I think it's time we familiarized ourselves with some of our future imaginary boyfriends at FC Bayern Munich.
I'm so excited that Pep Guardiola will be managing here next season. Seriously, when he announced that he was leaving my
baybeez at Barcelona (but would definitely coach again in the future), Munich was the team I favored for him when everyone else was suggesting Chelsea, Arsenal, and Manchester. I'm not saying he chose Munich because it was
my favorite, but it clear indicates the intellectual mind meld we have and the level of respect he has for my opinions. We're a great match on every level.
So I'm guessing I'll be watching a lot of live streams of Bundesliga matches on the internet in the upcoming year and I think it's important that we timidly cross the vast expanse of the junior high gym floor and introduce ourselves to these boys so we can awkwardly sway with them to Come Sail Away by Styx in dresses we borrowed from cousins and older sisters.
Here are a few I have my eye on:
1. Manuel Neuer
You guys, I don't know how to accurately describe to you how much Manuel is exactly like an overgrown Golden Retriever puppy. Just overeager and as happy as can be. He's the goalkeeper, but he can't stand to be confined to the penalty area... he's always trying to push forward and help score goals with varying degrees of success (mostly zero success). He loves Nutella and probably candy and watching cartoons. He is precious. He's also like 8 feet tall of something.
I feel like Manu sometimes gets lost trying to get home and just starts following a random person like a stray dog in the hopes that they will adopt him and feed him Nutella. I will be that random person and he can have all of the Nutella in the universe.
Also, look at this gif of him looking like an 8 year old being forced to attend an awards banquet:
I will make you pancakes forever, darling. And then climb you like a tree.
2. Mario Gomez
Yes, Mario Gomez is German, but his father is Spanish. Since Pep is Spanish and I'm Pep's special lady friend, I'll probably be spending a lot of time around Mario. I'm guessing some pretty intense feelings could develop, you guys.
Mario is the star forward for the team. He's pretty awesome. And he just broke up with his girlfriend of like 15 years or something so he's clearly in the market for a rebound. Looks like everything is coming up Jess!
Important Mario Fact! Boy oh boy can he wear a suit.
A lot of people ask me why I love soccer so much. It's pretty obvious isn't it?
Clearly it's because it's a beautiful game combining individual physical stamina and mental acuity with team work to create a fluid, at times balletic, visual spectacle.
Also, sometimes the players' clothing gets disheveled and you catch glimpses of their spectacular bodies on live televison. It's pretty rad, you guys.
Well, we've got lots more players to meet... Bayern Munich doesn't fuck around when it comes to hot dudes, but we've done some good work to get ourselves started.
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