My Barca Boys

You know how there are things that you just love without having to think about it or try?

Things like:

- a slice of warm pie with vanilla ice cream

- re-runs of Designing Women

- watching someone fall down

- that first sip of ice-cold beer on a hot day

- the way wheat fields looks in May... all green and velvet-y

These are not acquired tastes.  You just love them... you savor them without even having to remind yourself to do so.


Well, that's how I feel about soccer.  That's how I feel about FC Barcelona soccer.

Someday, you guys.  I will be right smack dab in this middle
of these shenanigans.

So the thing is, if you met me in real life, I am not the kind of person you would meet and think 'I bet this girl is really passionately obsessed with sports and especially soccer.'  You just wouldn't.  You would probably more likely think 'I wonder how many cats she has, and should I tell her that her fly is down?'

But I am. I may be writing this right smack dab in the middle of Kansas, but I am no less a culé than if I were sitting right smack dab in the middle of that stadium in Barcelona.

Instead of trying to write a 20 page essay about Barca that no one in their right mind would ever try to read I will  simply highlight my two favorite people on the team.

First up is Xavi.

I'm convinced that if I ever made direct eye contact
with Xavi, I would instantly melt into a puddle of
strawberry jam and rainbows.

Xavi is just Xavi.  No last name necessary.  He is Il Maestro.  He is the heart and soul of the team.  I once read a quote from one of his teammates that the first thing any of them do when they get the ball is to find Xavi and pass the ball to him.  He is not a superstar in the sense that he rarely makes goals himself, but if a goal is scored by one of his teammates there is a 99% chance that it was scored from a pass that he set up.

It's really better to see him in action.

Also, one of his hobbies is mushroom-hunting.  So he is also a giant nerd, and you know how I feel about those in general.

My second favorite person at Barca is Pep Guardiola, the manager (coach).

Sometimes I think he looks like a more handsome, Spanish Karl Pilkington.

Pep is not only probably the greatest manager in Barcelona history, he is dapper as fuck.  We're talking Don Draper levels of dapperdom.  Epic.  And he's a Barcelona boy to the core.  Played there as a youth, played there as an adult, managed the B team, and then finally managed the main team.  And he's only 41 years old.

So this past Saturday was Pep's last game in Camp Nou (the Barcelona stadium) because he has decided to leave after the season ends in May.  You guys, it is for realsies breaking my heart to see him go.

So they won the game 4-0 which was awesome.

And then this happened:

It says "We love you, Pep!"

Por Los Aires

The entire team and staff dancing mid-pitch to Viva La Vida by Coldplay.

And I'm not kidding you, TEARS streaming down my face like a real asshole, you guys.

So now you know... although I'm 100% positive you were already pretty aware... I am a gigantic nerd/crazy person.

Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday... Yes We're Still Talking About This Show Edition

Well, I thought I might as well keep with the theme of my blog this week.  That theme being "Jess Is A Giant Idiot/Nerd".

So you can probably guess that my imaginary boyfriend is a character from Game of Thrones, but which one shall it be?

There are so many choices.

Robb Stark, King In My Pants the North.

I'm not even being ironic here... I think Samwell Tarly is fucking adorable.

Twincestual Jaime Lannister

The Dinklage? He can get it.

Well, I just couldn't decide. So I did what any sane person would do and asked my mom to choose.

Her verdict... only the cutest bastard in the whole wide world would due for her one and only daughter.

I'll just bet he does.

And to put it right over the top here is an excerpt from a recent interview:

"And lest you think they’ve become so famous they’ve forgotten where they came from, Harington had to whisper into his cell, “I’ll call you back, Mum,” before we got started."

Out of Control

My Game of Thrones Season 1 DVDs arrived yesterday, which means I stayed up way too damn late watching the special features.

Also, I am on the verge of ordering a bracelet like this:

Source.

That says "You know nothing, Jon Snow" instead of "Winter is coming".

Because I have apparently lost my goddamn mind.

But, you know what, you guys?  Only 4 more sleeps until the King In My Pants the North returns! Huzzah!

Oh... hi, Robb.

Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday... Big and Scottish Edition

Have we talked about how much I lovelovelove Game of Thrones?

It's true.  I'm a big ol' nerd for it.  It tickles the same nerd fancy Lord of the Rings does.  My big, epic, swash-buckling, nerd fancy just can't help itself.  Put some dudes in armor and have them fight to the death over a ring or a throne or a dragon egg, and I will ride or die.

So I was working and, you know, minding my own business, and thinking about Game of Thrones, and thinking specifically about my most favoritest character, Sandor Clegane...

Okay... Sandor's face is scarred because his older brother, this asshole named  Gregor, held his head in a fire when they were younger and now he is scared of fire.  He wears a helmet that looks like a dog's head and his nickname is "The Hound".  He is amazeballs.

...and then I was thinking about the actor that plays Sandor...

Rory McCann. You guys, he was a fucking lumberjack. For realsies 

...and then I was thinking about how tall and big and Scottish he is (6'6" you guys!)... and I thought "I could just climb him like a tree."  And then I Google image searched him and found that someone had already made this:

So thank you to whoever you are!  We just experienced a Rory McCann-sponsored mind meld!  We are spirit animals and probably best friends! We could braid each other's hair and write love letters to Rory while listening to Jodeci!

But eventually I will murder you in your sleep because, bitch, he's mine.

First Five! A Confession! And A Spirit Animal!

Well I woke up this morning with Rebecca Black's Friday stuck in my head with no idea how it even got there.

But I guess that's cosmic payment for the terrible thing I did last night.

What did I do?  Weeeell... I may have downloaded something for my iPod that pretty much trumps every other awful thing I've ever downloaded.

And, you guys, I have a Ke$ha song on my iPod... and more Flo Rida than any one person has a right to own... so that's really saying something.

Okay... here goes.  Last night I downloaded this:

I know. The entire thing is on my iPod right now.

Here's the thing, though... just look at that track list!  With the exception of Christina Perri and Bruno Mars, it's pretty awesome.  And you can only get most of the songs (besides the Christina Perri and Bruno Mars) by downloading the entire GD thing.  So I did it. So there.

Okay... let's see if my iPod can palate cleanse this Rebecca Black situation away.

1. Pot Kettle Black - Tilly and the Wall

2. The Trolley Song (from Meet Me In St. Louis) - Judy Garland

3. It's Oh So Quiet - Björk

4. Nasty - Janet Jackson

5. Candyman - Christina Aguilera

Whoa, Mr iPod Man... you just blew it out of the park today.

And this photo I found on the internet machine is blowing it out of the park at pretty much explaining my entire existence.

Have a great Friday, kids! Fun Fun Fun Fun.

The Captain and I

Do not be deceived by this photo.  You are not looking at this year's top grossing real estate team.  What you are looking at are two diabolical, scheming stalkers.


What happened is that one day Kristine, my sister in law, and I were sitting quietly together reading scented, glossy magazines in a tucked away corner of the ship just happily minding our own business (but probably gossiping about our fellow passengers) when who should walk by us in his fancy schmancy uniform?

Capitano Stefano, of course. (That's Captain Stefano to the non-Italian speakers... I hope you picked up on the condescending tone in that)

We tracked him down to a conference room where he was performing a wedding ceremony (what a weird, old-fashioned tradition, by the way), sneaked back to our seats, and waited patiently.  It wasn't too much longer until he passed us by again, and I made sure to make eye contact and say 'hello'.

And, you guys, he actually winked at me.

Apparently that is all it takes to put me into Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction mode.

Here is the photo evidence of what transpired as a result of this one miniscule chance encounter and my slow descent into madness:

This is a sneaky stalker photo of the Captain's arm and his cute white pants as he walked past us minding his own business on the way to dinner.

 

Here is a sneaky stalker photo of me with the Captain (circled in red). Please note the skeptical look on my face.

Here is an incredibly creepy photo Kristine took of herself with Captain  outside of the  steakhouse.

This is me posing with what we decided, for what reason no one will ever know, was the Captain's favorite painting.

And, finally, this is me writing poetry to the sea... probably about the Captain.

The verdict:  We are giant fucking weirdos and we will probably be receiving a letter in the mail informing us that we are banned from all Carnival ships forthwith.


Also, here is an extra special bonus stalker photo of Aleksandar making toast... in case you were doubting our (mostly Kristine's) supreme stalking abilities.

So there you have it... NEWS FLASH! I am ridiculous, but I think most people had that figured out a long time ago, and, to be honest, I'm kind of proud to say I'm 30 and I behave far more ridiculously now than I ever did at age 14. So there.


Stay tuned for a bonus Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday post later today!

Not A Music Snob

I realize I blog way too much about my iPod, but it's pretty much what keeps me fired up while kicking ass and taking names at work.  Also while filing and sorting paperwork.  Whichever comes first.

I listen to a lot of dumb music... like a lot.  I'm not picky.  If I like it, I like it and that's all the justification I need to play it at top volume until my and everyone else's ears bleed.  However, I recognize to some these might be considered lame, but since I've already embraced my inability to be in any way "cool" it's pretty easy to own how much I love these songs.

And so I've chosen the  top 5 embarrassing songs on my iPod (in no particular order).

1. Peter Cetera - The Glory of Love

You guys,  it's from the Karate Kid II soundtrack, so there is no way anyone of a certain generation could ever dislike this song.

2. Phil Collins - Against All Odds

3. Pussycat Dolls - When I Grow Up

You guys, this one is truly atrocious.  I think most of the time I do not even really pay attention to song lyrics... so long as a song has a kicky beat, iTunes makes $1.29 off of me.  The Pussycat dolls should be paying ME to listen to this horseshit.

4. Ke$ha - Tik Tok

Okay... I am definitely owed $1.29 on this one... I'm not even going to try to justify it.

5. ABC - The Look of Love, Part I

ABC is one of my favorite bands from the 80s. Imagine if David Bowie had decided to make a pop/disco musical in a gold tuxedo... and don't forget the leiderhosen!  Their videos are pretty much the best things ever.  Check out 'Poison Arrow' too!

So that's the most embarrassing stuff on my iPod... excluding the 20 to 30 Britney Spears and Fergie songs I own.

You're Cordially Invited Again...

In addition to my annual fabulous Christmas Eve party, when I'm indecently wealthy I plan on hosting an over the top birthday party for myself every year.

My birthday is January 6th which means that I will have a lot of party planning all crammed up together. But I'm pretty sure when you're rich planning self-centered parties becomes your hobby and job... your JOBBY, if you will.

This year's theme is White... as in winter. It's not racist, you guys.

I just wanted to emulate one of my personal heroes of wealth and excess: P. Diddy.

Source.

And so... "Welcome, dahlings, to my humble ski chalet!"

Both images from Pinterest.

Grab yourself a white or black russian popsicle:

Source.

Or a glass of champagne from my champagne pyramid!

You're always so sweet to pretend to care what I'm wearing!  Just an absolute doll!

It's just some old used white dress I found.

BOOM. FULL ANGELIC 70s DIOR MODE ENGAGED.

Source.

I'm sure you've been introduced before, but please let me present you to my husband again.

Source.

I have no idea why he has so much trouble getting his tuxedo on!

You know I would just absolutely die before I would brag, but he got me the most darling thing for my birthday!

Source.

I don't even know how to ride a horse!

Well, anyways, I'm just so absolutely thrilled you could make it to my little ol' birthday party!  Please enjoy yourself and don't forget to grab a party favor on the way out!

Source.

Limit one per guest, please.

Back From the Wilderness

Hey Kids! I'm back from doing whatever it is my family does at Christmas time (mostly hibernating in the middle of nowhere in Kansas... which is a whole new degree of middle of nowhere that most people from other parts of the country would find terrifying).

So anyways, going to this middle of nowhere place my family spends Christmas meant that I had to give up using the internet machine for almost 5 DAYS... it was just awful.

So these are the things I've been doing that I couldn't tell strangers on the internet about, and really... what is the point in doing anything if you can't do that?

1. Eating lasagna... which I also made because I am magic and can do magic things like that.

2. Eating blueberry pie with vanilla ice cream to cut the sweetness.

3. Spending my windfall on the only things you're allowed to spend lottery money on: shoes and costume jewelry.

4. Watching old movies and re-runs of Wings (but that's pretty much an average Tuesday).

5. Learning lots of important facts like what an 'egg addler' does and the history of Esperanto from my brand new Uncle John's Bathroom Reader.  You guys, I love these books... it feeds my addiction for useless facts and trivia, but here's a fact: I pretty much never read them in the bathroom.  I'm much too sophisticated to do something that obvious.  I might as well wear the t-shirt of the band I'm seeing in concert to the concert. Bourgeois to the max.

Genius At Work

This is what I did yesterday while being a bitch on the phone:

It's a picture of me and Christoph Waltz holding hands and eating ice cream cones.

In a Park.

The park is in a big city (see the skyscrapers in the background), but... wait! It's Paris! See the Eiffel Tour (the big black A on the horizon)!  Wow!!

How charming!

Also my dog Henry is with us, and he doesn't even need a leash because he is so well trained!

And I'm wearing high heels and they don't even hurt my feet a little bit! Look at my tiny waist!

I'm eating mint chocolate chip ice cream, and Christoph is having some weird Austrian flavor I've never even heard of.

You can tell how happy I am because I'm smiling, Christoph is so happy too, but it's hard to tell sometimes because he's Austrian.

We had a really good day together in the park, and then we went home to our cabin and watched Designing Women re-runs and made crafts with popsicle sticks and yarn.

What a great guy!

First Five

We're doing this again, because fuckfuckfuckityfuck I'm busy. Why do these people think I should be working when i'm at work!?  What a grand gang of assholes.

Kidding, of course.  I love my job... especially the paycheck part.

So the game is that these are the first five songs that came up on my iPod this morning... presented with as little commentary or explanation as possible.

I know... it's kind of lame, but it's all I've got right now.  Deal with it, mother truckers.

1. JJ Jackson - But It's Alright

2. Graham Coxon - Bittersweet Bundle of Misery

3. The King's Singers - Annie Laurie

 I couldn't find the version by The King's Singers on YouTube, but this is similar.

4. Duke Ellington - It Don't Mean A Thing (If It Ain't Got That Swing)

5. The Ting Tings - Great DJ

Once again... this exercise has accurately depicted what a total and absolute nerd I am.  I mean... Annie Laurie sung by a choir??  Am I 72 years old?

Well I must run...I have some reruns of Matlock to watch while eating Werther's Originals.

Check you later, pals!

Spinderella, Cut It Up One Time. Mmhmm.

Still obnoxiously busy... still convinced adulthood is a giant crock.

These are the first five songs that came up on my iPod this morning presented with as little commentary or explanation as possible.

1. The Chiffons - Dream, Dream, Dream

(Note: Okay this video is atrocious, but it's the only one I could find for this song.  This artwork looks like something Christopher Walken's 'The Continental' character from SNL would have in his apartment.  My personal favorite is the painting of the topless woman erupting from a volcano!)

2. They Might Be Giants - Spiraling Shape

3. Lady Gaga (featuring Beyonce) - Telephone

4. The Jam - News of the World

5. Salt N Pepa - Let's Talk About Sex

And you know what, this exercise has done a better job of explaining me than any amount of writing about myself could ever accomplish.

Folks, have a great weekend!

It's Christmas TV Episode Time!

Some of my very most favoritest things to watch at Christmas time are Christmas episodes of my favorite TV shows.

Here are some I highly recommend.

1 The Office (the UK version starring Ricky Gervais)

This is a two-part special that was filmed as a sort of epilogue to the original series.  It is balls out AMAZING.  Beware fans of the US version of The Office, watching this will ruin Jim and Pam's love story.  They are bullshit compared to the seething Victorian melodrama of Tim Canterbury and Dawn Tinsley.

After you watch this the song 'Only You' by Yaz will become a Christmas song even though it isn't.

2. Wings - A Terminal Christmas (Season 1)

To be honest, I just picked the Christmas episode from the first season to make it easy.  I love the show Wings.  I own it on DVD... all of them, every season.  I might be the only person in the world to own every episode ever made of Wings.  I hope not, but there is a strong possibility that I am. And I'm becoming okay with that.

3. A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All!

Stephen Colbert filmed a Christmas special for The Colbert Report and released it on DVD... and it is just so stupid... so stupid and so funny.

4. Seinfeld - The Strike

In my family this is the king of "Christmas" episodes... and it's not even a Christmas episode.  This is the episode of Seinfeld where we all learned about the holiday of Festivus.  And the world was never the same again.

Handwriting Analysis