You'll Meet an Army of Me

Folks, I don’t know much about anything (except the care and upkeep of pugs and where to buy the best donuts), but I do know a whole heck of a lot about the wild and amazing world of insecurities.

It’s a very practical knowledge I’ve acquired over the years due to my ability to walk through this weird and wonderful world with near crippling anxiety and insecurity.

Yes, I know it all very well.

Most of my anxiety and insecurity (and I suspect this is the case for most people) stems from comparing myself to others. It’s a constant, negative voice in my head that tells me that not only am I not as interesting/beautiful/intelligent/special as others, but that everyone else can see that I’m lacking and is just as disappointed in me as I am.

It’s exhausting and a super dick-ish thing to do to yourself.

Insecurity is so insidious too. Sometimes, like today, I will start the day A-OK and then find myself swiftly sinking into a dark K-hole of meanness. It can be triggered by something or nothing. Social media seems to be the prime suspect most of the time.

As I found myself mired in this fire swamp of self loathing today, I decided that it was time for a little vulnerability and sharing. I know most of us experience this at some point, and probably most of use experience it every week if not every day.

If you find yourself similarly mired, here are the hand grenades I lob at my insecurities on a regular basis:

- Repeat to infinity the mantra “I love myself, I love myself, I love myself…”. Brains are super dumb. If you say something as a fact over and over, even if you don’t believe that fact, eventually your brain will start to believe it, and suddenly it will be true! This one is crazy important and effective. Don’t wait for others to validate you. It’s dangerous and addictive. You have to try to believe with your whole entire body that you slow strut on rainbows.

- Do something nice for others. Get out of your own head and think about adding joy to someone else’s day. Inevitably it will increase your own joy.

 - Do something nice for yourself. Buy yourself something that makes you feel rad or eat a guilt-free donut. You’ve probably earned it.

- Create a note on your phone where you can keep track of every nice thing anyone has ever said about you. Refer to it liberally and believe every word of it. This one is tough sometimes because I tend to think every compliment I am paid is just done to humor me. I counteract this by channeling my best Bette Davis bravado and mentally affirming ‘Yes’ after reading each item. Again, brains are super dumb.

- Listen to this song. On repeat, if necessary.

For the most part, I am in the best place I have ever been as far as self-love and acceptance goes, but I still have my days. Those are the days I can see how much progress I have made, and the great love affair I have with myself. I can see it in the fortitude I have to warrior through and get back to A-OK or better.

Using a machete to cut through red tape.

Keep slow strutting across those rainbows, pals, and I’ll keep slow strutting across my own.

A Little Bit Fat and Tacky...

... is the name of the memoir I'm going to write when I'm 97.

It comes from a quote from director Billy Wilder's (ex) wife Audrey about another Audrey, the waif-like star of his movie Sabrina, Audrey Hepburn.

"Through no fault of hers, (she) makes me feel fat and tacky. Also I suddenly realized I probably drink and smoke too much."

Yup.  That about sums it up.


After my birthday dinner tomorrow evening (a carb fest at Bella Vita Bistro), I'm officially starting my get healthy for the wedding diet/lifestyle change/cleanse/spiritual awakening/humdinger.  It's going to be so super cool, said nobody ever.

I've actually gained back about 25-30 lbs of weight over the past several months.  It turns out that relationships, even healthy and happy ones, have a way of fucking around with a single lady's finely tuned Rain Man-like existence of Jeopardy and underwear from K-mart.  Or in my case rarely eating bread and 2 mile walks by the river that was right outside my back stoop.

Before if I wanted to eliminate something from my diet, I just wouldn't buy it.  And I rarely went out to eat because if I wanted to sit alone in public and be pitied I could accomplish that a million other ways for free.

But, seriously, you guys, I have got one of the most intense case of the lazies these days that I've ever experienced.  I've also got an intense case of the pepperoni pizzas.

So I had to have a little come to Jesus with myself, the result of which was me signing up for DietBet, making Wade dust off his Diamond Dallas Page yoga DVDs (it's totally a thing and I'm super excited to try it), and reminding myself that I'm a 7th level vision master ninja bad ass when it comes to this whole healthy living weight loss thing (remember that time I lost 130 lbs...HELLO!).   So onward non-denominational soldiers, I've got this!

Also, this blog from Andie at Can You Stay For Dinner? about the connection between being fat and apologizing for yourself and trying to be small really kicked me in teeth heart-wise.

In other news, I'm delving deep into the batshit craziness of a bridal expo next weekend... so expect a report about that in the near future!  Also engagement photos!

Ha-cha-cha!

I hope all of you are well and shining bright like diamonds for the new year!

Spiritual Pizza Party

Riotous pizza joy!

I’m not good at celebrating myself.  I bet you aren’t either.

But I also bet you’re super fantastic at berating yourself for your tiniest failure.  I sure as shit am!

You wanted to work out 3 times this week, but you only did it once?  What an ASSHOLE.

You weren’t going to eat any cake at the birthday party, but you did anyways?  WOW… you’re a real DICK STICK.

You decided to watch The Bachelorette instead of reading War and Peace?  You illiterate SON OF A BITCH.

Why are we such nit-picky assholes to ourselves?  Why is it so much easier to dwell on the things we haven’t accomplished than to celebrate the things that we have?

I’ve done a really bad job of celebrating something that I totally deserve to celebrate.

Three years ago, around this time of the year, I decided it was time to be healthier.

 I have lost 130 lbs.

Killing it at Lady Gaga karaoke and killing it in general.

It was so hard and frustrating and I thought I would never get to where I am today.

I am so damn proud of myself.

I’ve accomplished something so crazy huge, and I actually find myself hiding it… I delete old photos of myself and untag myself in photos on Facebook.  It’s really hard for me to even casually mention it in conversations without adding some qualifying bit of information to make sure people know that it’s not that big of a deal.

I recently found myself getting jealous of someone on Facebook because they were featured on a  weight loss page for losing a similar amount of weight.  And I had to stop and remind myself that the only difference between the two of us is that she acknowledges and celebrates herself.  SHE BRAGS.  It’s AWESOME.

I think we have a real problem in our culture with people acknowledging how awesome they are.  We tell them that they are arrogant.  We tell them that they are not a special snowflake.
 
It’s weird.

When we stop acknowledging our own special snowflake-ness, it makes us really bitter about other peoples’ special snowflake-ness.

You are a SNOWFLAKE.  You are a SKYSCRAPER.  You are BEYONCE.

And I think it’s okay to acknowledge that and throw ourselves a very special snowflake party every once in awhile.

So this is me bragging, and reminding everyone that I am Kanye West levels of awesome.

Love yourself, you guys!

Today I challenge you to celebrate yourself for something cool you've done.   Maybe folding a fitted sheet perfectly or eating 5 cupcakes in one sitting!  It all counts!

Bits and Bats and Progress On a Major Life Goal

Have you guys seen the thing where adorable Brazilian children are politely correcting the grammar of celebrities' tweets in order to improve their own English?

Something about it makes me feel good about humanity.


I had a weird dream last night that I learned how to rock climb by climbing Devil's Tower in Wyoming.

And I was totally fine the entire time I was climbing.  Fearless.  Just slow strutting up the shear face of this thing.

And then I got to the top and looked down at what I had accomplished... the heights I had risen to... and that's when the paralyzing fear kicked in hard.  I was overwhelmed. I remember making a conscious decision to sit down and give myself some time to really come to terms with the accomplishment.  Something about not being able to undo what I had done (even though it was an amazing, powerful thing) was really difficult to process.  I could never again in my life say that I hadn't climbed a 1,300 foot extinct volcano.

I think there is something in that feeling.  Sometimes success and moving forward are scary just because it means a fundamental change in yourself.  Even if that change is good and even if your life looks more than ever like what you always dreamed it would look like, it's still a thing you have to fucking process and take time trying to get your claws around.  And that's okay.


This song is fucking killing me it's so awesome.  Just bury me in the ground with a boom box playing this on an infinite loop.

Major Lazer - You're No Good (featuring Santigold, Vybz Kartel, Danielle Haim, and Yasmin)

Seriously, you guys... SO GOOD.

And now for some veryveryvery serious business.

I'm sure you guys are aware of my lifelong quest for the mirror-like shine and gloss of Kyle Richards' hair.

I'm not saying I'm there yet, but some major progress has been made because of this product:

I used this for the first time last night and you guys... no seriously YOU GUYS... my hair is so shiny and soft today!  My little vain heart is singing with riotous joy... go buy it!

Nothing of Note

Uneventful is a word I would use to describe the past week, but uneventful is okay... even more than okay sometimes.

It's been good to start settling into some routines after the upheaval of moving.  I realize that many people wouldn't still have bare walls and cardboard boxes sitting around their living room over a month after moving in, but, you guys, I'm a unique, special snowflake who has to process everything before she can really settle in to any given situation.

Don't you dare judge me.

In other somewhat eventful news...

My neighbor Lisa and I bought chairs for our shared porch this weekend.  So many porch beers this spring/summer, kids.  CANNOT FUCKING WAIT.

Oh and it's supposed to maybe kinda sorta motherfucking snow again tonight.  Jesusjosephanddoggystylemary go the fuck away winter.

I'm currently in an intense game of 'how rude and bitchy can I be to you before you figure out I hate you' with a co-worker.  This obtuse motherfucker will not catch a goddamn clue.

I'm up to running a full 15 minutes at a time (20 minutes total).  I say running, but the pace is really more like fast walking with a jogging motion added to make it look legit, but STILL.  I totally could not have even contemplated this feat a month ago.

Also, I'm convinced I look like this when I run (or walk with jogging motion):

And let's talk about the standout character from this week's episode of Game of Thrones:

ANGUY THE SEXY ARCHER!!!

Source: princessaryastark

The actress who plays Arya (Maisie Williams) is really living her best life.  Just hanging out with Joe Dempsie and this dude all day everyday.  On top of playing a universally loved character.  It's a good gig if you can get it.

Incoherent Thoughts

Allow me to ramble.

First of all, it is 19° outside on the 26th day of the third month in the year of our Lord 2013.

It motherfucking snowed on Saturday and Sunday.

I ate my Greek yogurt huddled over my open oven door this morning like a little pioneer lady in her sod shanty (they totally had Greek yogurt by the way... and probably hummus too).

Where is the sunshine?  Where are the tulips??  I want to go on bike rides, and wear my new t-shirt.

This would pair nicely with some galaxy leggings, and complete my regeneration into a hipster asshole.

SPEAKING OF WHICH!  I challenged myself to make the most annoyingly accurate hipster girl outfit possible on Polyvore.  I think we can all agree that my mission was accomplished.

I think the lavender hair and pork pie hat really put it over the top.

Confession: If I were 17 (and had perfect doll tits),  I would probably wear this... not even ironically.

BUT there was no bike riding or t-shirt wearing to be had this weekend.  All was not a loss though... instead I spent Saturday evening at the incredible home of Katherine and Conan from Keep Smiling.  Katherine and Conan are currently in the process of turning a vintage camper into a mobile photo studio and darkroom for their business, Lamphouse Photo Co.  In the meantime they are set up in the attic of their house (which has seriously been featured in magazines and shit... it's that cool), and they photographed myself and some of their friends while the snow fell outside.  Super fun, you guys!  Go check out some of the photos they took of us here!

And so, to end, here's what I have on the agenda this week:

A fondue party!

Sweaters and mugs of beer will be mandatory.

I'm having a fondue gathering with my family on Saturday, and I have a question.  Besides bread and boiled potatoes what are some good things to dip in cheese?  I mean, I would dip pretty much anything in cheese and eat it, but what would normal people like to dip in cheese and eat??

And new running shoes!

I'm dealing with some serious shoe envy lately.  When I'm at the gym I mostly spend all of my time staring at everyone's shoes wishing I had cooler ones.  It's like a return to 3rd grade when everyone had Reebok Pumps, and I had knock offs from Payless.  Quelle sad.  I think I should wait until after the Color Me Rad 5K in May and let my old ones get destroyed with paint bombs.  Then I'll have a legitimate reason to buy new shoes.  Or maybe I'll just give into my natural inclination towards materialism and vanity... who knows?!

NERD CHRISTMAS ON SUNDAY!

Game of Thrones premiere on Sunday, y'all.  Game of motherfucking Thrones.

A Love Letter To My Others

Friends,

Have I ever told you how rad you all are?

Have I sent each one of you a needlepoint throw pillow emblazoned with the words 'THANK YOU FOR READING MY BULLSHIT AND PRETENDING IT ISN'T BULLSHIT' in hot pink thread??

I wish I could because you are all so fabulous to me.  Your comments and encouragement are like my own personal double rainbows delivered right to my inbox.

I've been thinking a lot about the 'Find The Others' web comic I posted awhile back.

I just can't even begin to tell you how much that message has been the theme of my life the past few months.  My life has been magical in a very subtle, quiet, and beautiful way lately.  Every piece finding it's place at exactly the right moment.  The patience it has taken to sit still and let my life find it's way has been at times unbearable, but I feel really excited about where my life is headed lately even though I have no idea where that might be.

And I think some of that has to do with this blog.  Writing in this blog has helped me become more comfortable with being vulnerable.  I struggle with this.  I find it difficult to reveal personal things about myself to other people... even simple things like what music I like or which footballer I'm currently pretending to date.  But letting people into my interior life through this blog has been such a rewarding experience because of you guys, and I have found that this has bled over into my everyday, non-internet life as well.

All I can say is that everything really good and amazing that happens in life does so when you allow yourself to be vulnerable to others.  It is the most rewarding and exhilarating feeling in the universe.

Am I turning into Deepak Chopra?  Will Oprah ask me to be on her show??  Will she give me a brand new car???

I'm pretty sure the answer to all of these is a resounding 'Definitely maybe.'

And I can live with that.

Thank you so much for being my 'Others'.

With much love and double rainbows...

Your Pal,
Jess