You'll Meet an Army of Me

Folks, I don’t know much about anything (except the care and upkeep of pugs and where to buy the best donuts), but I do know a whole heck of a lot about the wild and amazing world of insecurities.

It’s a very practical knowledge I’ve acquired over the years due to my ability to walk through this weird and wonderful world with near crippling anxiety and insecurity.

Yes, I know it all very well.

Most of my anxiety and insecurity (and I suspect this is the case for most people) stems from comparing myself to others. It’s a constant, negative voice in my head that tells me that not only am I not as interesting/beautiful/intelligent/special as others, but that everyone else can see that I’m lacking and is just as disappointed in me as I am.

It’s exhausting and a super dick-ish thing to do to yourself.

Insecurity is so insidious too. Sometimes, like today, I will start the day A-OK and then find myself swiftly sinking into a dark K-hole of meanness. It can be triggered by something or nothing. Social media seems to be the prime suspect most of the time.

As I found myself mired in this fire swamp of self loathing today, I decided that it was time for a little vulnerability and sharing. I know most of us experience this at some point, and probably most of use experience it every week if not every day.

If you find yourself similarly mired, here are the hand grenades I lob at my insecurities on a regular basis:

- Repeat to infinity the mantra “I love myself, I love myself, I love myself…”. Brains are super dumb. If you say something as a fact over and over, even if you don’t believe that fact, eventually your brain will start to believe it, and suddenly it will be true! This one is crazy important and effective. Don’t wait for others to validate you. It’s dangerous and addictive. You have to try to believe with your whole entire body that you slow strut on rainbows.

- Do something nice for others. Get out of your own head and think about adding joy to someone else’s day. Inevitably it will increase your own joy.

 - Do something nice for yourself. Buy yourself something that makes you feel rad or eat a guilt-free donut. You’ve probably earned it.

- Create a note on your phone where you can keep track of every nice thing anyone has ever said about you. Refer to it liberally and believe every word of it. This one is tough sometimes because I tend to think every compliment I am paid is just done to humor me. I counteract this by channeling my best Bette Davis bravado and mentally affirming ‘Yes’ after reading each item. Again, brains are super dumb.

- Listen to this song. On repeat, if necessary.

For the most part, I am in the best place I have ever been as far as self-love and acceptance goes, but I still have my days. Those are the days I can see how much progress I have made, and the great love affair I have with myself. I can see it in the fortitude I have to warrior through and get back to A-OK or better.

Using a machete to cut through red tape.

Keep slow strutting across those rainbows, pals, and I’ll keep slow strutting across my own.

What's Ripe to Rot?

I read Rob Brezsny's horoscopes every week like it is my religion.  I know horoscopes and astrology aren't for everyone, but I think anyone with open, curious mind can benefit from reading his thought-provoking advice every week.

For instance, here is mine (Capricorn):

"The person who can't visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot," said the founder of Surrealism, writer André Breton. I wouldn't go so far as to call such an imagination-deprived soul an "idiot," but I do agree with the gist of his declaration. One of the essential facets of intelligence is the ability to conjure up vivid and creative images in one's mind. When daily life has grown a bit staid or stuck or overly serious, this skill becomes even more crucial. Now is one of those times for you, Capricorn. If you have any trouble visualizing a horse galloping on a tomato, take measures to boost the fertility of your imagination.

These are not your average run of the mill "you will meet a dark stranger" horoscopes.  They ask you to think deeply about yourself and to try something different.  I think anyone can benefit from that.

I look forward to reading his newsletter every week because it always contains some other tidbit (besides the horoscopes) that stop me right in my damn tracks.  This week it was this:

"Don't eat any food that's incapable of rotting," says Michael Pollan in  his book *In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto.* In other words, highly processed foods with a long shelf life don't contribute to your optimum vitality.  I'd like to expand this rule to make it an all-purpose guideline for life. Try out this hypothesis: If you're involved with any person or situation that never decays, or if there is some part of you that never decays, that's 

highly suspicious and may be a problem. Like growth, rot is a natural 

phenomenon. Indeed, every advancement requires or brings the disintegration of whatever it replaces. You can't grow if you don't rot. The "perfection" of stasis can be hazardous to your health.

What's ripe to rot in your world?

A couple of people have recently made comments (jokingly, but maybe 50% seriously) that although they admire my optimism about life it also bothers them (or annoys them possibly?)  My first reaction was 'What a strange reaction to someone trying to be happy?'

But then I thought 'Yeah, but who wouldn't be annoyed by someone who acts like sunshine and rainbows shoot out of their asshole 24 hours a goddamn day?'

I know I would.

So it's time for an honesty check.

SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS DO NOT SHOOT OUT OF MY ASSHOLE 24 HOURS A DAY.

Yeah I might spend a lot of time going full hippy dippy spiritual around here, but, believe it or not, I do not do kundalini yoga vision quests to the surface of the moon while wearing a flower crown and eating tempeh tacos most of the time.

But I bet he does.

I am not happy all of the time.  I go through incredibly shitty days, weeks, months, and years (let's not talk about calendar years 2009-2010).  I deal with mild depression, anxiety, social anxiety, introversion, and low self-esteem on a daily basis.

The last two weeks have not been fun for me.  I have been hurting.  I have been struggling.  I feel lonely and isolated and just burdened by a thousand little problems that won't seem to sort themselves out no matter what solution I throw at them.

But here is what I do know and what I carry around with me at all times: a deep and abiding belief that life has a cycle of its own design, that everything absolutely does work out for the best, that happiness will always be found, that the Universe is a deeply good place, that human beings are perfectly imperfect, and that just because something isn't working out right now doesn't mean that it never will.

My happiness right now is just a set of lost keys. I've turned over every sofa cushion, retraced every step, searched through every garbage can, torn apart my car, and what I've determined is this:  sometimes your happiness is found in being sad, in standing still and just letting yourself live through the process.  If everything in life is a lesson, then sometimes the universe sends us sadness for a reason.  It doesn't last.  What truly excites me is that I know when it seems like nothing is happening, EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING.  Everything is simmering underneath the placid surface of my life right now.

I don't understand how that couldn't put a little kick in anyone's step.  I'm living on the verge of something wonderful.  That's some cool shit.

So, yes, I rot sometimes. And I try to embrace it because I know the next cycle of joy in my life can't start until I do.

Tingles

I seem to be in a kind of cocoon/waiting room period in my life right now.  It's kind of cool because I think when your life quiets down for a bit you know that big exciting stuff is in the works.  It's a feeling I really dig.  So in the meantime I've been cultivating the art of finding things that make me happy just for the sake of being happy.

And in the spirit of sharing (or talking about myself... which, let's face, is the entire raison d'être of this blog) I thought I'd do a little show and tell about some of my recent tingles.

1. Welcome to Night Vale

I'm sure many of you have already known about Night Vale for months and months, but I am traditionally the last person on every cool kid band wagon so I just heard about it this week.  For those that haven't heard about it, Welcome to Night Vale is a bi-weekly podcast about a little town in the desert called Night Vale where a lot of weird shit is happening.  It's kind of like Rod Serling and Amy Sedaris wrote an episode of Prairie Home Companion.  It's truly very awesome even if you aren't a science fiction fan.

2. The Wire by Haim

This is a new song from super cool sister group Haim.  I love their sound... like some weird Stevie Nicks/Belinda Carlisle/mid 90s Liz Phair combo. 

3. The Daily Love

I'm a good news junkie.  I treat my happiness like a set of lost keys: I look for it everywhere.  This website/daily email newsletter has become such a highlight in my day.  The creator Mastin Kipp started The Daily Love as a twitter account when he was in the baby steps of his own spiritual journey.  It's crazy how almost every day Mastin's message in my inbox feels almost like it was written specifically for me and addresses something I am currently going through... like today, for instance:

How many of us can do that in life? Instead of demanding what we want and wanting it now, can we ask The Uni-verse for what we want, and then let go? Can we rest in the peace of the moment knowing we are provided for and that the perfect thing, which is probably better than what we asked for in the first place, will show up?

Do we really have the faith to live the maybe? Or better put, can we see that the delays of The Uni-verse are not Its denials? Can we let go and let things unfold naturally? 

This just really spoke to me and how I've been feeling lately... like all of my momentum has been put on hold.  I think I've been struggling to recognize it as temporary, and instead I've been worrying that I might be at a dead end.  I've been seeing lots of 'Nos' when really I've been getting lots of 'Maybes'.  I had such a great aha moment when I read this.

4. The rain

We've been getting Oregonian levels of rain around here.  I am in love with it.  Everything is so GREEN and beautiful.  The trees are actually growing moss and there are mushrooms everywhere.  It's majestic.  But I am genuinely sorry for the people with flooded basements.

5. This picture of a tiger living his/her best life.

Every time I look at this picture of a tiger relaxing in a waterfall I feel peaceful.  And I don't know where I am in this photo... am I the tiger?  Am I the water flowing around the tiger? Or am I the stone and rock on which the tiger lays and over which the water flows?  Do I care?  Nope.

Riotous Joy In Our Hearts

It's Monday and I'm thinking about all of the things I have to be thankful for in this batshit insane life of mine. Everyday I see things that make me excited about pushing forward.  I hope you do too.

I think we should all tell the naysayers of the Universe to stay pressed and go write about it in their diaries.

Now let's listen to happy music and dance like maniacs!!

1. Must Land Running by Stepdad

2. Bright Whites by Kishi Bashi

3. Tongue Tied by Grouplove

Also this gif set illustrates exactly what I'm like in real life: