December 21, 2012

A Winter Solstice Miracle!

Okay... it's not quite the same as last year's Festivus Miracle, but it's better than a kick in the ass.

2 whole dollars just for me, kids!!

December 20, 2012

What I've Been...

Raging over:

- losing and gaining the same 3 lbs for the past two months. I don't even want to talk about it.

- the sign in the window of my co-workers car that says 'Mother-To-Be On Board' as though she were some kind of precious snowflake we should coddle and protect just because she had unprotected sex.

- the fact that a photographer shoved his camera up in Anne Hathaway's business and she was asked to explain on television why she chose not to wear underwear.

- babies that should be with their families, but aren't because... well I don't think we even know why, but they aren't and I can't say anything that hasn't already been said by much more eloquent and intelligent people but I think Michael Moore makes an excellent point.

I hope you don’t mind, but I’d like to just say a few words about what happened today, because I’ve been concerned about this issue for a long time. Yes, we need more gun control. Yes, we need free mental health services in this country. But I really believe that even if we had better gun control laws and better mental health, that we would still be the sort of sick and twisted, violent people that we’ve been for hundreds of years, that it’s something that’s just in our craw, just in our DNA. And to get that out of our DNA is going to take a lot more than passing a bill in Albany or D.C. That’s not going to do it.And, you know, other countries, I mean, they have their crazy people, and they have people that—there have been shootings and killings in Norway, in France and in Germany. But there haven’t been 61 mass killings like there have been in this country just since Columbine. Sixty-one mass shootings in this country. I like to say that I sort of agree with the NRA when they say, "Guns don’t kill people, people kill people," except I would just modify that a bit and say, "Guns don’t kill people, Americans kill people," because that’s what we do. We invade countries. We send drones in to kill civilians. We’ve got five wars going on right now where our soldiers are killing people—I mean, five that we know of. We are on the short list of illustrious countries who have the death penalty. We believe it’s OK to kill you when you’ve committed a crime.

Fawning over:

- pictures of precious baby deer Mesut Özil wearing a cardigan and looking like a bored 8 year old at a banquet.

- every interview Martin Freeman has done while promoting The Hobbit.

- Joe Gilgun

December 7, 2012

Cruise Talk!

It's getting close, you guys!  Another January and another cruise!!

My sister in law Kristine and I are leaving on a cruise to St. Thomas, Tortola, Antigua, and The Bahamas in the middle of January and I fucking cannot wait.

We finalized our flights, excursions and our hotel in Miami for the night before the cruise departs last Saturday.

We're staying  at this super cute hotel in one of those sherbet-colored art deco buildings in South Beach.

Hotel Shelley
So since this time we have to fly to our departure city instead of driving (the ship left out of Galveston, TX last time)  I am definitely going to have to pare down my packing list to essentials.  Which means I can't coordinate a different shoe for each dinner outfit.  And also I can't bring a different dress for each night of the cruise.  Bummer Summer.

BUT... I am 50 lbs lighter than I was last time, and I get to buy some super cute new clothes for the trip! Huzzah!!!

Champagne for everyone!

There will be two fancy evenings on the ship.  These are the outfits I have planned.  Same dress and shoes, different jewelry.

I have a pair of cheap rhinestone stud earrings to wear with both,
but I can't find a good dupe for them on Polyvore.

In addition to using the same dress and shoes for two nights, I'm planning on relying pretty heavily on the same basic cosmetic items instead of packing all of my eyeshadow palettes because I might maybe who knows want to wear a blue eyeshadow on a whim because I know I never will and it's a giant waste of precious suitcase space.

Here are my essentials:

With these and a few eyeliner pencils I should be able to paint my face to perfection every night.

On the last trip, I painted my nails black for the entire trip and just kept adding coats of polish to cover the chips.  It worked great!  And I think black nails looks super chic when they are nicely done.  My favorite black polish is from Avon and it's called Warm Black.  I think it might be discontinued which is sad because it flows onto the nail so well.  So it looks like I need to start hoarding that one.

Okay... so this has been a post about absolutely nothing, but I've enjoyed it because I am seriously so excited about this trip.  Bless your heart if you read this entire thing... you're a real trooper.

November 29, 2012

Things and Such

1. Online Dating

You guys... maybe I'm just not cut out for this... or, at least, not right now.  I just have no enthusiasm for the idea of dating someone or meeting anyone.  I feel like I'm trying to force myself to care about something I have no interest in caring about.  I have the exact same attitude about watching Homeland.

2. Songza

I generally hate it when people recommend apps, but I'm super hooked on this one.  This app is a collection of playlists curated by experts, and it has a concierge feature that helps you find a playlist based on the time and day of the week.  It's awesome.  I've got a whole new list of songs I need to download, so it's also turning out to be a pretty expensive free app.  But since I'm alone and probably always will be, I might as well buy Christmas presents for myself.

3. Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday

Since I'm going to die alone, I might as well continue choosing imaginary boyfriends. Today I choose a random Irish writer/director/actor named Peter McDonald who I stumbled across this week while reading  news stories about Andrew Scott.  I think he's precious... and talented... and Irish... and I want to make him pancakes.

He's in a really funny show called Moone Boy with Chris O'Dowd.  You should check that out as well as his Oscar nominated short film Pentecost.  All quality stuff.

4.   Nothing From Nothing - Billy Preston

... is an amazing song that doesn't get the recognition and radio play it deserves.  It'll put a little kick in your step on a cold Thursday morning.

5. I laughed at this photo of Lenny Kravitz for 30 minutes straight yesterday.

Have a ridiculously good day, kids!

November 14, 2012

My Battle Against Impending Spinsterhood

So the big announcement is...


And, you guys, I hate it.  It's the worst.  I just don't understand anything that is going on.

And that's not just the dating website... that's just in life, like in general, I have no idea what the fuck is going on ever.

So over the weekend I made my mom take some cheesecake photos of me because, other big announcement, I have lost 100 lbs, and I had zero photos of myself not looking like a zeppelin.

(Side note:  I'll post a few of the photos later. There is one in particular that is a gem that I think I should share, but I forgot to email them to myself)

And, you guys, I don't know what I expected.  I don't know if I have incredibly high standards, or if the pickins' are just super slim around these parts, but every guy that has contacted me seems like a serial killer, a broseph, or a total schmo.  I mean, I realize this is real life and not an adorable romantic comedy starring Reese Witherspoon and Tom Hardy, but jeez louise...  is there no one out there that likes the same weird shit I like and can simultaneously rock a fucking suit? Or how about just a guy that doesn't have a photo of himself wearing fucking Oakley sunglasses?  Jesus H. Christ.

Am I going to die "fat and alone, and be found three weeks later half-eaten by Alsatiens (or pugs)"?

And if I am, can I just figure out how to be okay with that?

I don't know... it's been three days and I'm feeling totes discouraged.

Also, I'm still living at home right now, and I feel like any quality dude is going to find that weird.  I'm moving back out on my own in the spring, but in the mean time I feel weird about having to address all of the debbie downer reasons I moved back home in the first place.  Thoughts?

Help me, I'm poor in social skills.

November 13, 2012

What I've Been Reading... An Addendum To Yesterday's Post

Okay... so I maybe lied about posting something about online dating today.  TOMORROW.  I swear.  It's just that work is a giant shit-fest today and it's preventing me from doing things that really matter like blogging about my personal life.  Jeez, work... way to suck a bag of dicks.

So I forgot to add these awesome Agatha Christie-esque mystery novels that I've been reading to my list of "What I've been...".  I'm super in like with them, you guys.

There are lots more in the series, but these are the two I have read so far.

Okay. So these are both from the Daisy Dalrymple Series by Carola Dunn, and they WILL NOT change your life or make you think deep thoughts.  But, nonetheless, they are super fun to read and were a kind of needed palette cleanser after my summer-long Song of Ice and Fire reading bonanza.  They are the perfect books for a cold day, some cozy socks, and a nice hot cup of coffee/tea/cocoa/whiskey.  Basically, these are the book equivalent of an International Coffees commercial.

So Daisy, the main character, is an upper class English girl who is declaring her female-proud independence in the 1920s by supporting herself as a writer for Town and Country magazine. For her job as a writer she goes to various estates/castles/what-have-you to do profiles of the houses and take pretty pictures.  But, of course, while she is there someone gets murdered or a body is found.  She along with her Men Friday (specifically Chief Inspector Alec Fletcher) solve said mystery.  It's a simple, fun formula.  And, of course, there is a nice romantic subplot for Daisy and Alec.

So in my mind I've cast Felicity Jones as Daisy:

And the uber-yummy Matthew Macfadyen as Alec:

Good good stuff.

November 12, 2012

What I Am...

Just a quick post before a meatier post about *GASP* online dating tomorrow.  But here's what I've been up to lately.

Listening to:

"Ladies, if you love your man show him you the flyest. Grind up on him, girl. Show him how you ride it." is like the greatest piece of wisdom I've ever heard in a pop song.  Beyoncé knows what's up, you guys.


And because of it I am crushing on:

Joseph Gilgun. Holla.


Wishing I were eating:

Banofee pie.
And thinking about:

November 8, 2012

An Imaginary Boyfriend and A Playlist

Currently lusting after...

Idris Elba... who directed and starred in the new Mumford and Sons music video for Lover of the Light.

And, you guys, if you have a weird (possibly creepy) obsession with men's hands, this is basically pornography.  Just straight up pornography. Yowza.

Currently listening to....

I made a playlist for myself called 'Slow Strut' because it makes me feel like a fucking HBIC even when I'm just filing paperwork.  I love it.  (Side note: A lot of these songs are incredibly not safe for delicate ears and sensibilities)

Track list:
1. Bad Girls (Switch Remix) (featuring Missy Elliott and Rye Rye) - MIA

2. You Be Killin Em - Fabolous

3. Y.U. MAD (featuring Nicki Minaj and Lil Wayne) - Birdman

4. Run the World (Girls) - Beyoncé

5. Did It On 'Em - Nicki Minaj

6. Dirt Off Your Shoulder - Jay-Z

7. Creator - Santogold

November 7, 2012

It Feels So Good In My Hood Tonight

This is not a political blog, but....


Just try wiping the smile from my face today.  

October 24, 2012

You're Cordially Invited...

... to a Dothraki Baby Shower!

My pal JJ at Simple Musings is about to deliver a teeny-tiny Khaleesi into the world, and I thought I would throw an imaginary Khaleesi-themed baby shower in her honor.

Today. Right now

Vaes Dothraki (aka the marquee on the lawn of my mansion)

Just ask yourself "what would a khaleesi wear?"

I'm going for Dothraki handmaiden chic
Stallion hearts and fermented mare's milk


cake, cream cheese mints, and sherbet punch because you know how much I love them


a sparkling cider pyramid, of course!

Party Favors:

Everyone leaves with their very own mini horse!

I'm naming mine Jorah.

 And now for the best part... my gift for JJ and her little Noelle:

It's a black diamond-studded dragon egg jewelry box.  Sure, I probably should have gotten something more practical for a baby, but little Noelle is going to need somewhere to store her growing jewelry collection and I think this is the perfect place to start.

And with that I will say 'Congratulations!!' to JJ and her husband, and I wish her all the luck in the world for the safe delivery of her little girl.  I can't wait to "meet" her!

October 10, 2012


I like buying things.  It makes me happy.  I know I should find happiness in more philosophical (aka free) things (and I do... really!), but sometimes a new thing just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

And that is how I'm justifying the buying spree I have been on lately.

Here are just some of my recent purchases:

1. Old Navy The Rockstar super skinny jeans

I love these jeans.  They are super comfy, and they come in tall sizes.  I'm slightly perplexed as to why I have to buy tall sizes.  I think the starting off point for these sizes is 5'10" and I am 5'8", but I must be freakishly proportioned because these are just the right length (meaning just slightly too long, but that's how I like them).

2. Deux Lux purse

It's not this one exactly.  It is similar in shape, but mine is this awesome aubergine-y plum-y color.  So pretty.  It makes my materialistic heart sing every time I see it.

3. These sweaters from Forever 21

I read recently that Capricorns tend to age emotionally in reverse.  They start out as incredibly intense and serious children, and grow more light-hearted through the years.  Based on many of my clothing choices in recent months, this is pretty accurate. 

4. These OPI nail polishes


Both are from the OPI German Collection.  The top one is 'German-icure' and the bottom is 'Every Month Is Oktoberfest'. Awesome fall nail colors.

5. Season 1 and 2 of The League of Gentlemen

I'm going to barely attempt to explain this show by saying that it's sort of like a combination of Monty Python and The Twilight Zone.  So dark and bizarre and funny.  It used to be on Comedy Central forever ago.  Anyways, Mark Gatiss (writer for Dr. Who and writer/show runner for Sherlock) is in it and he is basically my hero/imaginary best friend. We'll talk more about him later.

Honestly, I could list probably 10 other things I have selfishly purchased for myself. But on the other end of the spectrum I have also purchased birthday gifts and made donations to a couple of charites so clearly I am still the saint-like person I've always portrayed myself to be.

October 2, 2012

Things And Such

1. Twinings Prince of Wales Tea

I have become one of those pretentious assholes who drinks tea.  Congratulations to me.  And I've been sucking this stuff down like it is mother's milk.

2. Anna's Ginger Thins

And everyday when I'm being a pretentious asshole, I am usually dunking these delicious gingerbread cookies into my tea. Really good, you guys.

3. This mug

This is my new pretentious asshole tea mug.  Or it will be when it arrives.  There's just something about a deer smoking a pipe next to the word 'tits' that makes me happy.

4. The Hobbit

I'm currently in countdown mode for Nerd Christmas (aka the day The Hobbit movie comes out in theaters), and in the meantime I'm drinking a lot of tea while re-reading this.  It's just as good as you remembered it.

5.  This short film/play

This is Sea Wall by Simon Stephens, starring Andrew Scott (of Sherlock/Moriarty fame). I hesitate adding this to this flippant list, to be honest, because this film (and my feelings about this film/play) deserves it's own epic blog post.  But if you find yourself with 30 free minutes and a desire to have your heart ripped out of your chest, kicked around the floor, and then gently placed back into your chest so that you will find yourself for days afterwards thinking about life, and God, and love, and the sea, and what everything you've ever thought about those things means.... well then maybe go here and rent or purchase it (it is only available to view online). Major feelings ghost material, you guys.

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