A Little Bit Fat and Tacky...

... is the name of the memoir I'm going to write when I'm 97.

It comes from a quote from director Billy Wilder's (ex) wife Audrey about another Audrey, the waif-like star of his movie Sabrina, Audrey Hepburn.

"Through no fault of hers, (she) makes me feel fat and tacky. Also I suddenly realized I probably drink and smoke too much."

Yup.  That about sums it up.


After my birthday dinner tomorrow evening (a carb fest at Bella Vita Bistro), I'm officially starting my get healthy for the wedding diet/lifestyle change/cleanse/spiritual awakening/humdinger.  It's going to be so super cool, said nobody ever.

I've actually gained back about 25-30 lbs of weight over the past several months.  It turns out that relationships, even healthy and happy ones, have a way of fucking around with a single lady's finely tuned Rain Man-like existence of Jeopardy and underwear from K-mart.  Or in my case rarely eating bread and 2 mile walks by the river that was right outside my back stoop.

Before if I wanted to eliminate something from my diet, I just wouldn't buy it.  And I rarely went out to eat because if I wanted to sit alone in public and be pitied I could accomplish that a million other ways for free.

But, seriously, you guys, I have got one of the most intense case of the lazies these days that I've ever experienced.  I've also got an intense case of the pepperoni pizzas.

So I had to have a little come to Jesus with myself, the result of which was me signing up for DietBet, making Wade dust off his Diamond Dallas Page yoga DVDs (it's totally a thing and I'm super excited to try it), and reminding myself that I'm a 7th level vision master ninja bad ass when it comes to this whole healthy living weight loss thing (remember that time I lost 130 lbs...HELLO!).   So onward non-denominational soldiers, I've got this!

Also, this blog from Andie at Can You Stay For Dinner? about the connection between being fat and apologizing for yourself and trying to be small really kicked me in teeth heart-wise.

In other news, I'm delving deep into the batshit craziness of a bridal expo next weekend... so expect a report about that in the near future!  Also engagement photos!

Ha-cha-cha!

I hope all of you are well and shining bright like diamonds for the new year!

New Year, Same Jess

Look at all the loot I scored at New Year's Eve Bingo!

The nail polish/manicure clutter in the background is representative
of another of my obsessions we'll address on  another day.

That would be:
- A Gin and Titonic ice cube mold
- Peanut erasers
- Bowling Dice game
- And a kicky new dish towel

The elements of my New Year's that cannot be accurately represented in a photo are the amounts of cheese fondue and bacon I ate.

That's how you do New Year's Eve right, you guys: cheese fondue and bacon.

Champagne is so last year. Basic bitches drink that shit so I don't even bother.

In other important news, I went all Type A on my cruise packing/to do list this morning. I've got dinner outfits planned for every night on the ship down to what jewelry I'm wearing, clutch I'm carrying, make up style I'm applying, and hair style I'll be styling. Sweet McGillicuddy Jesus, I am organized and so ready for this trip.

I was totes having a white girl problem though because I have lost quite a bit of weight since summer, therefore all of my shorts are too big and look super stupid all cinched up with my belt.

I realize that this is an awesome problem to have, you guys.

But, no matter how awesome, I still had to try and find some new, smaller shorts in the dead middle of winter! And, lo and behold, Old Navy actually had some in my size. Super duper score.

So besides all of the sunless tanner I need to apply, I'm pretty much ready to go.  Applying sunless tanner is going to be my new hobby for the next 3 weeks.

Source.

Let's all collectively pray this doesn't happen.

I Bet You've Never Virtual Toasted Before

Who would have thought that I could draw ice cubes better than I could make those bracket thingamajigs?  Definitely not me.

Okay... glasses up and ready!

"Here's to a clear conscience or a poor memory...  L'Chaim!"

*Clink*

I'll be talking at y'all in the new year, so have a GREAT one. Don't forget to wear your yellow underpants and throw a bucket of water out the window at midnight!