Things and Such

Greetings and Howdy-Do!  Long time no bullshit!

This wedding nonsense is winding down (1 month and 1 day left you guys!), and life is being less life-y... so blogging here I come!

Let's ease me back in gently with some things I found while being inundated with wedding related advertising.  I can't wait for my recommendations on Etsy to not look like this anymore:

First of all let's talk about Diesel the Bulldog.

You guys this is a metaphor for so many things in my life.  Mostly my relationship with food.

Speaking of food (and weird relationships with food)... someone buy this for me.

Have you ever purchased an article of clothing because you were excited about how much food you could comfortably eat while wearing it?  I'd like to introduce you to my new Thanksgiving dinner shirt:

It's basically a tablecloth with a hole cut out for my head.  Thanks, Forever 21!

So I really would like to make blogging a regular thing again.  I miss this blog's musk so much!  I promise not to change it to a cute-sy asshole newlywed blog with an asshole name like 'Miss to Missus'.  Barf me to death.

Also,  this is what Henry has been up to:

Talk to you soon, dumplings!

Riotous Springtime Tingles

Here look at these things while I try to find time in the chaos of my current lifescope to formulate thoughts and organize those thoughts into a blog entry...  jesus h christ.

This sculpture:

This quote that I can't find accredited to anyone inspite of my exhaustive research on the internet machine (I searched on google once):

"And kid, you’ve got to love yourself. You’ve got wake up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drowning in the darkness of the dawn. You’ve got to sit next to the man at the train station who’s reading your favorite book and start a conversation. You’ve got to come home after a bad day and burn your skin from a shower. Then you’ve got to wash all your sheets until they smell of lemon detergent you bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. You’ve got to stop taking everything so goddam personally. You are not the moon kissing the black sky. You’ve got to compliment someones crooked brows at an art fair and tell them that their eyes remind you of green swimming pools in mid July. You’ve got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won’t matter in two years. Sleep in on Saturday mornings and wake yourself up early on Sunday. You’ve got to stop worrying about what you’re going to tell her when she finds out. You’ve got to stop over thinking why he stopped caring about you over six months ago. You’ve got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. Fuck it. Love yourself, kiddo. You’ve got to love yourself."

Tina on Bob's Burgers is my heart's twin:

And this sentiment:

Also my shit-tastic diet is over and now that I can eat all of the cheese and candy that I want to I'm kind of okay with not eating it.  It's like I've joined some kind of cult.

Emerging from the Pumpkin Spice and Wood Smoke Miasma

HI GUYS!  I still exist!

I was in kind of a lull for a bit... not a lot going on.

Except that my brave and talented friend Kari at The Sunset Lane blog helped me merchandise my place up a bit by making me a new light fixture to hang over my dining room table (you should go read about that here).  And then further pimping my ride by putting gold polka dots all over my ceiling!!!  And I finally got my bar cart shellacked with gold spray paint and installed in my living room.

I did some socializing too!  I went to my first Tallgrass Film Festival last week.  My favorite movie didn't win any awards, but you should go watch it on iTunes because it is amazing.  It's called Muscle Shoals.

Seriously.  Go.  Watch it.  So good.

Anyways... here is a very well executed, award winning, MS Paint collage representation of my past month.  Hope everyone is well!

Whoa

I just realized I haven't written a blog since August.

Here are my super solid excuses:

1. September is the lamest month ever.

2. I am the lamest person ever.

3. I've been watching a lot of re-runs of Wings.


The thing is that I feel like I haven't done anything worthy of a blog, but I actually have done some stuff.

On the home decorating front, I made these cool glitter frames for my Golden Girls portraits:

Still haven't hung them yet.  Give me another 6 months.

And I bought these hella rad acrylic folding chairs from my friend Kari who got a hella rad deal on them on Craigslist:

Just imagine how cool they will look
when I've covered the beige carpet with
a bold rug, and centered an even bolder
light fixture above the table. Hella fucking rad.

Okay... I'm done saying 'hella' now like a doucheketeer asshole.

I went to the Kansas State Fair. Twice.

And ate about 12,000 calories on each visit.

Always say yes to a gyro made in a truck.

And rode a ferris wheel.

And fell in love with this chicken's sweet style.

Other than that I've just been be-bopping around (not she-bopping around... gross) and trying not to eat too many mug brownies.  There has been some dating too.

So all in all a not so shabby month in progress for Jess!  Let's keep trucking into the big show... AUTUMN!!!

Let's Talk About Something Fun Today

What are we going to talk about?

I have no fucking idea, but it won't be about Miley Cyrus.

1.  We get free hot dogs at work today because we've all been so fabulous (I'm assuming that is why).

And tomorrow my office-mate and I organized a food day in our tiny office.  Mostly because we wanted an excuse to eat all day without getting up from our desk to go and get food.  So that's going to be awesome.

I'm bringing Baked Potato Dip (kinda like this recipe except I add green onions... for health) and Cinnamon Roll Cake (also for health).  Yep... I am making two things because I am Beyonce levels of awesome and Dom Deluise levels of in love with food.

Just photoshop my face onto this and use it as my tombstone.

And then Friday even more free hot dogs for lunch at work!

Apparently the week before Labor Day is a time for pre-fortifying yourself with nitrates (and mayonnaise) so you can eat more nitrates on the big day! HUZZAH!

2.  On Sunday my friend Kari from The Sunset Lane came over to help my un-motivated, decorating impaired self work on some strategery for making my apartment not look like a sterile dorm room.

We hung newspaper templates on the walls to figure out where to hang all of my art and photos, but, you guys, I'm getting kind of attached to the newspaper.  It might stay indefinitely.

Henry helped.

She also brought me this:

Henry doesn't even remember posing to have his portrait painted, but he obviously did because the likeness is uncanny!

We also ate pizza and brownies and bitched about dudes... basically a perfect Sunday afternoon!

3. I really like this song a lot:

Royals by Lorde

4. This Dana Barrett in Ghostbusters makeup tutorial is awesome... I just need someone to go with me to a Halloween party as The Keymaster.

And that's about as much fun as I can handle today!  Get back to work, nerds!

To All My Neighbors, You Got Much Flavor

Feeling a little down today for various intangible reasons.  I think I need to dance it out with a little impromptu internet dance party.

Join me, won't you?

CRANK IT, MONTELL!

Okay.  I feel a little better now.  How are you guys doing?

Good Afternoon, Campers!

Hey, y'all!

Remember when I used to write things on here and pretend that people were reading those things?

Such a good time for everyone... right?

Well, I'm back to say something.  I don't know what that something is, but let's just see where we end up.

First of all, man oh man, has the last month and a half been intense.  To clarify, my definition of 'intense' is probably very different from most people's definition.  I think it's intense if I have to have my oil changed and buy groceries in the same day. Quel horreur!

Well it has been intense... just a lot of awesome things all thrown at me at once (and some not so awesome things but I've got my fingers crossed on those things working themselves out).

I know I've said it here before that I just really feel like in the past 6 months I am in the exact place I am meant to be... it's an intense feeling of knowing that your feet are traversing the correct path and that you are hitting every landmark and crossroads exactly when you are supposed to be.  It makes me feel kind of in love with the Universe in a very dopey, new age-y way that I have trouble expressing most of the time.

There is, however, a kind of terror that comes with this feeling though.  Because although I trust 100% that I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing and heading towards where I'm supposed to be heading I have no idea what/where that somewhere is.  It's actually crazy awesome once you get past the bed-wetting anxiety.

I imagine my face looks something like this most of the time:

So I realize I'm being super vague about what all of this "intense stuff" is, and it's really only because I have no idea what is going on... i'm just kind of along for the ride at this point and trying to enjoy it and not be too fixated on what the outcome will be. You know?

Suffice it to say that the world is a weird, wonderful place that will send you off on unexpected trajectories at  a moment's notice so you better just keep your chuck taylors laced on as tight as possible and try to keep a smile on your face because all indications point to you ending up somewhere you've always wanted to be.

And never be afraid of burning bridges.  Or being vulnerable. Or believing that you can have whatever you want.  Just never be afraid if you can manage it.

In other news I'm 10 lbs away from my goal weight (for a grand total of over 130 lbs lost over the course of 2 years).

You guys, weight loss is such a weird thing.  It takes so much time for your brain to catch up with your body (no matter how slowly you lose the weight).  I'm just now starting to see my physical self clearly... to not feel like a "fat" person.  It's a real mind fuck.  An awesome mind fuck, but still a very definite mind fuck.


In other other news, I'm going camping this weekend... like in a tent camping.  I haven't done this since I was probably 15 years old.  How will my 31 year old back fare sleeping on the hard-packed earth?  Probably terribly, but it'll still be great.

And, last of all, here's a song I'm listening to like a crazy person (in between listening to the leaked Kanye album):

Forever by Haim

Crushes: A History

Age 8 - Emilio Estevez as Billy the Kid in Young Guns 2

Age 11-13 - A kid in my grade (lets call him Kelso). One time in shop class he asked me about my book of Edgar Allen Poe’s poetry and I misinterpreted this to mean he was interested in poetry and had a poetic soul. Turns out he was just kinda dumb and really didn’t know who Edgar Allen Poe was.

Age 14-present - Jello Biafra and Graham Coxon

Age 15 - Joe. Joe was a senior and had an awesome tattoo on his calf. Sometimes he wore a kilt to school (this is the middle of nowhere in Kansas, mind you). He was really nice, and drove me home from school one day. I think he only did it because he was friends with my brother. I was silent during the entire ride.

Age 17 - Ben. I worked with Ben during the summer, and on his last day I didn’t say goodbye because I was too shy.

Age 21 - This 19 year old punk kid from Manchester on Livejournal. I have no idea what his name was, but he was definitely failing his college courses. He had a mohawk and the most kissable lips I’ve ever seen. I stalked his journal for 6 months, but never actually followed it because I was too shy.

Age now - No one. Well maybe this dude I saw at the Y a few weeks ago. He has red hair and a great beard. I call him Ginger Y, but I haven’t seen him but that once.

A Weekend in Photos

Hangin' with the Matlock Crowd at Doc's Steakhouse:

I forgot to take a photo of our giant carafe of Franzia.  I don't fuck around when it comes to getting drunk at 5:30 p.m. on Friday, you guys.

Beer and cheddar fondue with the fam:

I didn't have the presence of mind to photograph the actual fondue probably because I was too busy applying it liberally to my face.  Surprise hit out of the assorted dip-ables:  granny smith apples.


Your NCAA bracket getting murdered by my (almost) alma mater:

This is 100% the only time you will ever hear my talk about basketball on my blog.  Probably.

For those that are interested in reading a dirty book along the lines of Fifty Shades of Grey (but not complete and total horseshit), may I suggest:

New chapters published every Friday here.  You can choose to celebrate Easter and the Lord's Resurrection any way you want... I choose to celebrate it by staying indoors and reading smut on the internet.  Different strokes, y'all.

And finally the Game of Thrones premiere:

Total success because the only king I care about, Roose Bolton, was featured for more than 2 seconds and was actually given lines to speak.

Another pointless Ros the prostitute scene almost ruined my joy... almost.

Incoherent Thoughts

Allow me to ramble.

First of all, it is 19° outside on the 26th day of the third month in the year of our Lord 2013.

It motherfucking snowed on Saturday and Sunday.

I ate my Greek yogurt huddled over my open oven door this morning like a little pioneer lady in her sod shanty (they totally had Greek yogurt by the way... and probably hummus too).

Where is the sunshine?  Where are the tulips??  I want to go on bike rides, and wear my new t-shirt.

This would pair nicely with some galaxy leggings, and complete my regeneration into a hipster asshole.

SPEAKING OF WHICH!  I challenged myself to make the most annoyingly accurate hipster girl outfit possible on Polyvore.  I think we can all agree that my mission was accomplished.

I think the lavender hair and pork pie hat really put it over the top.

Confession: If I were 17 (and had perfect doll tits),  I would probably wear this... not even ironically.

BUT there was no bike riding or t-shirt wearing to be had this weekend.  All was not a loss though... instead I spent Saturday evening at the incredible home of Katherine and Conan from Keep Smiling.  Katherine and Conan are currently in the process of turning a vintage camper into a mobile photo studio and darkroom for their business, Lamphouse Photo Co.  In the meantime they are set up in the attic of their house (which has seriously been featured in magazines and shit... it's that cool), and they photographed myself and some of their friends while the snow fell outside.  Super fun, you guys!  Go check out some of the photos they took of us here!

And so, to end, here's what I have on the agenda this week:

A fondue party!

Sweaters and mugs of beer will be mandatory.

I'm having a fondue gathering with my family on Saturday, and I have a question.  Besides bread and boiled potatoes what are some good things to dip in cheese?  I mean, I would dip pretty much anything in cheese and eat it, but what would normal people like to dip in cheese and eat??

And new running shoes!

I'm dealing with some serious shoe envy lately.  When I'm at the gym I mostly spend all of my time staring at everyone's shoes wishing I had cooler ones.  It's like a return to 3rd grade when everyone had Reebok Pumps, and I had knock offs from Payless.  Quelle sad.  I think I should wait until after the Color Me Rad 5K in May and let my old ones get destroyed with paint bombs.  Then I'll have a legitimate reason to buy new shoes.  Or maybe I'll just give into my natural inclination towards materialism and vanity... who knows?!

NERD CHRISTMAS ON SUNDAY!

Game of Thrones premiere on Sunday, y'all.  Game of motherfucking Thrones.

Bric A Brac

From Why You're Single by Amanda Crute:

You are single because you are single. It’s really as simple as that. You haven’t made the connection with another heart yet. You can get dolled up, dress cute, cut your hair, dye your hair, tweeze your eyebrows, put on lipstick and you may still. be. single. You can go out to a bar hoping to meet the love of your life and not find a damn one in the place attractive. And it’s going to remain that way until it’s time for you to find one. Stop hoping for it. Start living the life that you do have instead of wishing for things that you don’t have. There will come a time you’ll meet a boy and you’ll have to give up some of this single freedom you currently have. Start being more thankful. Start doing that now.

Articulate thoughts from articulate people regarding the Steubenville Rape Trial (emphasis mine):

 From Jenny Trout:

I have no doubt in my mind that these young men did not know they were raping that girl. Note: I'm not excusing them from raping her. I'm sure, I'm 100% sure, that they knew they were doing something very, very wrong. Maybe in their heads they thought, "We're taking advantage of this drunk girl," or "She's not saying yes, but she's not saying no, either." But I have no doubt that they didn't realize what they were engaged in was rape.
Because we don't teach young men what rape is; we want to protect their right to rape.

And from Henry Rollins:

I think to a great degree, we humans still divide ourselves into two species, even though we are monotypic. There are males and females. We see them as different and not equal. Things get better when women get more equality. That is a bit obvious but I think it leads to better results up the road. If it’s a man’s world as they say, then men, your world is a poorly run carnage fest.

It is obvious that the two offenders saw the victim as some one that could be treated as a thing. This is not about sex, it is about power and control. I guess that is what I am getting at. Sex was probably not the hardest thing for the two to get, so that wasn’t the objective. When you hear the jokes being made during the crime, it is the purest contempt.

So, how do you fix that? I’m just shooting rubber bands at the night sky but here are a few ideas: Put women’s studies in high school the curriculum from war heroes to politicians, writers, speakers, activists, revolutionaries and let young people understand that women have been kicking ass in high threat conditions for ages and they are worthy of respect.

And, on a lighter note, horoscopes from The Rumpus written by Madame Clairevoyant, who does not claim to know anything about astrology, and, yet, manages to write some of the most insightful horoscopes I've ever read:

Capricorn: When things bother you this week, when things go wrong, you might feel like the whole world is burning up, like your body and your life are disintegrating, like everything’s falling apart. It’s going to drive you crazy, the little things that don’t go right this week, but try to ride out your frustration—watch it until it starts to move. The anger you’ll feel this week is the kind of force that can make the whole world open up. It can show you colors you’ve never seen before. It can show you how to fly.

The following gif is my inner self this week.  My inner monologue is the word 'murder' hissed in a sinister whisper.

Bits and Bats and Things I Found While Looking Around...

1. Marina Meets Ulay

“Marina Abramovic and Ulay started an intense love story in the 70s, performing art out of the van they lived in. When they felt the relationship had run its course, they decided to walk the Great Wall of China, each from one end, meeting for one last big hug in the middle and never seeing each other again. at her 2010 MoMa retrospective Marina performed ‘The Artist Is Present’ as part of the show, a minute of silence with each stranger who sat in front of her. Ulay arrived without her knowing it and this is what happened.”

2. This Poem:

“You tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do, love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful

something not everyone knows how to love.”

- "For Women Who Are Difficult To Love" by Warsan Shire

3. Embroidering this on a cushion:

4. In case you wanted to know what it's like to watch soccer with me:

5. My current relationship with waffles:

6. Break Bones by Internet Forever

7. I got a private nighttime tour of the Wichita Scottish Rite (Masonry) Temple.  A few highlights:

When the Moon is in the Seventh House...

I love astrology.  But only really good astrology... and by that I mean astrology that challenges you to really think about your self and your life.

I have only ever found one astrologist that I read on a regular basis and his name is Rob Brezsny.  His website Free Will Astrology is one I can honest to God/Goddess/Glob/Beyonce say has changed my life. His weekly horoscopes challenge me to think about... I mean REALLY think about... myself and my choices and the person I am trying to be.

This week, however, I'm super perplexed by my horoscope:

So... I should just like sit tight and do nothing?  That sounds great???

In the meantime I'm having a weirdly spectacular week in spite of nothing actually happening.

It's like I'm slow strutting across a thousand million rainbows and nothing can break my stride.  Also I managed to get the eyeliner 'kitten flicks' on both eyes to match which never happens except on Tuesday nights when I'm at home watching re-runs of Wings and no one will see it anyways.

All I know is that I feel like I should be on Beyonce and Jay-Z's yacht flirting with male models from Baltic countries I've never heard of while drinking champagne from a glass rimmed with actual diamond dust, but it's okay that i'm not because I feel like my life is on the exact track it is supposed to be on and something amazing is in store for me this year.

So basically the hippies have won and I have rainbows and unicorns shooting out of every pore on my body.

We're going to finish the week out strong, kids.

Weekend Things and Such

1. This weekend I ran.  I was not being chased.  I voluntarily chose to run on my Sunday morning walk.  At times I even sprinted.  I don't even know myself anymore.

2. SOCCER.  A lot of it it.  My brain is going to explode with soccer and happiness.

3. Pineapple.  You guys, I legitimately ate an entire pineapple this weekend.

4. I still can't believe Game of Thrones is over for almost another year. My Sunday night feels empty.

5. My nominee for "Hottest Player At Euro That I Didn't Previously Know or Give A Shit About" goes to this guy:

Simon Kjaer from Denmark.

6. This award will most likely change many, many times over the next month.

7. Skyscrapers by Demi Lovato is a song that can make me cry.  Also Nessun Dorma from Turandot performed by anyone.  I was not always like this, but over the years I have become a crier. It's obnoxious.

Also I'm a really ugly crier.

8. I woke up this morning thinking 'holy shit I can't believe it's only Tuesday'.  Ugh.

9. Passion fruit yogurt is a terrible idea.  It feels like you're eating yogurt that has dead roly-polys in it it. Ugh.

10. I feel like this list should end on number 10. So I'm just going to say that this is still making me laugh to an unhealthy degree: