January 29, 2013

The Internet's #1 Resource For Photos of Pep Guardiola In Suits

I love to check the search keywords in the traffic sources for my blog.  It gives me no end of joy to see how people (okay like 1 person) stumbled across my blog.  These were the results when I came back from vacation for 8 days:

As you can see I'm skewing very heavily towards the Pep Guardiola suit and style appreciation demographic.  Which means that the world is exactly as it should be.

January 28, 2013

She's BACK!!

I'm home and on solid ground, but I've got a wicked case of something called 'land sickness'.  It's where you are on solid ground, but you still feel like you're on a boat.  Super fun!

I have so many excellent stories to tell from my trip, and I took a ton of photos (including a very special photo of myself, Kristine, and the CAPTAIN!!!!!!).

As soon as I can get a breath from catching up at work and unpacking I'm going to deluge you with anecdotes from the trip.  So get ready for that.

Talk to y'all later!

January 23, 2013

Lies We Tell Ourselves

I just realized that I give myself this exact pep talk every time I leave the house, and, you guys, it's not even true.

I say the most ridiculous things and then cringe over them for at least a week before finally moving on.  I'm not even sure how I have any friends most of the time.

I am, however, much more outgoing than I have ever been before.  I actually enjoy meeting people and talking to people... whether or not they enjoy talking to me is another issue.  But it seems that some of my shyness and introversion has faded away a lot over the past year or so.

So one of my main goals this year is to go out and circulate a bit more.  Make some new friends, do some new things, end up in jail... WHO KNOWS?!

The main problem I'm finding with doing this is that I'm the only truly single person in my tiny circle of friends (more of a triangle of friends really).  So in order to go out and make some new friends, I'm going to have to go out alone??? Oh gawd... I just can't.

What do you think?  I wish they had a dating website for just making friends... oh wait they do... it's called Facebook and it's the devil.


January 21, 2013

Jess' A Plus Gold Star Ticket To Ride Running Playlist

I run.  3 times a week I run.  It's a thing that I do that I hate doing, but do anyways.

I don't recommend it.

The only thing I like about running is getting to make a new killer running playlist every week.  That's it.

Here's what I'm listening to this week:

1. Marina and the Diamonds - Obsessions (Ocelot Remix)

2. Of Monsters and Men - King and Lionheart

3. Stars - Hold On When You Get Love and Let Go When You Give It

4. Mumford and Sons - Lover of the Light

5. Mikhael Paskalev - Jive Babe

6. Ke$ha - Die Young

Starships used to be my go-to running song, but I injured myself a couple of weeks ago because it makes me feel like I can in fact run as fast as a starship.  So we're on a break from each other for awhile while I'm listening to Ke$ha.

January 18, 2013

Auf Wiedersehen, Asshole.

I'm on vacation, kids!

That means 10 whole days without your pal Jess.  BUMMER SUMMER. I know.

I do have a couple of things scheduled to post while i'm away, but in the meantime just write me love letters and work on this homework assignment:

I need you to tell me the kinds of things you'd like me to write about more.  I can obviously talk forever about nothing and pretend people care, but what kind of stuff are you actually interested in reading?  I'm dying to know.

I feel like my last blog post before vacation should be more profound and thoughtful just in case I die... so here are the three greatest lessons I have gleaned from life:

  1. Never put on pantyhose in front of a man.
  2. Close your legs to married men. (learned from observation, NOT experience)
  3. Always do things that terrify you.
Keep slow strutting across rainbows until I get back (probably married to a sea captain)!

January 17, 2013

Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday... Wilkommen Edition

It's official, kids... our sartorial patron saint Pep Guardiola is headed to Munich next season to coach FC Bayern Munich.

You guys, just imagine Mr. Dapper As Fuck himself just absolutely Hugo Boss'd to within an inch of his life.


And those Bayern Boys better start getting their jeans tailored immediately and keep their sartorial game tight....  Pep doesn't fuck around with off-the-shelf Levi's.

We've got a lot of work to do before next season.

Actual Golden Retriever puppy and Bayern goalkeeper, Manuel Neuer.

January 16, 2013

Not Directly Translatable

You know those lists of words that circulate various social media websites?  The ones that supposedly don't directly translate to an English equivalent?

I personally love them.  Here are some of my favorites:

Mamihlapinatapai (Yaghan): A look shared by two people, each wishing that the other will offer something that they both desire but are unwilling to suggest or offer themselves.

Pena ajena (Mexican Spanish): The embarrassment you feel watching someone else’s humiliation.

Culacino (Italian): The water mark left on a table from a cold glass.

El sbarlusega (Italian): Literally "the shining". A Venetian word for the reflections of water on buildings or ceilings.

 But here are some other things I thought of that may or may not have words in other languages, but definitely should.

  • There should be a word for a mediocre day that follows a really great day.  It should encompass the feeling that your day was terrible even though you know it wasn't; it just couldn't live up to the euphoria of the previous day. 

  • There should be a word for that moment when you know your friend is thinking the same dirty, inappropriate thing that you are, and you have to avoid making eye contact with them so you don't start laughing.

  • There should be a word for the anxiety you feel watching nature documentaries knowing at any moment something tragic and heartbreaking is going to happen.

  • There should be a word for the warmth you feel when you remember a summer day in the middle of winter.

  • There should be a word for when you almost have yourself convinced you don't really like someone you know you shouldn't like, but actually you still do.

  • There should be a word for the effort it takes not to roll your eyes or sneer when dealing with a particularly obnoxious co-worker.

  • There should be a word for the very first sip of cold beer on a really hot day.

  • There should be a word for the way reading or listening to or looking at some things hollows you out and leaves you breathless for at least 15 seconds... oh wait... there is (well a phrase anyways).

  • There ought to be a word for standing in front of a painting and not being able to resist the urge to touch it even though you are in a museum and will definitely be thrown out if you are caught.

Now tell me some of your own.

January 14, 2013

Asking Believing Receiving

I've decided to ask the Universe for something very important.




Those would all be great too, but what I really want are Björk tickets.

You guys, in February and March Björk is doing 4 shows in Paris, on an island in the Seine, IN A FUCKING CIRCUS TENT.

I just love her so much and I want to see her perform live before I'm dead and buried.

So this is me lighting a million sticks of strawberry incense in front of the statue of the Patron Saint of Icelandic Pixie Gnome Electro-Folk-Pop-Whatever She Feels Like Singers, imploring her to hear my prayer and send me concert tickets and a few plane tickets and maybe accommodations at a 3 to 4 star boutique hotel.

Pretty please?

January 11, 2013

If Today Had A Theme Song...

... It would definitely be this:

Everyone is just the worst today.  If anyone calls, i'll be in the backyard eating cyanide and broken glass.

January 10, 2013

And Another Thing...

Why isn't this song on the radio all of the time?   20 years old and this song still kills it!

Holy hell I miss 90s rap videos... they just don't make 'em like they used to.

Things and Such... Also An Imaginary Boyfriend Thrown In

1. Stars - Hold On When You Get Love and Let Go When You Give It

A lyric from this song (my current running jam), has become my 2013 life motto:
 Take the weakest thing in you / and then beat the bastards with it.

2. This jackalope jewelry holder... which I desperately need because of very important non-negotiable reasons.

3. Speaking of jackalopes and life mottos... this should be required reading (p.s. it has nothing to do with jackalopes).  But only if you're in the mood to have your heart ripped out, re-shaped by powerful, knowing hands, and then gently placed back into your chest cavity... and who isn't?!

Also, I think I'm the very last person on the planet (possibly the solar system) to read this... forever the last person on every band wagon.  As I was reading I kept thinking 'why didn't anyone tell me to read this sooner?!' and then I remembered that they did... lots of people... and several times.  I'm an asshole.

4. Richard Ayoade

Richard meets all of my imaginary boyfriend requirements:

a) English

b) Funny

c) Adorable

d) Incredibly talented

e) Looks great in a suit

January 8, 2013

New Year's(ish) Resolutions

I'm not a big believer in the Tao of the New Year's Resolution.  Resolutions in and of themselves are not a terrible thing, and I sincerely believe that trying  to be the best version of ourselves is always a good idea.  I just think that can happen any time of the year... make a May 17th or Oct 21st resolution... because there is nothing magical about setting a goal on a specific day of the year.

But I can certainly understand why the beginning of a new year can feel like a clean slate and a good time to start making some positive changes.  And, in that spirit, I have decided to participate.

This is what I have come up with:

1. Make art.  
As much as I can. Every day if I can manage it. I need to do this because it makes me happy.  Because every time I write a story or take a photo I really like, I feel like I could slow strut across a rainbow.  It gives me purpose.

2. Drink more water.
Apparently I should be drinking half of my weight in ounces of water everyday.  There are days when I drink nothing but coffee.  That is atrocious and disgusting.  I'm going to work on this.

3. Cocoon.
Sometimes the best decision you can make is to focus on taking care of yourself first and having faith that the rest will take care of itself in its own good time.  This one is about having patience... something I struggle with constantly. I also need to do some intense hyperballading.

4. Do things that terrify me.
A thing I've learned in the past year is that the more something makes me nervous and uncomfortable, the more I absolutely need to do it.  So I need to keep making myself terrified.

And that's it.  I think it's going to be a good year.

January 7, 2013


I'm a sap for a good poem. Here are a few that have given me that good ol' feelings ghost chill lately.

Perhaps It Is To Feel Strike

perhaps it is to feel strike
the silverfish of her nakedness
with fins sharply pleasant, my

youth has travelled toward her these years

or to snare the timid like
of her mind to my mind that i

am come by little countries to the yes

of her youth.
                     And if somebody hears
what i say -- let him be pitiful:
because i've travelled all alone
through the forest of wonderful,
and that my feet have surely known
the furious ways and the peaceful,

and because she is beautiful

- e.e. cummings

Becoming a Nun

On cold days
it is easy to be reasonable,
to button the mouth against kisses,
dust the breasts
with talcum powder
& forget
the red pulp meat
of the heart.

On those days
it beats
like a digital clock—
not a beat at all
but a steady whirring
chilly as green neon,
luminous as numerals in the dark,
cool as electricity.

& I think:
I can live without it all—
love with its blood pump,
sex with its messy hungers,
men with their peacock strutting,
their silly sexual baggage,
their wet tongues in my ear
& their words like little sugar suckers
with sour centers.

On such days
I am zipped in my body suit,
I am wearing seven league red suede boots,
I am marching over the cobblestones
as if they were the heads of men,

& I am happy
as a seven-year-old virgin
holding Daddy’s hand.

Don’t touch.
Don’t try to tempt me with your ripe persimmons.
Don’t threaten me with your volcano.
The sky is clearer when I’m not in heat,
& the poems
are colder.

- Erica Jong

O Me! O Life!

O Me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring;
Of the endless trains of the faithless—of cities fill’d with the foolish;
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light—of the objects mean—of the struggle ever renew’d;
Of the poor results of all—of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me;
Of the empty and useless years of the rest—with the rest me intertwined;
The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?
That you are here—that life exists, and identity;
That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.
- Walt Whitman

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