I Think I've Made A Huge Mistake

You guys, my sister in law texted me yesterday and I'm not sure what happened, but it ended with me agreeing to do one of those fitness bootcamps with her.

Oh dear sweet baby Jesus, what have I done?

What if the whole thing is just running while some guy with a shaved head screams in your ear until you cry and then vomit in front of everyone?

What if they make me stand in front of the class to demonstrate the wrong way to do an exercise like that time Mr. Greenwood made me stand up in front of the entire biology class so everyone could see what a widow's peak was?

In Mr. Greenwood's defense, I do practically look like Eddie Munster.

What if I poop my pants?

What if we're working out in the park and a pack of youths walk by and start laughing and pointing at us?

What then, huh?

You're Cordially Invited To Valentine's Day Brunch!

Come in, come in! Come in and shut the door!

It's so wonderful you could make it all the way to Merry Old England just for my little get-together.  

The place looks familiar, you say?  Yes, apparently while we've been away they've been filming some television show here.

Can I asked you something?

Valentino.

Bracelet.

Do you think I'm overdressed for brunch?

Nevermind.  It's like as I said it I heard how ridiculous the question was.

I bet you know what's coming next, though.

Champagne pyramid!  Splash in a little orange juice or peach nectar and it's totally socially acceptable to drink in the morning!

So... I'm guessing you're picking up that i'm a little down this morning, right?

Well, it's not that I'm ungrateful or anything, but it's just that my husband... you've met him right?

He's been hinting for weeks about this "rock" he was getting me for Valentine's Day... and here I was laying around dreaming about rocks... diamonds, emeralds, rubies.  Those kinds of "rocks", and apparently he meant this:

It's some island off the coast of Iceland he bought from Bjork.

Don't get me wrong... it's certainly unique, but you can't exactly wear it around your finger.

Listen to me complain! An island!  Talk about first world problems.

Mingle, eat, enjoy yourselves! And there might even be a surprise for you on your way out... hint hint.

Have fun and don't do anything I wouldn't do!

Does Not Compute

I make this exact same face when someone tells me they can't finish eating something because it is "too rich".

There has never in the history of my life been something I couldn't eat because it was too rich.  And it will never happen.

A Shameful Secret Relating to the Super Bowl

Today I googled 'Gisele Tom Brady Super Bowl losers' to find these photos:

Source.

Because (not so) secretly, deep down inside, I love to see beautiful (on the outside) people get humbled by the universe.

I am absolutely aware that this is one of my worst traits. So this is me (semi) apologizing to the universe for it.

There Ought To Be A Word...

... A word to describe how weird it is to come back to reality after a vacation.

This word would have to encompass so many different feelings and emotions.

Happiness to see your pets and sleep in your own bed.

Sadness that the trip is over and everyday drudgery is back on the menu.

Overwhelmed by trying to get caught up with everything that has been missed.

Excited to tell everyone about all of the things you've done and seen.

And, on top of all of that, is a heaping helping of exhaustion.


Basically, it's soooo good to be home, you guys, but I can't wait to do it again.

Autobiographical

This vignette created itself on my desk so I decided to photograph it. It will be part of my first photography exhibition titled 'Diary of A Mad White Woman'.

Coming soon to a gallery near no one.

Fiend

Let's take a break from talking about dieting, exercising, and other forms of torture to address another of my obsessions.

You guys... I've got a problem with nail polish.

I'm not sure when it started.  For years I never particularly cared about nail polish... mostly because I never really had the patience to sit still long enough to paint my nails and let them dry, but in the past 2 years or so it's become one of my favorite and my best addictions.

Hence the drawer:

That would be my nail polish/manicure drawer.  It's not terrible... there are ladies out there (most of them with entire blogs devoted to the topic of nail polish) who have closets full of polish.  The problem is that the drawer is growing at a very unreasonable rate.  A lot of these polishes I have only worn once. Some of them maybe even never.  And I fully intend on buying more.  In fact, I have an Ulta gift card burning a hole in my pocket as we speak, practically begging me to buy more nail polish.

And I just remembered that I have 2 new Zoya polishes on their way to me in the mail due to this amazing deal. I am out of control.

Someday you are all going to see me on an episode of Hoarders living in my nail polish drawer with just a tiny little space cleared for myself to sleep. 

And it will be glorious.

So to justify all of this nail polish I've decided it would be fun to feature a little 'Nail Polish o' the Week' photo in my sidebar.  

This week's polish was a bit of an experiment.  I decided to use a dark brown polish from Zoya called Codie, but then after it was done it just wasn't doing much for me so I hit it with one coat of a blingy gold glitter polish from Butter London called West End Wonderland. It's an interesting color... kind of hard to describe... like a murky bronze-y gold.  I'm not in love with it, but it was worth a shot.  

New Year, Same Jess

Look at all the loot I scored at New Year's Eve Bingo!

The nail polish/manicure clutter in the background is representative
of another of my obsessions we'll address on  another day.

That would be:
- A Gin and Titonic ice cube mold
- Peanut erasers
- Bowling Dice game
- And a kicky new dish towel

The elements of my New Year's that cannot be accurately represented in a photo are the amounts of cheese fondue and bacon I ate.

That's how you do New Year's Eve right, you guys: cheese fondue and bacon.

Champagne is so last year. Basic bitches drink that shit so I don't even bother.

In other important news, I went all Type A on my cruise packing/to do list this morning. I've got dinner outfits planned for every night on the ship down to what jewelry I'm wearing, clutch I'm carrying, make up style I'm applying, and hair style I'll be styling. Sweet McGillicuddy Jesus, I am organized and so ready for this trip.

I was totes having a white girl problem though because I have lost quite a bit of weight since summer, therefore all of my shorts are too big and look super stupid all cinched up with my belt.

I realize that this is an awesome problem to have, you guys.

But, no matter how awesome, I still had to try and find some new, smaller shorts in the dead middle of winter! And, lo and behold, Old Navy actually had some in my size. Super duper score.

So besides all of the sunless tanner I need to apply, I'm pretty much ready to go.  Applying sunless tanner is going to be my new hobby for the next 3 weeks.

Source.

Let's all collectively pray this doesn't happen.

The Threshold of Hell

Well, it looks like the stress invited itself in at about 7:00 last night and is here to stay for the day... possibly the remainder of the season.

This happens every. goddamn. year.

What happens is I go all Christmas!Christmas!Christmas for 3 solid months and then a big avalanche of money, energy, to-do list, reality problems starts punching me in the stomach. And sometimes I get so worn down that I get sick on Christmas.

It's so super fun, you guys!!

As I recently told a good friend, if you haven't cried over a to-do list at least once during the holidays, you aren't doing it right.

But it will sort itself out because it always does, and, because I am a Pioneer, I will figure it out.

I will figure it out the White Girl way... which mainly involves a lot of coffee and being a bitch to people on the phone, but you know what, guys?


BITCHES GET STUFF DONE.

So deal with it.