Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday... Riotous Joy Edition

I was inspired by Aunt Peaches (who is doing a series of blog posts highlighting the awesomeness of others), and decided to choose an imaginary boyfriend that inspires and delights me.

He's not everyone's cup of tea looks-wise (but, then, who is everyone's cup of tea? Jude Law probably), but he is seriously awesome.

His name is Rob Dyrdek...

... and he has a lust for life that is staggering and inspiring.

He is a skateboarder, entrepreneur, multiple world record holder, pop star, actor, and star of the MTV reality shows Rob and Big, Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory, and Ridiculousness.

What I love about Rob is the way he approaches life... like it's one grand experiment/quest to find things to delight himself and others.  He lives with joy.  I think that is great.

He also loves dogs, mini horses, and tiny baby piglets.

He doesn't mind looking like idiot for a fun idea.

And he understands the importance of spontaneously breaking it down to a soulful ballad while going through a car wash.

When I'm struggling with anxiety about doing something... talking to a stranger, making a difficult phone call, or doing anything out of my ridiculously confining comfort zone... I try to think 'What Would Rob Do?'.

And the answer is that he would approach any situation with boundless enthusiasm and optimism.  He would treat it like his success was inevitable.  He would be relentless.  He would laugh at himself and carry on no matter what.

We all need to find some of the Rob in ourselves, and, if we can't do that, we can pretend he is our imaginary boyfriend, standing beside us to cheer us on.

Have fun today, kids.  The world is your oyster.

Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday... Another One Bites the Dust Edition

My longtime soccer boyf is going off the market this weekend.

That's right.  Little Xavi Shortpants is getting married to his girlfriend Nuria this weekend.

You guys, I don't know whether to laugh, cry, throw glitter in the air, or curl up in the fetal position.

I'm super happy for him, BUT I never thought I'd live to see the day.  I had him down in my book as a foreversingle just like me and now he's getting married and I just... I just... I just don't know about this.  I hate changes. I hate people growing up and being adults and doing adult things while I'm still back here living like a perpetual 13 year old.

It's the shits.

I bet he's going to look super hot in his wedding outfit.  I hope it looks something like this:

If I were a guest at the wedding, I would probably show up in something like this get-up:

In deep mourning, you guys.

Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday... HE HAS RETURNED Edition

You guys, this sartorial motherfucker is officially back in action...

Pep has made his official debut as manager of Bayern Munich... oh the suit porn we have to look forward to this season!

I'm guessing Pep and Mario are watching precious Baby Manu doing something ridiculous in the above photo.... like chasing his own tail or getting a stomachache from eating too much Nutella.

So excited, you guys!!

Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday... Presented With Minimal Commentary Edition

Just some hot dudes I found while wasting time on Tumblr...

The Armitage

The Gilgun

Just some random tattooed mustachioed gentleman.

Just some random tattooed bearded gentleman in red suspenders.

Just some random bearded gentleman in an Adventure Time costume.

Turkish actor Burak Özçivit who really carries a mustache well.

Greek model Paraskevas Boubourakas.  Congratulations on your face, sir.

Two time Oscar winner and love of my life.

Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday... Awkward Junior High Dance Edition

I think it's time we familiarized ourselves with some of our future imaginary boyfriends at FC Bayern Munich.

I'm so excited that Pep Guardiola will be managing here next season.  Seriously, when he announced that he was leaving my baybeez at Barcelona (but would definitely coach again in the future), Munich was the team I favored for him when everyone else was suggesting Chelsea, Arsenal, and Manchester.  I'm not saying he chose Munich because it was my favorite, but it clear indicates the intellectual mind meld we have and the level of respect he has for my opinions. We're a great match on every level.

So I'm guessing I'll be watching a lot of live streams of Bundesliga matches on the internet in the upcoming year and I think it's important that we timidly cross the vast expanse of the junior high gym floor and introduce ourselves to these boys so we can awkwardly sway with them to Come Sail Away by Styx in dresses we borrowed from cousins and older sisters.

Here are a few I have my eye on:

1. Manuel Neuer

You guys, I don't know how to accurately describe to you how much Manuel is exactly like an overgrown Golden Retriever puppy.  Just overeager and as happy as can be.  He's the goalkeeper, but he can't stand to be confined to the penalty area... he's always trying to push forward and help score goals with varying degrees of success (mostly zero success).  He loves Nutella and probably candy and watching cartoons.  He is precious. He's also like 8 feet tall of something.

I feel like Manu sometimes gets lost trying to get home and just starts following a random person like a stray dog in the hopes that they will adopt him and feed him Nutella.  I will be that random person and he can have all of the Nutella in the universe.

Also, look at this gif of him looking like an 8 year old being forced to attend an awards banquet:

I will make you pancakes forever, darling.  And then climb you like a tree.

2. Mario Gomez

Yes, Mario Gomez is German, but his father is Spanish.  Since Pep is Spanish and I'm Pep's special lady friend, I'll probably be spending a lot of time around Mario.  I'm guessing some pretty intense feelings could develop, you guys.

Mario is the star forward for the team. He's pretty awesome.  And he just broke up with his girlfriend of like 15 years or something so he's clearly in the market for a rebound.  Looks like everything is coming up Jess!

Important Mario Fact!  Boy oh boy can he wear a suit.

A lot of people ask me why I love soccer so much.  It's pretty obvious isn't it?

Clearly it's because it's a beautiful game combining individual physical stamina and mental acuity with team work to create a fluid, at times balletic, visual spectacle.

Also, sometimes the players' clothing gets disheveled and you catch glimpses of their spectacular bodies on live televison.  It's pretty rad, you guys.




Well, we've got lots more players to meet... Bayern Munich doesn't fuck around when it comes to hot dudes, but we've done some good work to get ourselves started.

Imaginary Valentine Thursday... My Distinguished Austrian Gentleman Edition

Since I don't have an actual Valentine this year (or any year), I'm going on an imaginary Valentine's Day date with the man of my dreams...

Christoph and I have big plans tonight, but first a costume change!

You could probably seduce a man at 20 paces in this.

Who knows what we're going to get up to tonight?!  Champagne?  Candlelight??  Der Humpink???

All I know is the party won't stop until someone is in Freudian method psychoanalysis (because Freud was Austrian... get it?).

I didn't watch a romantic movie last night because I was running and eating cauliflower cheese "bread"sticks.

But here's another of my faves that I totally would have watched if I weren't doing more important things:

Notable for being zingy and hilarious... even 75 years later.

Casual leopard in the backseat.  Brilliant.

Plus Cary Grant in a negligee...

Go forth and spread some disease and drug-free love today, kids!

Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday... Wilkommen Edition

It's official, kids... our sartorial patron saint Pep Guardiola is headed to Munich next season to coach FC Bayern Munich.

You guys, just imagine Mr. Dapper As Fuck himself just absolutely Hugo Boss'd to within an inch of his life.

UNF.

And those Bayern Boys better start getting their jeans tailored immediately and keep their sartorial game tight....  Pep doesn't fuck around with off-the-shelf Levi's.

We've got a lot of work to do before next season.

Actual Golden Retriever puppy and Bayern goalkeeper, Manuel Neuer.

Things and Such... Also An Imaginary Boyfriend Thrown In

1. Stars - Hold On When You Get Love and Let Go When You Give It

A lyric from this song (my current running jam), has become my 2013 life motto:

 Take the weakest thing in you / and then beat the bastards with it.

2. This jackalope jewelry holder... which I desperately need because of very important non-negotiable reasons.

3. Speaking of jackalopes and life mottos... this should be required reading (p.s. it has nothing to do with jackalopes).  But only if you're in the mood to have your heart ripped out, re-shaped by powerful, knowing hands, and then gently placed back into your chest cavity... and who isn't?!

Also, I think I'm the very last person on the planet (possibly the solar system) to read this... forever the last person on every band wagon.  As I was reading I kept thinking 'why didn't anyone tell me to read this sooner?!' and then I remembered that they did... lots of people... and several times.  I'm an asshole.

4. Richard Ayoade

Richard meets all of my imaginary boyfriend requirements:

a) English

b) Funny

c) Adorable

d) Incredibly talented

e) Looks great in a suit

An Imaginary Boyfriend and A Playlist

Currently lusting after...

Idris Elba... who directed and starred in the new Mumford and Sons music video for Lover of the Light.

And, you guys, if you have a weird (possibly creepy) obsession with men's hands, this is basically pornography.  Just straight up pornography. Yowza.

Currently listening to....

I made a playlist for myself called 'Slow Strut' because it makes me feel like a fucking HBIC even when I'm just filing paperwork.  I love it.  (Side note: A lot of these songs are incredibly not safe for delicate ears and sensibilities)

Track list:
1. Bad Girls (Switch Remix) (featuring Missy Elliott and Rye Rye) - MIA

2. You Be Killin Em - Fabolous

3. Y.U. MAD (featuring Nicki Minaj and Lil Wayne) - Birdman

4. Run the World (Girls) - Beyoncé

5. Did It On 'Em - Nicki Minaj

6. Dirt Off Your Shoulder - Jay-Z

7. Creator - Santogold

Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday... Super Power Edition

You guys, I totally have a super power.

Unfortunately it's not something very useful or the power I really want like time travel  and invisibility.

My super power is the ability to spot a handsome, English former public school boy at 100 paces.

They can try to disguise themselves by putting on a baseball cap or affecting an American accent, but they can never fool me.

Case in point:

The new season of one of my newest favorite shows, Boardwalk Empire, started two weeks ago.  In the first episode, there is a scene where one of the main characters, Margaret, is touring a hospital and has a testy conversation with a young doctor.  It's not an incredibly noteworthy scene, and yet it made me sit up a little straighter and say to myself, "Well well well... and who have we here?"

I'll tell you who we have here:

His name is Patrick Kennedy. He's British.  He went to Harrow with Benedict Cumberbatch. And he was in War Horse with Benedict AND Tom Hiddleston.

You guys, it doesn't help that his character on Boardwalk Empire is basically Mr. Darcy as a doctor in a 1920s era hospital.  Very arrogant and dismissive with the opposite of a bedside manner.

I can tell his character is going to be a maddening asshole... which I kind of have a soft spot for.  He certainly got Margaret Thompson fired up.

And so, burdened with this supernatural ability (and glorious purpose), the next logical question is 'how will I use it for the greater good?'

Answer: Honestly I'm not all that concerned about the greater good, but for the greater good of myself I hope I can use it to get myself a cute, English boyfriend.