabbage, beer, and probably lots of other German/Irish stereotypes. He is Michael Fassbender!!!

Long underwear just really does it for me.  Sue me.

Contestant #2 is a dapper young gent from England.  His hobbies include taxidermy, collecting women's underpants, and linguistics. (I have no idea what i'm talking about)  Please welcome Henry Cavill!!

He's seducing you with his eyes.  And his magnificent chest hair.

The winner will be enjoying a romantic evening with me, watching re-runs of Rhoda while eating cereal straight from the box!

EDITED TO ADD:

The results are in... Michael Fassbender wins by a landslide!  I'll just give him a call to let him know.

Life Lessons

I turned 30 a little over a month ago and therefore I have a lot of wisdom, and I was thinking about what lessons I've learned in my 20s that I wish my present self could pass along to my just barely 20 year old self many moons ago.

Here's what I've come up with:

1. Someone is always going to be better than you at something you want to do.  Ignore them.  Just do it your way, because if you try too hard to be like someone else it comes off that way... like you are trying way too hard, and people find that obnoxious.

2. Go to college, stay there until you are finished. It's simple.

3. Ask for help sometimes. You are not the only one that feels lost and unsure right now.

4. You don't have to carry your identity from high school into adulthood.  So you were a kind of a quiet, boring goody-two-shoes in high school, but now you can be a loud, awesome, goody-two-shoes in your 20s or whatever you want to be. People won't think it's weird, they will just think "Wow... Jess is really coming out of her shell!", and you will have so much more fun.

5. Throw that fucking hoodie away. (Note: Guess what I'm wearing right now as I write this. Hypocritical much?)

6. And maybe do something with your hair.

Autobiographical

This vignette created itself on my desk so I decided to photograph it. It will be part of my first photography exhibition titled 'Diary of A Mad White Woman'.

Coming soon to a gallery near no one.

I Have Nothing

Super busy today... it's the last push before this place shuts down for Christmas break (huzzah!). So I think that is the cause of my blogger's block this morning.

That and I'm still trying to process the American Horror Story season finale from last night.

Also I think listening to Karen Carpenter sing Christmas songs has put me into a dulcet, melodious coma this morning. It's the Christmas music equivalent of Xanax.

So I guess in the meantime you could watch these guys auditioning for a kung fu movie.  Over and over and over again.

I did at least 11 times.

Or you could read everything on The Oatmeal.  Starting with The Bobcats!

Or you could read any of the blogs listed on my sidebar... they're all good quality and good people!

Or you could just go take a nap.

Let Us Not Forget...

Happy Winter Solstice to all of the Hippies, Druids, Pagans and Other Assorted Weirdos out there!

Namaste. Love and Light. Peace Be With You and other assorted horseshit.

Have fun smoking pot and pretending it's a deep spiritual experience tonight!!

Please Do All of the Work and I Shall Take All of the Credit

You guys, I need some help/opinions.

In less than 40 days I will be on a cruise ship on my way to Jamaica, Grand Cayman and Cozumel.  I'm just a little bit excited... actually I'm like this:

Because of these SANTAAAA levels of excitement I'm already planning what I will be packing... especially what I will be packing to wear on the two formal nights on the cruise.

Here's the thing... my adult/semi-adult life has an amazing dearth of opportunities to play dress up.  I'm not married, I didn't go to prom,  and I've never even been a bridesmaid. So when I get to dress up for something I get pretty carried away with the planning.

Now I'm not planning to go Full Dynasty on formal night.

Although, let's be honest, if money were no object you better believe this shit would happen.

Instead I'm going for a more boho glamour look... we'll call it Champagne and Hippies.

The first formal night outfit is pretty much fait accompli... I'm keeping it simple: Black cocktail dress, black open toed heels, hair up with something sparkly in my hair to vajazzle it up a little (I'm not going to get vajazzled, you guys... I'm talking about the hair on my head... ew).

So I need some opinions on accessories and hair for the second dress.

I'm wearing this:

It's much more of a rust color than the pumpkin orange in this photo. And the beading on the cuffs is gold, not shiny gold... more of a dull finish gold.

I'm wearing black opaque tights and, most likely, these shoes:

These are from Target, and they were pretty comfortable which is a priority for me.  I have a very low tolerance for hurt-y feet.

Originally I was thinking of wearing a long necklace with a large pendant of some sort, but now I'm wondering if I would prefer wearing big (like Dynasty big) gold chandelier earrings.  I have an aversion to wearing a big necklace with big earrings... I prefer to pick either/or.  OR what about a shorter necklace... like a bold, bib style.

Like this one from Forever 21? $8, you guys!

Also I'm cheap... very, very cheap.

Any ideas?