Life is weird.
That’s the most important thing I can think of to say to anyone reading this after my nearly 6 months of radio silence.
And because life is weird, the roads you find yourself rambling down are sometimes unexpected and beautiful and terrifyingly cool.
I’ve been really scared a lot lately, which is a weird thing to experience when you’re also really incredibly happy. It’s like a brain can’t just allow happiness to exist by itself. It has to send some other companion feeling to make it more interesting and bizarre. So my brain sent fear. And my theory is that it sent fear because the happiness is so good and because I finally for once in my life have something very real to lose.
That is fucking scary as shit. Who voluntarily signs up for this level of vulnerability? Apparently we all do. What is the matter with us?!
I will also say that love is weird. It takes you down the scariest and weirdest and still even more terrifyingly cool paths. And I think maybe it is because it’s so unexpected BUT at the same time it’s the thing you spend so much of your life looking for that makes it SO WEIRD. It feels like an out of body experience sometimes. Like you’re hovering above your body sitting next to the body of someone else thinking “Okay so this is what it’s like to cherish someone else’s existence and be cherished for your own existence. That’s kind of cool.” And the warmth and happiness you feel is like curling up in a giant velvet bean bag chair and covering yourself in cocker spaniel puppies.
John Steinbeck explains it a little bit better in a letter to his son in 1958:
There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you -- of kindness and consideration and respect -- not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn't know you had.
It’s pretty rad.
And now on to something completely ridiculous… MY TERRIBLE DIET.
I decided to give this Whole 30 nonsense a try. Basically you give up everything delicious for a month and it’s supposed to make you feel like a million trillion solid gold medallions.
It’s the worst. I’m on Day Something or Other (probably 11, but I don’t have the energy to look at a calendar… probably because I haven’t eaten cheese for days) and my body is legit falling apart. In the first week I caught a cold (my 17th of the season), got my period 2 weeks early, and started obsessively thinking about cake and tacos and pizza (my GAWD the things I do to pizza in my brain). I also whine a lot (more than usual).
I’m swiftly wearing out my ‘Complain About Your Diet’ pass with people in my real life, so expect to catch some more of that here! Huzzah for you!!