What's Ripe to Rot?

I read Rob Brezsny's horoscopes every week like it is my religion.  I know horoscopes and astrology aren't for everyone, but I think anyone with open, curious mind can benefit from reading his thought-provoking advice every week.

For instance, here is mine (Capricorn):

"The person who can't visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot," said the founder of Surrealism, writer André Breton. I wouldn't go so far as to call such an imagination-deprived soul an "idiot," but I do agree with the gist of his declaration. One of the essential facets of intelligence is the ability to conjure up vivid and creative images in one's mind. When daily life has grown a bit staid or stuck or overly serious, this skill becomes even more crucial. Now is one of those times for you, Capricorn. If you have any trouble visualizing a horse galloping on a tomato, take measures to boost the fertility of your imagination.

These are not your average run of the mill "you will meet a dark stranger" horoscopes.  They ask you to think deeply about yourself and to try something different.  I think anyone can benefit from that.

I look forward to reading his newsletter every week because it always contains some other tidbit (besides the horoscopes) that stop me right in my damn tracks.  This week it was this:

"Don't eat any food that's incapable of rotting," says Michael Pollan in  his book *In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto.* In other words, highly processed foods with a long shelf life don't contribute to your optimum vitality.  I'd like to expand this rule to make it an all-purpose guideline for life. Try out this hypothesis: If you're involved with any person or situation that never decays, or if there is some part of you that never decays, that's 

highly suspicious and may be a problem. Like growth, rot is a natural 

phenomenon. Indeed, every advancement requires or brings the disintegration of whatever it replaces. You can't grow if you don't rot. The "perfection" of stasis can be hazardous to your health.

What's ripe to rot in your world?

A couple of people have recently made comments (jokingly, but maybe 50% seriously) that although they admire my optimism about life it also bothers them (or annoys them possibly?)  My first reaction was 'What a strange reaction to someone trying to be happy?'

But then I thought 'Yeah, but who wouldn't be annoyed by someone who acts like sunshine and rainbows shoot out of their asshole 24 hours a goddamn day?'

I know I would.

So it's time for an honesty check.

SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS DO NOT SHOOT OUT OF MY ASSHOLE 24 HOURS A DAY.

Yeah I might spend a lot of time going full hippy dippy spiritual around here, but, believe it or not, I do not do kundalini yoga vision quests to the surface of the moon while wearing a flower crown and eating tempeh tacos most of the time.

But I bet he does.

I am not happy all of the time.  I go through incredibly shitty days, weeks, months, and years (let's not talk about calendar years 2009-2010).  I deal with mild depression, anxiety, social anxiety, introversion, and low self-esteem on a daily basis.

The last two weeks have not been fun for me.  I have been hurting.  I have been struggling.  I feel lonely and isolated and just burdened by a thousand little problems that won't seem to sort themselves out no matter what solution I throw at them.

But here is what I do know and what I carry around with me at all times: a deep and abiding belief that life has a cycle of its own design, that everything absolutely does work out for the best, that happiness will always be found, that the Universe is a deeply good place, that human beings are perfectly imperfect, and that just because something isn't working out right now doesn't mean that it never will.

My happiness right now is just a set of lost keys. I've turned over every sofa cushion, retraced every step, searched through every garbage can, torn apart my car, and what I've determined is this:  sometimes your happiness is found in being sad, in standing still and just letting yourself live through the process.  If everything in life is a lesson, then sometimes the universe sends us sadness for a reason.  It doesn't last.  What truly excites me is that I know when it seems like nothing is happening, EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING.  Everything is simmering underneath the placid surface of my life right now.

I don't understand how that couldn't put a little kick in anyone's step.  I'm living on the verge of something wonderful.  That's some cool shit.

So, yes, I rot sometimes. And I try to embrace it because I know the next cycle of joy in my life can't start until I do.

It Beats The Darkness

Good Afternoon, Campers!

Hey, y'all!

Remember when I used to write things on here and pretend that people were reading those things?

Such a good time for everyone... right?

Well, I'm back to say something.  I don't know what that something is, but let's just see where we end up.

First of all, man oh man, has the last month and a half been intense.  To clarify, my definition of 'intense' is probably very different from most people's definition.  I think it's intense if I have to have my oil changed and buy groceries in the same day. Quel horreur!

Well it has been intense... just a lot of awesome things all thrown at me at once (and some not so awesome things but I've got my fingers crossed on those things working themselves out).

I know I've said it here before that I just really feel like in the past 6 months I am in the exact place I am meant to be... it's an intense feeling of knowing that your feet are traversing the correct path and that you are hitting every landmark and crossroads exactly when you are supposed to be.  It makes me feel kind of in love with the Universe in a very dopey, new age-y way that I have trouble expressing most of the time.

There is, however, a kind of terror that comes with this feeling though.  Because although I trust 100% that I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing and heading towards where I'm supposed to be heading I have no idea what/where that somewhere is.  It's actually crazy awesome once you get past the bed-wetting anxiety.

I imagine my face looks something like this most of the time:

So I realize I'm being super vague about what all of this "intense stuff" is, and it's really only because I have no idea what is going on... i'm just kind of along for the ride at this point and trying to enjoy it and not be too fixated on what the outcome will be. You know?

Suffice it to say that the world is a weird, wonderful place that will send you off on unexpected trajectories at  a moment's notice so you better just keep your chuck taylors laced on as tight as possible and try to keep a smile on your face because all indications point to you ending up somewhere you've always wanted to be.

And never be afraid of burning bridges.  Or being vulnerable. Or believing that you can have whatever you want.  Just never be afraid if you can manage it.

In other news I'm 10 lbs away from my goal weight (for a grand total of over 130 lbs lost over the course of 2 years).

You guys, weight loss is such a weird thing.  It takes so much time for your brain to catch up with your body (no matter how slowly you lose the weight).  I'm just now starting to see my physical self clearly... to not feel like a "fat" person.  It's a real mind fuck.  An awesome mind fuck, but still a very definite mind fuck.


In other other news, I'm going camping this weekend... like in a tent camping.  I haven't done this since I was probably 15 years old.  How will my 31 year old back fare sleeping on the hard-packed earth?  Probably terribly, but it'll still be great.

And, last of all, here's a song I'm listening to like a crazy person (in between listening to the leaked Kanye album):

Forever by Haim

In the Movie Version of My Life

I think I'm in a period of my life I like to call 'movie-montaging'.

Like those scenes in movies that usually start right after the main character has hit some sort of rock-bottom, and the inspirational music kicks in...

And they start slowly pulling their fragmented life together.

Cleaning the booze out of their refrigerator.

Watering their nearly dead houseplants.

Learning to read.

Jogging through snow with logs on their back.

And at first they suck, but as the music crescendos, they turn a corner and suddenly they're doing 17,000 one-armed push ups and getting hired for their dream job.

I'm pretty sure that's what I'm supposed to be doing right now.  Because although there is nothing concretely awesome on the horizon, I feel pretty confident there will be so imma sit tight and do oblique crunches until it arrives.

Not Directly Translatable

You know those lists of words that circulate various social media websites?  The ones that supposedly don't directly translate to an English equivalent?

I personally love them.  Here are some of my favorites:


Mamihlapinatapai (Yaghan): A look shared by two people, each wishing that the other will offer something that they both desire but are unwilling to suggest or offer themselves.

Pena ajena (Mexican Spanish): The embarrassment you feel watching someone else’s humiliation.

Culacino (Italian): The water mark left on a table from a cold glass.

El sbarlusega (Italian): Literally "the shining". A Venetian word for the reflections of water on buildings or ceilings.



 But here are some other things I thought of that may or may not have words in other languages, but definitely should.

• There should be a word for a mediocre day that follows a really great day.  It should encompass the feeling that your day was terrible even though you know it wasn't; it just couldn't live up to the euphoria of the previous day. 

• There should be a word for that moment when you know your friend is thinking the same dirty, inappropriate thing that you are, and you have to avoid making eye contact with them so you don't start laughing.

• There should be a word for the anxiety you feel watching nature documentaries knowing at any moment something tragic and heartbreaking is going to happen.

• There should be a word for the warmth you feel when you remember a summer day in the middle of winter.

• There should be a word for when you almost have yourself convinced you don't really like someone you know you shouldn't like, but actually you still do.

• There should be a word for the effort it takes not to roll your eyes or sneer when dealing with a particularly obnoxious co-worker.

• There should be a word for the very first sip of cold beer on a really hot day.

• There should be a word for the way reading or listening to or looking at some things hollows you out and leaves you breathless for at least 15 seconds... oh wait... there is (well a phrase anyways).

• There ought to be a word for standing in front of a painting and not being able to resist the urge to touch it even though you are in a museum and will definitely be thrown out if you are caught.

Now tell me some of your own.

Weekend Things and Such

1. This weekend I ran.  I was not being chased.  I voluntarily chose to run on my Sunday morning walk.  At times I even sprinted.  I don't even know myself anymore.

2. SOCCER.  A lot of it it.  My brain is going to explode with soccer and happiness.

3. Pineapple.  You guys, I legitimately ate an entire pineapple this weekend.

4. I still can't believe Game of Thrones is over for almost another year. My Sunday night feels empty.

5. My nominee for "Hottest Player At Euro That I Didn't Previously Know or Give A Shit About" goes to this guy:

Simon Kjaer from Denmark.

6. This award will most likely change many, many times over the next month.

7. Skyscrapers by Demi Lovato is a song that can make me cry.  Also Nessun Dorma from Turandot performed by anyone.  I was not always like this, but over the years I have become a crier. It's obnoxious.

Also I'm a really ugly crier.

8. I woke up this morning thinking 'holy shit I can't believe it's only Tuesday'.  Ugh.

9. Passion fruit yogurt is a terrible idea.  It feels like you're eating yogurt that has dead roly-polys in it it. Ugh.

10. I feel like this list should end on number 10. So I'm just going to say that this is still making me laugh to an unhealthy degree:

Impslapped

My Super-Intelligent Thoughts re: Last Night's Episode of Game of Thrones

1. SAMWELL... he gave Gilly his mom's thimble. He is my a precious darling.

2. Jon Snow's hair after his scuffle with Craster made me laugh.  He seems like he would be very vain about his hair.  He was probably more upset about his hair being messed up than the cuts on his face.  I guarantee it.

3. Tyrion.  Holy shit TYRION.  Like a fucking boss.  He should totes be king. Also Tyrion and Bronn are my favorite bromance of all time.

I wish this were a real spinoff.  I would watch it so hard.

4. No King in My Pants The North AGAIN this week.  Bummer summer.

5. Best line of the entire series thus far : "These are the knights of summer and winter is coming." Chills.

6. I wanted to hate Margaery Tyrell mostly because I'm not a ginormous fan of Natalie Dormer (it's her mouth or something... I don't know), but I kind of dig her.  Girl sure does love to rock a low cut bodice.

7. Shae kind of annoys me.  The Dinklage could do better.

8. Oh Theon.... nononononoNO.  The scene when he burned the letter was ridiculously beautifully filmed though.

9. Slow clap for Arya Stark for being a BAMF.

10. I already miss Yoren.

Tales of Infanticide and Incest

That's the alternative title I came up with for Game of Thrones.  Here are some more highly intuitive thoughts about last night's episode:

- I almost felt sorry for Theon.  ALMOST. And then he told that poor, dumb girl to smile with her mouth closed.

- From now on I will only be paying the iron price for everything. Grocery shopping is going to be tres interessant this week.

- I want to make Samwell Tarly a heaping plate of pancakes for just being so darn cute.

Look at his little face! It kills me!

- I mean, seriously, it was like a parade of adorable Samwell last night. He wanted to try to deliver Gilly's baby because he had "read about it a bit"...  no doubt on WebMD.

- Gendry and Arya. GENDRY AND ARYA!  I love their banter. So cute!

- Jaqen!! Very excited for Jaqen.  VERY.

Source.

- And once again The Dinklage brought it hardcore with the witticisms and clever clark one-liners. Like a boss... every episode.