Back From the Wilderness

Hey Kids! I'm back from doing whatever it is my family does at Christmas time (mostly hibernating in the middle of nowhere in Kansas... which is a whole new degree of middle of nowhere that most people from other parts of the country would find terrifying).

So anyways, going to this middle of nowhere place my family spends Christmas meant that I had to give up using the internet machine for almost 5 DAYS... it was just awful.

So these are the things I've been doing that I couldn't tell strangers on the internet about, and really... what is the point in doing anything if you can't do that?

1. Eating lasagna... which I also made because I am magic and can do magic things like that.

2. Eating blueberry pie with vanilla ice cream to cut the sweetness.

3. Spending my windfall on the only things you're allowed to spend lottery money on: shoes and costume jewelry.

4. Watching old movies and re-runs of Wings (but that's pretty much an average Tuesday).

5. Learning lots of important facts like what an 'egg addler' does and the history of Esperanto from my brand new Uncle John's Bathroom Reader.  You guys, I love these books... it feeds my addiction for useless facts and trivia, but here's a fact: I pretty much never read them in the bathroom.  I'm much too sophisticated to do something that obvious.  I might as well wear the t-shirt of the band I'm seeing in concert to the concert. Bourgeois to the max.

It's A Festivus Miracle!

That's me winning ONE HUNDRED MOTHER EFFING DOLLARS on a scratch ticket a co-worker gave me in a Christmas card today!!!

HOLLA! Festivus miracle for sure.

You're Cordially Invited

Someday when I am absolutely mired in a filthy amount of wealth and prestige I intend to host a fabulous party every year on Christmas eve.

In my mind it will be like this:

From Pinterest.

But also a lot like this:

With an occasional measure of poetic overindulgent melancholy like that in the house party scene at the end of La Dolce Vita. But not too much because too much existentialism just absolutely ruins a good time.

So "Welcome, dahlings to my humble home!"

Source.

Grab yourself a cocktail:

Gingersnap Cocktail.

Or a glass of champagne from my champagne pyramid!

What am I wearing, you ask?  What a doll!  Oh this old thing I just grabbed from the back of my closet.

BOOM. FULL DYNASTY MODE ENGAGED.

Source.

It's so not a big deal.

You know what is a big deal?  My husband! Have you met him?

Source.

He hasn't finished putting on his tuxedo.

Not to brag (ha!), but this is what he got me for Christmas:

Source.

Bless his heart!

Well... eat, drink, be merry, et cetera, et cetera! And don't forget to grab a party favor on your way out!

Merry Christmas! And we'll see y'all next year!

I Have Nothing

Super busy today... it's the last push before this place shuts down for Christmas break (huzzah!). So I think that is the cause of my blogger's block this morning.

That and I'm still trying to process the American Horror Story season finale from last night.

Also I think listening to Karen Carpenter sing Christmas songs has put me into a dulcet, melodious coma this morning. It's the Christmas music equivalent of Xanax.

So I guess in the meantime you could watch these guys auditioning for a kung fu movie.  Over and over and over again.

I did at least 11 times.

Or you could read everything on The Oatmeal.  Starting with The Bobcats!

Or you could read any of the blogs listed on my sidebar... they're all good quality and good people!

Or you could just go take a nap.

The Threshold of Hell

Well, it looks like the stress invited itself in at about 7:00 last night and is here to stay for the day... possibly the remainder of the season.

This happens every. goddamn. year.

What happens is I go all Christmas!Christmas!Christmas for 3 solid months and then a big avalanche of money, energy, to-do list, reality problems starts punching me in the stomach. And sometimes I get so worn down that I get sick on Christmas.

It's so super fun, you guys!!

As I recently told a good friend, if you haven't cried over a to-do list at least once during the holidays, you aren't doing it right.

But it will sort itself out because it always does, and, because I am a Pioneer, I will figure it out.

I will figure it out the White Girl way... which mainly involves a lot of coffee and being a bitch to people on the phone, but you know what, guys?


BITCHES GET STUFF DONE.

So deal with it.

These

This...

Emerald City by Revlon with Seche Vite Top Coat. Pardon my less than spectacular nail beds.

A lot of this...

This ridiculous (and embarrassingly awesome) song...

And some of these...

I would take a better photo, but I ate it the second I took this photo.

Which are from this recipe...

Oreo Truffles

Ingredients:

1 pkg. Oreo cookies

1 8oz pkg. cream cheese, softened

2 boxes Baker's Semi-sweet chocolate

Crush the Oreos ( I used the food processor, but I've also used a blender and a rolling pin for this task). Set aside approximately 1/2 cup or crumbs for decorating the truffles later.  Place the rest in a bowl, add the cream cheese and beat with a mixer until you can no longer see any white.  Roll into walnut sized balls and place on a foil lined cookie sheet. Put the balls into the refrigerator to firm up... about 30 minutes.  

In the meantime. unwrap all of the chocolate and place in a microwave safe bowl.  Melt according to instructions (on the back of the box).  Using the method of your choice (I employ 2 toothpicks. One to spike the ball and drop into the chocolate, the other to remove the ball from the toothpick) dip each truffle into chocolate and place back onto foil lined sheet. Sprinkle with some of the reserved crushed cookies.  This hides the toothpick hole and makes them prettier.

Put the truffles back into the refrigerator to chill for approximately 30 minutes or as long as you can stand, whichever comes first.  Now proceed to eat yourself sick.  

With all of these in my arsenal I am fully prepared to make this Monday my prison bitch, y'all.

P.S. Did anyone else watch the 'Geek Love' show on TLC last night?  It was awesome, awkward, and gloriously cute.  I want the guy Chewie (he does a Chewbacca impression) and the Mandalorian (spelling?) girl to hook up! They are perfect for each other.

An Open Letter To the World At Christmas

Hello Fellow Citizens of the World, 



Newsflash: Times are tough. 


I know it seems for some of us that the weight of a multitude of problems is threatening to crush every ounce of joy from what is supposed to be the hap-hap-happiest of seasons. My message to you is simple: despair not. This too shall pass... I am sure of this with every ounce of my being. Do your best to keep your chin up... it's worth it. It's always worth it. 


People have spent eons waxing poetic on the themes of 'Tomorrow is another day' and 'the only thing to fear is fear itself'. For those that are suffering, this seems like ill comfort, and, yet, I will always have faith in the basic human ability to endure and thrive in times of hardship. 

This year I've been reading a lot about the pioneers. Let's look to them as our role models of perseverance and strength. I remember as a child reading about Laura Ingalls' Christmas on the Kansas Prairie. That year she received a penny, a tin cup and a stick of candy for Christmas from a kind neighbor who risked his life to make sure she got something from Santa Claus. Not only was that enough, it was everything. 


I recently spoke to my parents about Christmases from our past, and my mom recalled how poor we were and how down she used to feel while worrying about how they were going to get presents for my brother and I. I remember none of this. I remember how excited I was over a Muppet Babies keyboard and a coloring book. It doesn't take much to make a child happy. We should all remember this. 

I hope with all my heart that your Christmas holds some small piece of this kind of magic... it is magic that doesn't come from gifts, Christmas trees and candy, but from knowing that you are loved and treasured by those around you. There is no way to anticipate what the new year will bring, but have faith that it will be good. And remember, as the song goes, 'Have yourself a merry little Christmas. Let your hearts be light. Next year all our troubles will be out of sight.' 

Have a Merry Christmas my fellow pioneers. 

Sincerely,
Jess

Meet Your Hostess, Volume 2: The Christmas Edition

My pal Kari at The Sunset Lane put up this fun Christmas survey yesterday, and since I love talking about myself ad nauseum (hence the existence of this blog), I thought I would give it a shot!

1. Egg nog or hot chocolate?

Yes, please!  You guys, you could pour both of these together into a punch bowl and I would happily drink it. I love sugar... ALL THE SUGAR.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just set them under the tree?
We always had wrapped gifts under the tree, and then Christmas Eve Santa would leave a big present (unwrapped) and our fill our stockings.  My parents still do it this way... yes, that means I am (almost) 30 and I still get presents from "Santa".  Child for life, y'all!

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?
Okay... let's talk about my dad.  My dad has a weird hang up about red Christmas lights because, get this, he says "Red lights will make our house look like a whore house."  Yeah, Dad... I'm sure people driving through our neighborhood in the suburbs are going to mistake our 1970s ranch style house for a whore house.  But, then, last year he decided to make himself a Festivus pole for the front yard and proceeded to cover it with red lights!!  WHAT?  If anything looks whore house-y it's that stripper pole you put in the front yard covered in red Christmas lights. What a weirdo.  

So we have pretty much always had white lights on house and tree, which I kind of like now. Ideally it would look like this:

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
We had some once when I was a kid, but I don't even know where one would buy mistletoe.

5. When do you put your decorations up?
Usually the first weekend of December or the weekend after Thanksgiving.  I drove up to the house on Monday and felt like I was pulling up to Ebenezer Scrooge's house... it was the only one on the street without so much as wreath.  So I forced myself to haul everything out and I didn't stop until it looked like Santa had puked all over the inside of our house.  I feel so much better now. Next up will be some good ol' fashioned exterior illumination... including the stripper Festivus pole.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish?
I lalalalove those meatballs covered in jelly and chili sauce. I make them every year on Christmas Eve.  Holy JEEZ.

7. Favorite holiday memory as a child?
One year when I was around 5 my brother and I both got bikes from Santa.  I got a super adorable banana seat bike with a basket and my brother got a sweet 10 speed bike.  My brother insisted on riding his THAT DAY even though it was snowy and icy outside... and then proceeded in the first 8 feet of riding his new bicycle to flip himself over the handle bars.  Good Christmas time fun!

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
I don't sleep Christmas Eve. I can't.  Even now I just can't no matter how hard I try.  Christmas Eve, for me, is a midnight vigil wherein I argue with myself over when it is appropriate to go and see what Santa has brought me.  Well one year when I was probably 7 or 8 I decided it was okay to check things out WAAAAY to early, and I caught my parents assembly a hamster cage for my brother. Oops.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
NEVER.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree?
 My tree is decorated with miscellaneous glass ornaments... just kind of whimsical, vintage-y things I like, and lots of bead garland and lights.  My parents tree is a big, wonderful hodge podge of all of the ornaments we have accumulated over the years: the ones my mom made from Christmas cards when they were first married and broke, the ones my brother and I made in school, and nicer ones from the last 15 years or so that we have bought from Hallmark.  We usually get a new Hallmark ornament every year.

11. Snow! love it or dread it?
 You guys, I could honest to God live somewhere it snowed 90% of the year.  It does not bother me in the least.  

12. Can you ice skate?
I tried one time and I hated it.  Most of the time, if I try something and I am not immediately good at it, I hate it and quit.  So there.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
Maybe the bikes, or the giant chalkboard easel, or my Barbie Ferrari, or the Cabbage Patch Kids.  You guys, we were so poor when i was a kid, but my parents killed it at making Christmas magical! For reals.

14. What’s the most important thing about the holidays for you?
Something intangible... just being able to feel the absolute magic of the holiday.  Something about people decorating their houses with lights and sparkle and glitter just because it's pretty and kids being excited and people making an effort to be with their families and the crisp air and (hopefully) the snow.  It just all adds up to magic.

15. What is your favorite holiday dessert?
Candy, candy canes, candy corn and syrup. It would be easier to list the desserts I don't like because it would be a list of nothing. 

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Christmas morning.  I am always the first up (reference question 8 above), and around 3 or 4 a.m. (I KNOW) I wake the rest of my family up, then around 6:30 we call my aunt, uncle and grandparents and they come over for Christmas breakfast. Like clockwork every year. I reject all other traditions.  My theoretical future husband will just have to deal with it.

17. What tops your tree?
An angel.

18. Which do you prefer: giving or receiving?
 I love giving gifts.  I can't wait to have children to give gifts to... I can't even imagine how wonderful it will be to see their faces Christmas morning.

19. Candy canes: yuck or yum?
 Whatevs.

20. Favorite christmas movie?

 It's like you are asking me to pick my favorite child. Holy shit. Ummmm... It wouldn't be Christmas without National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.  I watch it about 5 times and spend the rest of the year quoting it.                                                                                                   

21. Saddest christmas song?

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas... because it's about having a happy Christmas even when you are going through a difficult time. 

22. What is your favorite Christmas song?
 Fairytale of New York by The Pogues... this is one of my favorite songs full stop.

It's Christmas TV Episode Time!

Some of my very most favoritest things to watch at Christmas time are Christmas episodes of my favorite TV shows.

Here are some I highly recommend.

1 The Office (the UK version starring Ricky Gervais)

This is a two-part special that was filmed as a sort of epilogue to the original series.  It is balls out AMAZING.  Beware fans of the US version of The Office, watching this will ruin Jim and Pam's love story.  They are bullshit compared to the seething Victorian melodrama of Tim Canterbury and Dawn Tinsley.

After you watch this the song 'Only You' by Yaz will become a Christmas song even though it isn't.

2. Wings - A Terminal Christmas (Season 1)

To be honest, I just picked the Christmas episode from the first season to make it easy.  I love the show Wings.  I own it on DVD... all of them, every season.  I might be the only person in the world to own every episode ever made of Wings.  I hope not, but there is a strong possibility that I am. And I'm becoming okay with that.

3. A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All!

Stephen Colbert filmed a Christmas special for The Colbert Report and released it on DVD... and it is just so stupid... so stupid and so funny.

4. Seinfeld - The Strike

In my family this is the king of "Christmas" episodes... and it's not even a Christmas episode.  This is the episode of Seinfeld where we all learned about the holiday of Festivus.  And the world was never the same again.

Steal This Idea!

I've had a couple of friends recently tell me that their significant others were less than enthusiastic about Christmas. I believe the words 'Grinch' and 'Scrooge' came up in these conversations.

So later I was thinking to myself, "There sure are a lot of guys who just don't get how MAGNIFICENT Christmas is... what the hell is that all about?"

Then I had an awesome idea: a super awesome Christmas date night for you and your fella!!

Now I can't really use this idea right now since I am incredibly single (which, seriously, soooo fine with me right now), but maybe someone else could use it.

Here's the scene:
A sparkling Christmas tree
Some candles
Some Christmas treats... candy, cookies, popcorn, and hot chocolate
Maybe a nice crackling fire if you've got a fireplace

You settle in and get cozy on the couch to watch a Christmas movie.  At this point, your own personal Grinch has probably resigned himself to just getting through this for your sake and maybe for the possibility of some clothes optional cuddling later,  but then WHAT?!  because THIS comes on the screen, y'all:

That's right... Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker... shit just got real.  And your fella is probably super stoked at this point, because HELLO... guys love this movie. Like, for real, I have never ever met a guy who doesn't get a total boner for this movie.

And you should be happy too, because, you guys, this is totally a Christmas movie... one of my favorites actually. It's set during an office Christmas party  so it totally goes with the date night theme.

EVERYONE IS HAPPY.  You got cozy Christmas cuddle time and he got to watch guys throw each other off of roofs and shoot guns and shit.

So that's my idea.  I think it would be totally cute.  DO IT, YOU GUYS.

It's Christmas Movie Time!

There aren't a lot of things I can discuss on this blog with a great deal of authority.  Most days what I lack in authority and knowledge I make up for in enthusiasm... bounding, manic enthusiasm.

This is what my enthusiasm looks like in human form.

I can't tell you how to take perfect gallery-worthy photos, teach your baby to speak Thai, bake macarons with perfect frilly feet, or Vidal Sassoon your hair into a party-perfect up do, but I can tell you a few things about movies... Christmas movies to be more specific.

I watch Christmas movies all year round.  Honestly.  It's disgusting.

When I was a kid (or, like, a month ago), in the middle of the summer I would put up a string of Christmas lights, close all of the blinds, crank up the A/C, curl up in a chair with some cozy socks and a mug of coffee or cocoa and I would watch Christmas movies and pretend like it was Christmas time.

I wish I were joking.  I really did this, like, regularly.  I was and am OBSESSED with Christmas.

So we all know the obvious Christmas movies... Miracle on 34th Street, It's a Wonderful Life, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, etc.  I thought I would focus on some of my favorite lesser known Christmas movies.

1. Mixed Nuts

This is bar none one of my all time favorite Christmas movies.  It combines two of my favorite things: Christmas and zany, caper films where all of the action takes place in one day or night (a specialty of the 1980s a la Blind Date, After Hours and Adventures in Babysitting).  It stars Steve Martin as the director of a failing suicide hotline charity who is about to be evicted.  Throw in Adam Sandler, Juliette Lewis, and Liev Schrieber as a drag queen named Kris and hilarity ensues.  Seriously, lovelovelove this movie.

2. Meet Me in St. Louis

This Judy Garland movie isn't strictly a Christmas movie since it follows the Smith Family of Saint Louis through an entire year broken up into chapters based on the four seasons, but the real heart of the movie are the scenes set during Christmas during which Judy Garland sings 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas'. It is beautiful. What I love best about it is that during this part of the movie the family isn't happy... it's not a magical, wonderful light-hearted Christmas romp, and the lyrics of the song reflect that. It reminds us that we aren't always perfectly happy at Christmas time.  Our problems don't all go away just because it's Christmas and we're only supposed to be happy at that time of year. Sometimes it's okay to just do our best at Christmas... it doesn't have to be perfect.

3. One Magic Christmas

This is another Christmas movie about a family going through a difficult time, and trying to learn the true meaning of Christmas. But the thing I loved about it as a child, and now as an adult, is the atmosphere of the movie.  It's very hushed and quiet, which somehow lends itself to the "magic" of Christmas time.  I remember as a child thinking during the scenes where the little girl Abbie travels to the North Pole to visit Santa that this must truly be what the North Pole and Santa's workshop would be like.  It just seemed so realistic to me.

4. The Shop Around The Corner

The plot of this movie will be familiar to many as the basis for the Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan movie 'You've Got Mail'.  The story is about two clerks in a department store who hate each other in person, but are secretly in love with each other as pen pals.  It's set in Budapest which I think is random, but it has Jimmy Stewart in it and it's pretty hard to go wrong there.

Look forward in the month of December to more blogs about Christmas movies including the really horrible ones that I am ashamed of myself for watching. Happy Viewing!!

Treat Yo Self!

Some years if the living isn't too lean, I like to treat myself to a special Christmas / birthday gift. You might say it's how I celebrate Treat Yo Self Day.

Here are some things I'm considering.

1. House of Harlow Zig Zag Starburst ring.

Image from Google.

2. Karen Walker Perfect Day sunglasses.

Image from Google.

3. Tiffany Beads Earrings.  I used to have a pair of these, they were a special Christmas gift from my Dad, but then I got a cat... a cat who likes to find shiny things and put them into bowls of water, like toilets.  So one day I woke up and went to the bathroom and then walked into the kitchen for a cup of coffee and noticed one of my precious Tiffany earrings in the cat's water dish.  I never found the other earring, but my suspicion is that it got flushed.  That cat is a real jerk a-hole.

Image from Google.

The Jolliest Bunch of Assholes This Side of the Nuthouse

It's not my intention, but it seems to happen every year at Christmas.

You see, I love Christmas... most people do, but I have a tendency to take it to new, dizzying heights of manic excitement. It's disturbing to watch, or so I'm told.

I don't know how to explain it really.  I always assumed I would grow out of it, that sometime in between childhood and adulthood I would reach a point when I would be able to sleep Christmas Eve, or maybe even have to be woken up by someone on Christmas morning.  But nope, I'm 29 years old and I'm still lying awake in my bed watching the digital numbers on my alarm clock slowly ticking by trying to decide if 1:30 is a reasonable time to get up to look at my Christmas stocking.

I think I've finally learned to accept  that I will ALWAYS be the first one up for Christmas.  I will beat my kids up.  I will be 90 years old and creeping into the living room to look at all of the wonderful things "Santa" has brought me.

I get excited about Christmas in February.  No lie.

I have one good month of feeling indifferent about Christmas, and then I'm ready to go all over again.  I can't wait.  I dream about it. I crave it.

By the time November rolls around and every one else is starting to think about or maybe get a little excited about Christmas, I'm in super manic out of control Martha Stewart mode.  I'm making lists. I'm decorating.  I'm setting incredibly unreasonable expectations about how wonderful THIS Christmas will be.  Better than all the rest!  I'm baking. I'm wrapping gifts. I'm decorating some more.  Everything will be perfect! Everything will be beautiful and special!  And I'm planning menus. I'm crafting. I'm decorating anything that will stand still.

And then it all falls down around my ears.  It usually looks something like this... except it's all happening INSIDE my brain.

And then I get sick.

My body finally gives in, worn out from all of the going going going and decorating decorating decorating, and, more times than I can count, I wake up Christmas morning with a sore throat and aching body.  The thing I seem to forget is that Martha has a team of minions to do her Christmas bidding while I have just me.  And the other thing I always forget is that Christmas is going to come whether I have everything decorated to perfection or not, whether I have bought everyone on my list the absolute perfect, most special gift ever or not. It's going to come anyways and it will be perfect all on it's own because it's Christmas.  There will be beauty and light and wonder and family and joy without me having to try.

I love it.  I can't wait.  I'm taking extra Vitamin C just in case.