October 24, 2013

Emerging from the Pumpkin Spice and Wood Smoke Miasma

HI GUYS!  I still exist!

I was in kind of a lull for a bit... not a lot going on.

Except that my brave and talented friend Kari at The Sunset Lane blog helped me merchandise my place up a bit by making me a new light fixture to hang over my dining room table (you should go read about that here).  And then further pimping my ride by putting gold polka dots all over my ceiling!!!  And I finally got my bar cart shellacked with gold spray paint and installed in my living room.

I did some socializing too!  I went to my first Tallgrass Film Festival last week.  My favorite movie didn't win any awards, but you should go watch it on iTunes because it is amazing.  It's called Muscle Shoals.

Seriously.  Go.  Watch it.  So good.

Anyways... here is a very well executed, award winning, MS Paint collage representation of my past month.  Hope everyone is well!

September 17, 2013


I just realized I haven't written a blog since August.

Here are my super solid excuses:

1. September is the lamest month ever.

2. I am the lamest person ever.

3. I've been watching a lot of re-runs of Wings.

The thing is that I feel like I haven't done anything worthy of a blog, but I actually have done some stuff.

On the home decorating front, I made these cool glitter frames for my Golden Girls portraits:

Still haven't hung them yet.  Give me another 6 months.
And I bought these hella rad acrylic folding chairs from my friend Kari who got a hella rad deal on them on Craigslist:

Just imagine how cool they will look
when I've covered the beige carpet with
a bold rug, and centered an even bolder
light fixture above the table. Hella fucking rad.

Okay... I'm done saying 'hella' now like a doucheketeer asshole.

I went to the Kansas State Fair. Twice.

And ate about 12,000 calories on each visit.

Always say yes to a gyro made in a truck.
And rode a ferris wheel.

And fell in love with this chicken's sweet style.

Other than that I've just been be-bopping around (not she-bopping around... gross) and trying not to eat too many mug brownies.  There has been some dating too.

So all in all a not so shabby month in progress for Jess!  Let's keep trucking into the big show... AUTUMN!!!

August 28, 2013

Let's Talk About Something Fun Today

What are we going to talk about?

I have no fucking idea, but it won't be about Miley Cyrus.

1.  We get free hot dogs at work today because we've all been so fabulous (I'm assuming that is why).

And tomorrow my office-mate and I organized a food day in our tiny office.  Mostly because we wanted an excuse to eat all day without getting up from our desk to go and get food.  So that's going to be awesome.

I'm bringing Baked Potato Dip (kinda like this recipe except I add green onions... for health) and Cinnamon Roll Cake (also for health).  Yep... I am making two things because I am Beyonce levels of awesome and Dom Deluise levels of in love with food.

Just photoshop my face onto this and use it as my tombstone.

And then Friday even more free hot dogs for lunch at work!

Apparently the week before Labor Day is a time for pre-fortifying yourself with nitrates (and mayonnaise) so you can eat more nitrates on the big day! HUZZAH!

2.  On Sunday my friend Kari from The Sunset Lane came over to help my un-motivated, decorating impaired self work on some strategery for making my apartment not look like a sterile dorm room.

We hung newspaper templates on the walls to figure out where to hang all of my art and photos, but, you guys, I'm getting kind of attached to the newspaper.  It might stay indefinitely.

Henry helped.

She also brought me this:

Henry doesn't even remember posing to have his portrait painted, but he obviously did because the likeness is uncanny!

We also ate pizza and brownies and bitched about dudes... basically a perfect Sunday afternoon!

3. I really like this song a lot:

Royals by Lorde

4. This Dana Barrett in Ghostbusters makeup tutorial is awesome... I just need someone to go with me to a Halloween party as The Keymaster.

And that's about as much fun as I can handle today!  Get back to work, nerds!

August 20, 2013

What's Ripe to Rot?

I read Rob Brezsny's horoscopes every week like it is my religion.  I know horoscopes and astrology aren't for everyone, but I think anyone with open, curious mind can benefit from reading his thought-provoking advice every week.

For instance, here is mine (Capricorn):
"The person who can't visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot," said the founder of Surrealism, writer AndrĂ© Breton. I wouldn't go so far as to call such an imagination-deprived soul an "idiot," but I do agree with the gist of his declaration. One of the essential facets of intelligence is the ability to conjure up vivid and creative images in one's mind. When daily life has grown a bit staid or stuck or overly serious, this skill becomes even more crucial. Now is one of those times for you, Capricorn. If you have any trouble visualizing a horse galloping on a tomato, take measures to boost the fertility of your imagination.
These are not your average run of the mill "you will meet a dark stranger" horoscopes.  They ask you to think deeply about yourself and to try something different.  I think anyone can benefit from that.

I look forward to reading his newsletter every week because it always contains some other tidbit (besides the horoscopes) that stop me right in my damn tracks.  This week it was this:

"Don't eat any food that's incapable of rotting," says Michael Pollan in  his book *In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto.* In other words, highly processed foods with a long shelf life don't contribute to your optimum vitality.  I'd like to expand this rule to make it an all-purpose guideline for life. Try out this hypothesis: If you're involved with any person or situation that never decays, or if there is some part of you that never decays, that's 
highly suspicious and may be a problem. Like growth, rot is a natural 
phenomenon. Indeed, every advancement requires or brings the disintegration of whatever it replaces. You can't grow if you don't rot. The "perfection" of stasis can be hazardous to your health.
What's ripe to rot in your world?
A couple of people have recently made comments (jokingly, but maybe 50% seriously) that although they admire my optimism about life it also bothers them (or annoys them possibly?)  My first reaction was 'What a strange reaction to someone trying to be happy?'

But then I thought 'Yeah, but who wouldn't be annoyed by someone who acts like sunshine and rainbows shoot out of their asshole 24 hours a goddamn day?'

I know I would.

So it's time for an honesty check.


Yeah I might spend a lot of time going full hippy dippy spiritual around here, but, believe it or not, I do not do kundalini yoga vision quests to the surface of the moon while wearing a flower crown and eating tempeh tacos most of the time.

But I bet he does.

I am not happy all of the time.  I go through incredibly shitty days, weeks, months, and years (let's not talk about calendar years 2009-2010).  I deal with mild depression, anxiety, social anxiety, introversion, and low self-esteem on a daily basis.

The last two weeks have not been fun for me.  I have been hurting.  I have been struggling.  I feel lonely and isolated and just burdened by a thousand little problems that won't seem to sort themselves out no matter what solution I throw at them.

But here is what I do know and what I carry around with me at all times: a deep and abiding belief that life has a cycle of its own design, that everything absolutely does work out for the best, that happiness will always be found, that the Universe is a deeply good place, that human beings are perfectly imperfect, and that just because something isn't working out right now doesn't mean that it never will.

My happiness right now is just a set of lost keys. I've turned over every sofa cushion, retraced every step, searched through every garbage can, torn apart my car, and what I've determined is this:  sometimes your happiness is found in being sad, in standing still and just letting yourself live through the process.  If everything in life is a lesson, then sometimes the universe sends us sadness for a reason.  It doesn't last.  What truly excites me is that I know when it seems like nothing is happening, EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING.  Everything is simmering underneath the placid surface of my life right now.

I don't understand how that couldn't put a little kick in anyone's step.  I'm living on the verge of something wonderful.  That's some cool shit.

So, yes, I rot sometimes. And I try to embrace it because I know the next cycle of joy in my life can't start until I do.

August 14, 2013


I seem to be in a kind of cocoon/waiting room period in my life right now.  It's kind of cool because I think when your life quiets down for a bit you know that big exciting stuff is in the works.  It's a feeling I really dig.  So in the meantime I've been cultivating the art of finding things that make me happy just for the sake of being happy.

And in the spirit of sharing (or talking about myself... which, let's face, is the entire raison d'ĂȘtre of this blog) I thought I'd do a little show and tell about some of my recent tingles.

1. Welcome to Night Vale

I'm sure many of you have already known about Night Vale for months and months, but I am traditionally the last person on every cool kid band wagon so I just heard about it this week.  For those that haven't heard about it, Welcome to Night Vale is a bi-weekly podcast about a little town in the desert called Night Vale where a lot of weird shit is happening.  It's kind of like Rod Serling and Amy Sedaris wrote an episode of Prairie Home Companion.  It's truly very awesome even if you aren't a science fiction fan.

2. The Wire by Haim

This is a new song from super cool sister group Haim.  I love their sound... like some weird Stevie Nicks/Belinda Carlisle/mid 90s Liz Phair combo. 

3. The Daily Love

I'm a good news junkie.  I treat my happiness like a set of lost keys: I look for it everywhere.  This website/daily email newsletter has become such a highlight in my day.  The creator Mastin Kipp started The Daily Love as a twitter account when he was in the baby steps of his own spiritual journey.  It's crazy how almost every day Mastin's message in my inbox feels almost like it was written specifically for me and addresses something I am currently going through... like today, for instance:

How many of us can do that in life? Instead of demanding what we want and wanting it now, can we ask The Uni-verse for what we want, and then let go? Can we rest in the peace of the moment knowing we are provided for and that the perfect thing, which is probably better than what we asked for in the first place, will show up?

Do we really have the faith to live the maybe? Or better put, can we see that the delays of The Uni-verse are not Its denials? Can we let go and let things unfold naturally? 
This just really spoke to me and how I've been feeling lately... like all of my momentum has been put on hold.  I think I've been struggling to recognize it as temporary, and instead I've been worrying that I might be at a dead end.  I've been seeing lots of 'Nos' when really I've been getting lots of 'Maybes'.  I had such a great aha moment when I read this.

4. The rain

We've been getting Oregonian levels of rain around here.  I am in love with it.  Everything is so GREEN and beautiful.  The trees are actually growing moss and there are mushrooms everywhere.  It's majestic.  But I am genuinely sorry for the people with flooded basements.

5. This picture of a tiger living his/her best life.

Every time I look at this picture of a tiger relaxing in a waterfall I feel peaceful.  And I don't know where I am in this photo... am I the tiger?  Am I the water flowing around the tiger? Or am I the stone and rock on which the tiger lays and over which the water flows?  Do I care?  Nope.

August 12, 2013


I have been having some trouble with anxiety lately.  Just an unrelenting tightness in my abdomen and a  lot obsessive thoughts and worrying.  Such a terrific way to walk through the world!

Sometimes I think the best thing to do when anxiety descends is to stop, take a deep breath, and express some fucking gratitude for all of the wonderful things you have in this world.

I have so many things to be grateful for... a ridiculous and embarrassing amount of things actually.

I have a sweet little dog that worships the ground I walk on.
And a funny cat.
I have parents that would do anything for me.
And aunts and uncles that would too.
And grandparents that think that I'm brilliant.
And friends that make me laugh.
And a dude that thinks I'm pretty rad.
I have good books to read.
And rainy days.
And sunny days.
I have meditation.
And poetry.
I have a body that lets me do just about anything I want.
I have a job that gives me space to be creative in my free time.
And co-workers that I actually enjoy being around.
I have air conditioning when I'm hot.
I have heat when I'm cold.
And I have shelter from storms.
I receive love, affection, and acceptance from so many.
I receive lessons and insight about myself from so many.
And kindness from strangers too.

And acknowledging all of that takes the edge off of my anxiety, but it's still there.  And I guess the thing I am most grateful for is my heart... which knows on every level that this is only temporary.  That the anxiety will pass and good things are always moving into your life and problems are always sorting themselves out and the universe is always conspiring to shower you with even more blessings.

So I think today is a day for treating myself and others tenderly... I'm just going to wrap myself in a nice warm duvet reminder of all of the things that are right in my world, and try and find some ways to spread a little love and kindness out into the world.

I hope everyone has an amazing day.

August 8, 2013

Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday... Riotous Joy Edition

I was inspired by Aunt Peaches (who is doing a series of blog posts highlighting the awesomeness of others), and decided to choose an imaginary boyfriend that inspires and delights me.

He's not everyone's cup of tea looks-wise (but, then, who is everyone's cup of tea? Jude Law probably), but he is seriously awesome.

His name is Rob Dyrdek...

... and he has a lust for life that is staggering and inspiring.

He is a skateboarder, entrepreneur, multiple world record holder, pop star, actor, and star of the MTV reality shows Rob and Big, Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory, and Ridiculousness.

What I love about Rob is the way he approaches life... like it's one grand experiment/quest to find things to delight himself and others.  He lives with joy.  I think that is great.

He also loves dogs, mini horses, and tiny baby piglets.

He doesn't mind looking like idiot for a fun idea.

And he understands the importance of spontaneously breaking it down to a soulful ballad while going through a car wash.

When I'm struggling with anxiety about doing something... talking to a stranger, making a difficult phone call, or doing anything out of my ridiculously confining comfort zone... I try to think 'What Would Rob Do?'.

And the answer is that he would approach any situation with boundless enthusiasm and optimism.  He would treat it like his success was inevitable.  He would be relentless.  He would laugh at himself and carry on no matter what.

We all need to find some of the Rob in ourselves, and, if we can't do that, we can pretend he is our imaginary boyfriend, standing beside us to cheer us on.

Have fun today, kids.  The world is your oyster.

August 5, 2013

Waffle Christmas

I bet you didn't know today is the most important day in the whole waffle calendar!


It's also the day that I chose to eat less carbs for a week.  *Sad trombone*

I'll just have to rest easy in the knowledge that I've celebrated waffles pretty hard and thoroughly all year round, and in the meantime I'll think about the Patron Saint of Waffles (and one of my role models), Leslie Knope.

And always remember what Leslie says, "Waffles, friends, work".

And on a non-waffle related note, I think this essay called What Love Should Feel Like by Danielle Campoamor is wonderful.  Here's one of my favorite parts:

Love should feel like a marathon. It should exhilarate your heart and exhaust your mind and challenge your resolve. You’ll tell yourself you can’t keep going as you continue to put one foot in front of the other, taking every helpful and rejuvenating cup of water along the way. At the end, you’ll realize how many contributed to your happiness and success.

August 1, 2013

To All My Neighbors, You Got Much Flavor

Feeling a little down today for various intangible reasons.  I think I need to dance it out with a little impromptu internet dance party.

Join me, won't you?


Okay.  I feel a little better now.  How are you guys doing?

July 31, 2013


One of my main hobbies besides navel-gazing and talking about myself is vanity.  I devote a lot of time to all 3.

I swear to Glob if any of you are actually nodding your head and thinking 'yes... she is indeed very vain and self-involved'... well I'll just... i'll just... write about you in my diary.  HOW DARE YOU?

Seriously, though,  I spend an unsettling amount of time thinking about very shallow things.  I have a lot of flaws, and this is the most minor of them... so I haven't spent a lot of time correcting it.

What I have spent a lot of time doing is watching make up and hairstyling tutorials on YouTube!!

I thought I would share some of my absolute favorites.

My #1 A+ Gold Star Go-To for make up tutorials is world famous make up genius Lisa Eldridge.  I treat the video section of her website as my own personal face closet.  I browse it before getting ready for a social event the same way I do my actual closet to find an outfit. (Also I find her voice incredibly relaxing)

 Here are my absolute favorites:

1. Grown-up Girly - This is the perfectperfectperfect going out/date make up.  This is my absolute favorite out of all of her tutorials and the one I duplicate the most frequently.

2. Gold, Sparkly, Glittery, Glossy - This is the simplest, most awesome party make up.  Super terrific for holiday parties!  I love this one so hard... I wish I had a party to go to right now so I could wear this again.

3. Chocolate Berry - I love this one for fall.  So warm and slightly dramatic without looking overdone.

And now for hair tutorials!  My favorite hair tutorials are by the gals at Luxy Hair.  Unfortunately because this is a company that sells clip-in hair extensions, you kind of need somewhat long hair in order to make these tutorials useful.  I chose my curling wand because of their recommendation and I love it (it's the Cortex 4 in 1 Pro).  These ladies basically taught this clueless hair-haver how to curl and style my hair.  For going out I rotate one of these two looks.

1. Perfect Curls

2. Easy Everyday Waves

And that is the sum total of my hair styling abilities.

This morning I felt motivated so I decided to try out a tutorial for my Urban Decay Naked Palette.  I tried this one because it looked the least drag queen-y.  I have to say... it's a lot more eye shadow than I'm used to wearing to work, but I like it!  Maybe I should get all gussied up for work more often.

This is the tutorial I used:

Do you have any favorite tutorials you can recommend?

July 22, 2013

What's Right?

Mondays, for the most part, tend to be underwhelming.

So I think it's a good day to practice a little thankfulness.  What could it possibly hurt to identify a few things that are going pretty okay for you?

Here are some things I think are pretty cool today:

1. Rainstorms!
2. Beautiful full moon on my morning walk with Henry
3. Super nice co-workers that give you brownies for no reason at all
4. This recipe for slow-cooker "refried" beans... I make it about once a week.  So good. So cheap. Fat free!
5. The book The Energy of Prayer by Thich Nhat Hanh
6. This lush tuft of grass I saw growing on a pile of trash in the middle of the river. Perseverance and determination, you guys.

7. Cake
8. Still listening to 'Must Land Running' by Stepdad like a mental patient.

9. Knitting projects... Fall is so close! I can't wait to huddle around wood fires and eat pumpkin flavored everything.
10. Good people... just so many good people on this planet.  And I get to know so few of them, but they kill me with their love and kindness every single day.

July 15, 2013

Riotous Joy In Our Hearts

It's Monday and I'm thinking about all of the things I have to be thankful for in this batshit insane life of mine. Everyday I see things that make me excited about pushing forward.  I hope you do too.

I think we should all tell the naysayers of the Universe to stay pressed and go write about it in their diaries.

Now let's listen to happy music and dance like maniacs!!

1. Must Land Running by Stepdad

2. Bright Whites by Kishi Bashi

3. Tongue Tied by Grouplove

Also this gif set illustrates exactly what I'm like in real life:

July 12, 2013

Never Apologize For Being Human

Antilamentation by Dorianne Laux

Regret nothing. Not the cruel novels you read
to the end just to find out who killed the cook.
Not the insipid movies that made you cry in the dark,
in spite of your intelligence, your sophistication.
Not the lover you left quivering in a hotel parking lot,
the one you beat to the punchline, the door, or the one
who left you in your red dress and shoes, the ones
that crimped your toes, don’t regret those.
Not the nights you called god names and cursed
your mother, sunk like a dog in the living room couch,
chewing your nails and crushed by loneliness.
You were meant to inhale those smoky nights
over a bottle of flat beer, to sweep stuck onion rings
across the dirty restaurant floor, to wear the frayed
coat with its loose buttons, its pockets full of struck matches.
You’ve walked those streets a thousand times and still
you end up here. Regret none of it, not one
of the wasted days you wanted to know nothing,
when the lights from the carnival rides
were the only stars you believed in, loving them
for their uselessness, not wanting to be saved.
You’ve traveled this far on the back of every mistake,
ridden in dark-eyed and morose but calm as a house
after the TV set has been pitched out the upstairs
window. Harmless as a broken ax. Emptied
of expectation. Relax. Don’t bother remembering
any of it. Let’s stop here, under the lit sign
on the corner, and watch all the people walk by.

July 11, 2013

Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday... Another One Bites the Dust Edition

My longtime soccer boyf is going off the market this weekend.

That's right.  Little Xavi Shortpants is getting married to his girlfriend Nuria this weekend.

You guys, I don't know whether to laugh, cry, throw glitter in the air, or curl up in the fetal position.

I'm super happy for him, BUT I never thought I'd live to see the day.  I had him down in my book as a foreversingle just like me and now he's getting married and I just... I just... I just don't know about this.  I hate changes. I hate people growing up and being adults and doing adult things while I'm still back here living like a perpetual 13 year old.

It's the shits.

I bet he's going to look super hot in his wedding outfit.  I hope it looks something like this:

If I were a guest at the wedding, I would probably show up in something like this get-up:

In deep mourning, you guys.

July 10, 2013

Bits and Bats and Progress On a Major Life Goal

Have you guys seen the thing where adorable Brazilian children are politely correcting the grammar of celebrities' tweets in order to improve their own English?

Something about it makes me feel good about humanity.

I had a weird dream last night that I learned how to rock climb by climbing Devil's Tower in Wyoming.

And I was totally fine the entire time I was climbing.  Fearless.  Just slow strutting up the shear face of this thing.

And then I got to the top and looked down at what I had accomplished... the heights I had risen to... and that's when the paralyzing fear kicked in hard.  I was overwhelmed. I remember making a conscious decision to sit down and give myself some time to really come to terms with the accomplishment.  Something about not being able to undo what I had done (even though it was an amazing, powerful thing) was really difficult to process.  I could never again in my life say that I hadn't climbed a 1,300 foot extinct volcano.

I think there is something in that feeling.  Sometimes success and moving forward are scary just because it means a fundamental change in yourself.  Even if that change is good and even if your life looks more than ever like what you always dreamed it would look like, it's still a thing you have to fucking process and take time trying to get your claws around.  And that's okay.

This song is fucking killing me it's so awesome.  Just bury me in the ground with a boom box playing this on an infinite loop.

Major Lazer - You're No Good (featuring Santigold, Vybz Kartel, Danielle Haim, and Yasmin)

Seriously, you guys... SO GOOD.

And now for some veryveryvery serious business.

I'm sure you guys are aware of my lifelong quest for the mirror-like shine and gloss of Kyle Richards' hair.

I'm not saying I'm there yet, but some major progress has been made because of this product:

I used this for the first time last night and you guys... no seriously YOU GUYS... my hair is so shiny and soft today!  My little vain heart is singing with riotous joy... go buy it!

July 8, 2013

Let's Rave!

I think I need to designate a day of the week to really give a big shout out to everything awesome in my life.

I think it is so important in the midst of the daily negativity parade of life to stop and ask yourself 'What's right?'

So here are some things that are right in my world today:

1. A family that rallies around me in tough times.
2. A dog that cuddles me within an inch of my life.
3. A pretty cool cat named Walter.
4. Big, grand dreams that make me excited about my life.
5. An ability to stop and pull back and really care for myself.
6. Frustrating obstacles... because I know they exist for a reason.  Probably to teach me about patience.
7. Friends that make me laugh.
8. Waffles for dinner.
9. Making new friends.
10. Seeing evidence of answered prayers all around me.

I'm coming off a 4 day Fourth of July food bender of barbecued ribs, chicken, and homemade ice cream.  I saw nary a single firework.  It was a weird one this year, kids.

June 27, 2013

If You Do Just One Thing Today...

... please let it be going HERE and listening to the stupidly glorious mash up of Depeche Mode's Personal Jesus with Kanye's new song Black Skinhead called Personal Yeezus.

My face right now:

Jesus, Joseph, and doggy-style Mary.  Please play this at my funeral.

Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday... HE HAS RETURNED Edition

You guys, this sartorial motherfucker is officially back in action...

Pep has made his official debut as manager of Bayern Munich... oh the suit porn we have to look forward to this season!

I'm guessing Pep and Mario are watching precious Baby Manu doing something ridiculous in the above photo.... like chasing his own tail or getting a stomachache from eating too much Nutella.

So excited, you guys!!

June 18, 2013

Good Afternoon, Campers!

Hey, y'all!

Remember when I used to write things on here and pretend that people were reading those things?

Such a good time for everyone... right?

Well, I'm back to say something.  I don't know what that something is, but let's just see where we end up.

First of all, man oh man, has the last month and a half been intense.  To clarify, my definition of 'intense' is probably very different from most people's definition.  I think it's intense if I have to have my oil changed and buy groceries in the same day. Quel horreur!

Well it has been intense... just a lot of awesome things all thrown at me at once (and some not so awesome things but I've got my fingers crossed on those things working themselves out).

I know I've said it here before that I just really feel like in the past 6 months I am in the exact place I am meant to be... it's an intense feeling of knowing that your feet are traversing the correct path and that you are hitting every landmark and crossroads exactly when you are supposed to be.  It makes me feel kind of in love with the Universe in a very dopey, new age-y way that I have trouble expressing most of the time.

There is, however, a kind of terror that comes with this feeling though.  Because although I trust 100% that I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing and heading towards where I'm supposed to be heading I have no idea what/where that somewhere is.  It's actually crazy awesome once you get past the bed-wetting anxiety.

I imagine my face looks something like this most of the time:

So I realize I'm being super vague about what all of this "intense stuff" is, and it's really only because I have no idea what is going on... i'm just kind of along for the ride at this point and trying to enjoy it and not be too fixated on what the outcome will be. You know?

Suffice it to say that the world is a weird, wonderful place that will send you off on unexpected trajectories at  a moment's notice so you better just keep your chuck taylors laced on as tight as possible and try to keep a smile on your face because all indications point to you ending up somewhere you've always wanted to be.

And never be afraid of burning bridges.  Or being vulnerable. Or believing that you can have whatever you want.  Just never be afraid if you can manage it.

In other news I'm 10 lbs away from my goal weight (for a grand total of over 130 lbs lost over the course of 2 years).

You guys, weight loss is such a weird thing.  It takes so much time for your brain to catch up with your body (no matter how slowly you lose the weight).  I'm just now starting to see my physical self clearly... to not feel like a "fat" person.  It's a real mind fuck.  An awesome mind fuck, but still a very definite mind fuck.

In other other news, I'm going camping this weekend... like in a tent camping.  I haven't done this since I was probably 15 years old.  How will my 31 year old back fare sleeping on the hard-packed earth?  Probably terribly, but it'll still be great.

And, last of all, here's a song I'm listening to like a crazy person (in between listening to the leaked Kanye album):

Forever by Haim

May 31, 2013

For Mr. Whitman's Birthday...

From Song of the Open Road (emphasis mine)

From this hour I ordain myself loos’d of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master total and absolute,
Listening to others, considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently,but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.
I inhale great draughts of space,
The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are mine.

I am larger, better than I thought,
I did not know I held so much goodness.

All seems beautiful to me,
I can repeat over to men and women You have done such good to me I would do the same to you,
I will recruit for myself and you as I go,
I will scatter myself among men and women as I go,
I will toss a new gladness and roughness among them,
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
Whoever accepts me he or she shall be blessed and shall bless me.

May 14, 2013

Poetry, Motherfucker.... Do You Speak It?

I'm feelin' pretty sappy today.  Maybe because it's spring.  Maybe because it's beautiful and warm outside.  Maybe because sometimes you just feel sappy and in love even though you aren't actually in love?

Anyways... let's have some sappy poetry together and be in love with the theoretical possibility of love.

since feeling is first 
e.e. cummings

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
—the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for each other: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

Lawrence Raab

Years later they find themselves talking
about chances, moments when their lives
might have swerved off
for the smallest reason.
                              What if
I hadn’t phoned, he says, that morning?
What if you’d been out,
as you were when I tried three times
the night before?
                              Then she tells him a secret.
She’d been there all evening, and she knew
he was the one calling, which was why
she hadn’t answered.
                              Because she felt—
because she was certain—her life would change
if she picked up the phone, said hello,
said, I was just thinking
of you.
                              I was afraid,
she tells him. And in the morning
I also knew it was you, but I just
answered the phone
                             the way anyone
answers a phone when it starts to ring,
not thinking you have a choice.

Clementine von Radics

             I am not the first person you loved.
You are not the first person I looked at
with a mouthful of forevers. We
have both known loss like the sharp edge
of a knife. We have both lived with lips
more scar tissue than skin. Our love came
unannounced in the middle of the night.
Our love came when we’d given up
on asking love to come. I think
that has to be part
of its miracle.

            This is how we heal.
I will kiss you like forgiveness. You
will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms
will bandage and we will press promises
between us like flowers in a book.
I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat
on your skin. I will write novels to the scar
on your nose. I will write a dictionary
of all the words I have used trying
to describe the way it feels to have finally,
finally found you.

           And I will not be afraid
of your scars.

           I know sometimes
it’s still hard to let me see you
in all your cracked perfection,
but please know:
whether it’s the days you burn
more brilliant than the sun
or the nights you collapse into my lap
your body broken into a thousand questions,
you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I will love you when you are a still day.
I will love you when you are a hurricane.

May 7, 2013

Crushes: A History

Age 8 - Emilio Estevez as Billy the Kid in Young Guns 2

Age 11-13 - A kid in my grade (lets call him Kelso). One time in shop class he asked me about my book of Edgar Allen Poe’s poetry and I misinterpreted this to mean he was interested in poetry and had a poetic soul. Turns out he was just kinda dumb and really didn’t know who Edgar Allen Poe was.

Age 14-present - Jello Biafra and Graham Coxon

Age 15 - Joe. Joe was a senior and had an awesome tattoo on his calf. Sometimes he wore a kilt to school (this is the middle of nowhere in Kansas, mind you). He was really nice, and drove me home from school one day. I think he only did it because he was friends with my brother. I was silent during the entire ride.

Age 17 - Ben. I worked with Ben during the summer, and on his last day I didn’t say goodbye because I was too shy.

Age 21 - This 19 year old punk kid from Manchester on Livejournal. I have no idea what his name was, but he was definitely failing his college courses. He had a mohawk and the most kissable lips I’ve ever seen. I stalked his journal for 6 months, but never actually followed it because I was too shy.

Age now - No one. Well maybe this dude I saw at the Y a few weeks ago. He has red hair and a great beard. I call him Ginger Y, but I haven’t seen him but that once.

April 23, 2013

Have You Ever Gotten A Boner Over A Dragon?

Because I maybe did during this week's episode of Game of Thrones...

In other news, it's currently 36° outside on April 23rd.

And in other non-downer news, I ordered this set of Golden Girls note cards to frame (glitter frames possibly???)...


This shizz is deloycious...

This video made me happy yesterday...

And this song did too...

Have a great day, cool kids!

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