I Think I've Made A Huge Mistake

You guys, my sister in law texted me yesterday and I'm not sure what happened, but it ended with me agreeing to do one of those fitness bootcamps with her.

Oh dear sweet baby Jesus, what have I done?

What if the whole thing is just running while some guy with a shaved head screams in your ear until you cry and then vomit in front of everyone?

What if they make me stand in front of the class to demonstrate the wrong way to do an exercise like that time Mr. Greenwood made me stand up in front of the entire biology class so everyone could see what a widow's peak was?

In Mr. Greenwood's defense, I do practically look like Eddie Munster.

What if I poop my pants?

What if we're working out in the park and a pack of youths walk by and start laughing and pointing at us?

What then, huh?

First Five! A Confession! And A Spirit Animal!

Well I woke up this morning with Rebecca Black's Friday stuck in my head with no idea how it even got there.

But I guess that's cosmic payment for the terrible thing I did last night.

What did I do?  Weeeell... I may have downloaded something for my iPod that pretty much trumps every other awful thing I've ever downloaded.

And, you guys, I have a Ke$ha song on my iPod... and more Flo Rida than any one person has a right to own... so that's really saying something.

Okay... here goes.  Last night I downloaded this:

I know. The entire thing is on my iPod right now.

Here's the thing, though... just look at that track list!  With the exception of Christina Perri and Bruno Mars, it's pretty awesome.  And you can only get most of the songs (besides the Christina Perri and Bruno Mars) by downloading the entire GD thing.  So I did it. So there.

Okay... let's see if my iPod can palate cleanse this Rebecca Black situation away.

1. Pot Kettle Black - Tilly and the Wall

2. The Trolley Song (from Meet Me In St. Louis) - Judy Garland

3. It's Oh So Quiet - Björk

4. Nasty - Janet Jackson

5. Candyman - Christina Aguilera

Whoa, Mr iPod Man... you just blew it out of the park today.

And this photo I found on the internet machine is blowing it out of the park at pretty much explaining my entire existence.

Have a great Friday, kids! Fun Fun Fun Fun.

Shame Spiraling

So to build on a subject introduced recently... SHAME and deep, dark SHAMEFUL SECRETS.

Everyone has a deep, dark shameful secret.  I have about 7,000 and at least 50 of them I would willingly tell you about right now... so why not?

Let's start with 5 shameful secrets.

1. I think these two are a really cute couple:

Patrick Bateman in love.

2. Today I spent at list 20 minutes googling "Kyle Richards shiny hair secrets".

I'm blinded.

Seriously, you guys... HOW?  Deep conditioning treatments?  Vitamin E?
Don't you dare say 'genetics' because I think I might just go kill myself.

3. I hate the musical 'Annie'.

Barf me to death.

4. I rarely think a baby is cute.

I'm sure this baby has a terrific personality, though.

5. I would be thrilled if my girlchild (or boychild) decided s/he wanted to be in a beauty pageant. Glitter! Makeup! Choreography!

Shame on you.

So there are 5 of my shameful secrets.  Judge away!

Let Us Not Forget...

Happy Winter Solstice to all of the Hippies, Druids, Pagans and Other Assorted Weirdos out there!

Namaste. Love and Light. Peace Be With You and other assorted horseshit.

Have fun smoking pot and pretending it's a deep spiritual experience tonight!!

Genius At Work

This is what I did yesterday while being a bitch on the phone:

It's a picture of me and Christoph Waltz holding hands and eating ice cream cones.

In a Park.

The park is in a big city (see the skyscrapers in the background), but... wait! It's Paris! See the Eiffel Tour (the big black A on the horizon)!  Wow!!

How charming!

Also my dog Henry is with us, and he doesn't even need a leash because he is so well trained!

And I'm wearing high heels and they don't even hurt my feet a little bit! Look at my tiny waist!

I'm eating mint chocolate chip ice cream, and Christoph is having some weird Austrian flavor I've never even heard of.

You can tell how happy I am because I'm smiling, Christoph is so happy too, but it's hard to tell sometimes because he's Austrian.

We had a really good day together in the park, and then we went home to our cabin and watched Designing Women re-runs and made crafts with popsicle sticks and yarn.

What a great guy!

First Five

We're doing this again, because fuckfuckfuckityfuck I'm busy. Why do these people think I should be working when i'm at work!?  What a grand gang of assholes.

Kidding, of course.  I love my job... especially the paycheck part.

So the game is that these are the first five songs that came up on my iPod this morning... presented with as little commentary or explanation as possible.

I know... it's kind of lame, but it's all I've got right now.  Deal with it, mother truckers.

1. JJ Jackson - But It's Alright

2. Graham Coxon - Bittersweet Bundle of Misery

3. The King's Singers - Annie Laurie

 I couldn't find the version by The King's Singers on YouTube, but this is similar.

4. Duke Ellington - It Don't Mean A Thing (If It Ain't Got That Swing)

5. The Ting Tings - Great DJ

Once again... this exercise has accurately depicted what a total and absolute nerd I am.  I mean... Annie Laurie sung by a choir??  Am I 72 years old?

Well I must run...I have some reruns of Matlock to watch while eating Werther's Originals.

Check you later, pals!

Terrible Advice

Image from Google.

Attention Crazy Cat Ladies... I know you love your cats.  I know you have photos of them on your desk and you tell stories about them to anyone who will pretend to give a shit, but this is the absolute WORST IDEA EVER.

Don't ever do this.  It's not okay.  You will get caught and everyone will laugh at you.