My longtime soccer boyf is going off the market this weekend.
That's right. Little Xavi Shortpants is getting married to his girlfriend Nuria this weekend.
You guys, I don't know whether to laugh, cry, throw glitter in the air, or curl up in the fetal position.
I'm super happy for him, BUT I never thought I'd live to see the day. I had him down in my book as a foreversingle just like me and now he's getting married and I just... I just... I just don't know about this. I hate changes. I hate people growing up and being adults and doing adult things while I'm still back here living like a perpetual 13 year old.
It's the shits.
I bet he's going to look super hot in his wedding outfit. I hope it looks something like this:
If I were a guest at the wedding, I would probably show up in something like this get-up:
You guys, this sartorial motherfucker is officially back in action...
Pep has made his official debut as manager of Bayern Munich... oh the suit porn we have to look forward to this season!
I'm guessing Pep and Mario are watching precious Baby Manu doing something ridiculous in the above photo.... like chasing his own tail or getting a stomachache from eating too much Nutella.
I think it's time we familiarized ourselves with some of our future imaginary boyfriends at FC Bayern Munich.
I'm so excited that Pep Guardiola will be managing here next season. Seriously, when he announced that he was leaving my baybeez at Barcelona (but would definitely coach again in the future), Munich was the team I favored for him when everyone else was suggesting Chelsea, Arsenal, and Manchester. I'm not saying he chose Munich because it was my favorite, but it clear indicates the intellectual mind meld we have and the level of respect he has for my opinions. We're a great match on every level.
So I'm guessing I'll be watching a lot of live streams of Bundesliga matches on the internet in the upcoming year and I think it's important that we timidly cross the vast expanse of the junior high gym floor and introduce ourselves to these boys so we can awkwardly sway with them to Come Sail Away by Styx in dresses we borrowed from cousins and older sisters.
Here are a few I have my eye on:
1. Manuel Neuer
You guys, I don't know how to accurately describe to you how much Manuel is exactly like an overgrown Golden Retriever puppy. Just overeager and as happy as can be. He's the goalkeeper, but he can't stand to be confined to the penalty area... he's always trying to push forward and help score goals with varying degrees of success (mostly zero success). He loves Nutella and probably candy and watching cartoons. He is precious. He's also like 8 feet tall of something.
I feel like Manu sometimes gets lost trying to get home and just starts following a random person like a stray dog in the hopes that they will adopt him and feed him Nutella. I will be that random person and he can have all of the Nutella in the universe.
Also, look at this gif of him looking like an 8 year old being forced to attend an awards banquet:
I will make you pancakes forever, darling. And then climb you like a tree.
2. Mario Gomez
Yes, Mario Gomez is German, but his father is Spanish. Since Pep is Spanish and I'm Pep's special lady friend, I'll probably be spending a lot of time around Mario. I'm guessing some pretty intense feelings could develop, you guys.
Mario is the star forward for the team. He's pretty awesome. And he just broke up with his girlfriend of like 15 years or something so he's clearly in the market for a rebound. Looks like everything is coming up Jess!
Important Mario Fact! Boy oh boy can he wear a suit.
A lot of people ask me why I love soccer so much. It's pretty obvious isn't it?
Clearly it's because it's a beautiful game combining individual physical stamina and mental acuity with team work to create a fluid, at times balletic, visual spectacle.
Also, sometimes the players' clothing gets disheveled and you catch glimpses of their spectacular bodies on live televison. It's pretty rad, you guys.
Well, we've got lots more players to meet... Bayern Munich doesn't fuck around when it comes to hot dudes, but we've done some good work to get ourselves started.
It's official, kids... our sartorial patron saint Pep Guardiola is headed to Munich next season to coach FC Bayern Munich.
You guys, just imagine Mr. Dapper As Fuck himself just absolutely Hugo Boss'd to within an inch of his life.
UNF.
And those Bayern Boys better start getting their jeans tailored immediately and keep their sartorial game tight.... Pep doesn't fuck around with off-the-shelf Levi's.
We've got a lot of work to do before next season.
Actual Golden Retriever puppy and Bayern goalkeeper, Manuel Neuer.
Yesterday when I logged into my email I had a notification of a comment on my previous blog from user 'bloody awful poetry'... and, you guys, it just really made my day because it was such a super nice comment. Sometimes you just need a little blog love from a total stranger to give you some inspiration.
So I thought, in honor of that random act of gratuitous blog kindness, I would revive Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday in her honor.
And since this is my comeback, I thought I should pick someone super hot that is also trying to make a comeback: Tottenham Hotspurs manager Andre Villas-Boas!!
Now, you've already heard about my undying love for the dapper-as-fuck Pep Guardiola (who is currently living in NYC after leaving Barcelona... anyone up for a celebrity stalking trip to the Upper West Side?), but I think Andre is nudging his sartorial game into Pep territory.
Kind of in love with the little Tottenham emblem embroidered on his tie.
I'm sucker for a well-executed whimsical detail.
You see, Andre didn't have such a great time last season. He was hired as the manager at Chelsea and then promptly sacked mid-season by the owner/Russian billionaire/Bond villain, Roman Abramovich. Chelsea finished the season under Andre's second in command, Roberto Di Matteo.
He was made the manager of the Tottenham Hotspurs over the summer, and got off to a bit of an iffy start drawing the first two matches of the season. But the team won their last match against Reading and I think this fella is on the comeback trail.
I have a new edition of Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday up and running at Presh To Death featuring stellar representatives of the German National Team and the Italian National Team... including a little suit porn! Huzzah!
I'll be honest, I'm very tempted to choose this bathtub as my imaginary boyfriend this week:
Because I am completely infatuated with it.
On a side note, I have actually seen a documentary about women who are in love with inanimate objects... so it's totally a thing. One lady was married to the Eiffel Tower and had been in a long term relationship with her bow (she was an Olympic archer or something). It was.... interesting.
You guys, I'm already enough of a weirdo. I don't need to add 'married to a bathtub' to my list of idiosyncrasies. So I'm choosing an actual person this week. And that person is:
Spanish striker Fernando Torres!
Fernando isn't having the best season, so let's hope being my imaginary boyfriend will give him the confidence boost he needs to play well against Ireland today.
1. This weekend I ran. I was not being chased. I voluntarily chose to run on my Sunday morning walk. At times I even sprinted. I don't even know myself anymore.
2. SOCCER. A lot of it it. My brain is going to explode with soccer and happiness.
3. Pineapple. You guys, I legitimately ate an entire pineapple this weekend.
4. I still can't believe Game of Thrones is over for almost another year. My Sunday night feels empty.
5. My nominee for "Hottest Player At Euro That I Didn't Previously Know or Give A Shit About" goes to this guy:
Simon Kjaer from Denmark.
6. This award will most likely change many, many times over the next month.
7. Skyscrapers by Demi Lovato is a song that can make me cry. Also Nessun Dorma from Turandot performed by anyone. I was not always like this, but over the years I have become a crier. It's obnoxious.
Also I'm a really ugly crier.
8. I woke up this morning thinking 'holy shit I can't believe it's only Tuesday'. Ugh.
9. Passion fruit yogurt is a terrible idea. It feels like you're eating yogurt that has dead roly-polys in it it. Ugh.
10. I feel like this list should end on number 10. So I'm just going to say that this is still making me laugh to an unhealthy degree:
You guys, I wasn't really planning on seeing The Avengers.
But now I'm thinking I definitely maybe should go?
This weekend I got my first book for my reading the 50 greatest books project. I'm starting at #50 with Tom Jones and working my way to #1 over the course of the next 7,000 years (approximately).
Who knew a biography of Tom Jones was such an important and influential book? I didn't.
I also bought myself this t-shirt to wear during my Euro viewing activities this summer:
Those are the names of the core Spanish National Team. I will be the nerd wearing this.
Although, if I had my choice it would be a t-shirt with just this motherflippers face and torso emblazoned on it:
In other news, I am .2 lbs away from reaching my next 10% weight loss goal. I probably would have reached it if I hadn't eaten 15 chocolate cookies this weekend. Very exciting, though! I'm at the lowest weight I have been in like 3 years. Huzzah!
I've already talked about all of the (non-superficial) reasons I am infatuated with Pep Guardiola. So let's focus on the superficial ones... because they are much more fun.
Pep's sartorial game is 100% immaculate.
Hoodies, cardigans, and sweater vests... oh my!!
The cardigan under the tailored suit look is killing me softly, you guys.
Even in jeans...I mean how are his jeans so perfect?! Are they tailored too?
This shirt looks so soft. It makes me want to pet him slightly more than usual.
We need Pep to come to America immediately to teach these basic American boys about real swagger. For realsies.
Okay. I guess I'll stop now. I think I've made my point.
You know how there are things that you just love without having to think about it or try?
Things like:
- a slice of warm pie with vanilla ice cream
- re-runs of Designing Women
- watching someone fall down
- that first sip of ice-cold beer on a hot day
- the way wheat fields looks in May... all green and velvet-y
These are not acquired tastes. You just love them... you savor them without even having to remind yourself to do so.
Well, that's how I feel about soccer. That's how I feel about FC Barcelona soccer.
Someday, you guys. I will be right smack dab in this middle
of these shenanigans.
So the thing is, if you met me in real life, I am not the kind of person you would meet and think 'I bet this girl is really passionately obsessed with sports and especially soccer.' You just wouldn't. You would probably more likely think 'I wonder how many cats she has, and should I tell her that her fly is down?'
Instead of trying to write a 20 page essay about Barca that no one in their right mind would ever try to read I will simply highlight my two favorite people on the team.
First up is Xavi.
I'm convinced that if I ever made direct eye contact
with Xavi, I would instantly melt into a puddle of
strawberry jam and rainbows.
Xavi is just Xavi. No last name necessary. He is Il Maestro. He is the heart and soul of the team. I once read a quote from one of his teammates that the first thing any of them do when they get the ball is to find Xavi and pass the ball to him. He is not a superstar in the sense that he rarely makes goals himself, but if a goal is scored by one of his teammates there is a 99% chance that it was scored from a pass that he set up.
It's really better to see him in action.
Also, one of his hobbies is mushroom-hunting. So he is also a giant nerd, and you know how I feel about those in general.
My second favorite person at Barca is Pep Guardiola, the manager (coach).
Sometimes I think he looks like a more handsome, Spanish Karl Pilkington.
Pep is not only probably the greatest manager in Barcelona history, he is dapper as fuck. We're talking Don Draper levels of dapperdom. Epic. And he's a Barcelona boy to the core. Played there as a youth, played there as an adult, managed the B team, and then finally managed the main team. And he's only 41 years old.
So this past Saturday was Pep's last game in Camp Nou (the Barcelona stadium) because he has decided to leave after the season ends in May. You guys, it is for realsies breaking my heart to see him go.
So they won the game 4-0 which was awesome.
And then this happened:
It says "We love you, Pep!"
Por Los Aires
The entire team and staff dancing mid-pitch to Viva La Vida by Coldplay.
And I'm not kidding you, TEARS streaming down my face like a real asshole, you guys.
So now you know... although I'm 100% positive you were already pretty aware... I am a gigantic nerd/crazy person.
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