February 29, 2012

Why I Bought A Dress That Doesn't Fit

I decided I should finally do a for real blog for once or else you guys are going to start thinking that I only post youtube videos and amusing photos I find on the internet machine.

And if that's all I'm going to bother doing, why didn't I just get a Tumblr blog to begin with?

So here are some thinky thoughts I've been having about my diet.

In short, it's not going well.

Basically, I can use any event/holiday/emotion as an excuse to eat whatever I want.  And I have... oh how I have.

I just seem to have lost my oomph.  And exercising?  Barf me to death.  I'd rather spend an eternity vacuuming all of Hell.

So in a year I'm going on another BIG vacation, and my goal is to reach my goal weight around the same time.  It's a lot... and it's going to require my oomph to be firing on all fronts.

This is what my oomph should look like.

Instead of looking like this.
So that's why I bought a dress that doesn't fit.

It's not an expensive dress.  I picked an inexpensive dress I know I will like in a year... something that will look awesome on my vacation.

Because I'm hoping that having a tangible, physical object that represents my goal will help me find some of my moxie.

And when I can finally put that dress on, I'm going to take a photo of myself wearing it, giving my best cheesecake smile, and I will post it here.

It's going to be so awesome, you guys.

February 28, 2012

What I Have Been...



Listening to...

Gotye - Eyes Wide Open


But also...



But unfortunately also eating these...

And you know what...

February 27, 2012



I stayed up two hours past my bedtime watching Breaking Dawn and drinking cheap old lady wine.

And that is officially the saddest sentence I've ever written.

I wasn't alone though... that would have made it the saddest sentence in the history of sentences.


I had to put skim milk in my coffee because I ran out of coffee creamer.  It's just awful, you guys.


I didn't watch one single second of the Oscars because I don't think it's healthy to congratulate people who are probably already raging narcissists.


I'm going on another cruise next January.


Christopher Plummer in The Sound of Music was, like, the original DILF.


I really like that new (to me) Gotye song.


And I think that concludes the list of thoughts that are tumbling around in my brain this morning.

February 24, 2012


Here are some things I urgently need you to know about me.

1. I feel like this most of the time:

Or like this:

2. Three jobs I wish I had in no particular order:
     - Barker's Beauty on the Price Is Right
     - Christmas tree/pumpkin patch farmer
     - Roller skating rink DJ

3. I am incapable of remembering the 3 digit security number on the back of my credit card.  The 16 digit account number, however, I know better than my own phone number.

4. I get hungry for lunch at 9:00 a.m every day.  This is usually when I go to Pinterest and start torturing myself with pictures like this:

And this:


And then I wait 3 hours, heat up my Lean Cuisine, and sink slowly into madness.

5. Kate Upton is even giving me a boner, you guys.  I don't even know what that means, but it's true.

It's a shame they had so much trouble finding a bathing suit that actually fit her.

6. I simultaneously love and hate cute couples.  Here are a few of my current faves:

Crown Princess Victoria and Prince Daniel of Sweden. They just had a baby yesterday!!

Gwen and Gavin
Ellen and Portia
7. I have no idea what i'm doing.

February 23, 2012

Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday... Choose Your Own Adventure Style!

You guys, I need your help.

I've got two competing offers from two strapping lads, and it looks like I need you to help me decide who my imaginary boyfriend is this week.

Let's meet our contestants!

Contestant #1 is a smoldering half Irish/half German actor.  He loves potatoes, cabbage, beer, and probably lots of other German/Irish stereotypes. He is Michael Fassbender!!!

Long underwear just really does it for me.  Sue me.
Contestant #2 is a dapper young gent from England.  His hobbies include taxidermy, collecting women's underpants, and linguistics. (I have no idea what i'm talking about)  Please welcome Henry Cavill!!

He's seducing you with his eyes.  And his magnificent chest hair.

The winner will be enjoying a romantic evening with me, watching re-runs of Rhoda while eating cereal straight from the box!


The results are in... Michael Fassbender wins by a landslide!  I'll just give him a call to let him know.

February 22, 2012

A Recipe From My Mama

Last night my mama made my favorite supper from my childhood... Porcupine Meatballs. So I thought I would share the recipe with you.

I never have to think very hard when people asked me what my Death Row Final Meal would be... it's pretty simple.

That's a big ol' heaping plate of Great Plains childhood right there.
And a miniature sombrero from Cozumel.
Add a slice of blueberry pie, and send me off to meet my Maker.  I can die content.

Porcupine Meatballs (serves: me)

1 lb. ground beef
1/2 c. regular rice (see note below)
1/2 c. water
1 small onion, chopped (or a handful of dehydrated minced onion)
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp celery salt
1/8 tsp garlic powder
1/8 tsp pepper
1 can (15 oz) tomato sauce
1 c water
 2 tsp Worcestershire sauce (see note below)
1/2 c to 1 c shredded mozzarella cheese (see note below)

Mix meat, rice, 1/2 c water, onion and seasonings. Shape mixture into 1 1/2 inch meatballs.

Place meatballs in ungreased baking dish, approximately 8x8x2 inches. Mix remaining ingredients and pour over meatballs. Cover with foil and bake in 350° oven for 45 minutes.   Uncover, sprinkle with mozzarella, and bake uncovered for another 15 minutes.


- My brother (who, just like me, hated meatloaf, but looooved these) made these with minute rice.  This enables you to make larger meatballs.

- One time I didn't have any Worcestershire sauce, but I did have A1 steak sauce so I swapped it and it tasted awesome.

- Now the original recipe for this never called for cheese, and most porcupine meatball recipes don't call for cheese, but one time my mom threw some shredded mozzarella on this on a whim, and my brother and I were hooked. So I highly recommend it... and when I make this sometimes I go way overboard with the cheese, but 1/2 c to 1 c of cheese should be sufficient. 

February 20, 2012


Today I took down an image from a recent blog because someone found it by googling "little girls in bikinis"

This is what I put up instead:

Congratulations, internet machine, for consistently teaching me how fucked up the world is!

Lesson learned.

First Five

It's Monday which means I am nearly comatose.  And I only know one cure for that...


But since I'm at work this morning, I'll settle for coffee and playing my iPod at top volume.

Let's see what kind of a mood Mr. iPod is in today, shall we?

1. Lovin' Machine - John Spencer Blues Explosion

2. Empire State of Mind - Jay-Z (featuring Alicia Keys)

3. Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey - Paul McCartney

4. I Want A New Drug - Huey Lewis and the News

5. We Found Love - Rihanna

Interesting choices, sir.  And 'kudos' on #4... strangely appropriate, i.e. the cocaine comment above.

In other news, you guys, my hair is the definition of 'awful' today.

So I have that going for me.

February 17, 2012

We Need To Get Out of Here

Ever just go through a patch when it seems like you just absolutely cannot stop spending money?

When your list of things you want to buy just seems endless?

I'm sure it has less to do with wanting things and more to do with trying to fill the gaping hole in soul.  My soul hole (*juvenile snickering).

Or it's just that I like shiny new things and lots of them.

Even my notoriously thrifty father does this, so I know I'm fairly normal.

One time we went to Sears to have his tires rotated, and by the time we left 2 hours later he had purchased binoculars, a painting, and a sack of jelly beans.

He looked at me and said, "We need to get out of here... I'm obviously in the mood to buy shit."

This week on the internet I have purchased the following:

- Prescription glasses

I'm so excited about these, you guys!

- Various books and dvds

If you've never seen this, what the eff is wrong with you?

- Shampoo 

Wen is going to change my life, you guys.
I watched an infomercial for like 30 minutes and I'm 100% positive of this.

And that seems pretty tame when you take into consideration all of the things I've almost bought on the internet this week:

- Makeup... a lot of it.
- Nail polish... a lot of it.
- Jewelry... a lot of it.
- Clothing... a lot of it.
- Watch... an expensive one.
- More books and dvds

So I think it's safe to say that we need to get me off of the internet machine until I figure out what my soul hole really needs.  Probably butter and sugar... a lot of it.

Have a great weekend, kids!

February 16, 2012

Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday: A Royal Occasion

At this point you probably know my feelings about Prince Harry.


And if you don't know, you can probably guess.

But there's a new Prince in my life and he's Swedish.

Prince Carl Philip of Sweden, Duke of Vrmland has got it going on, y'all.  Oh yeah.

February 15, 2012

The Best Thing That Happened At The Grammy's...

... happened at the BAFTAs.

Source.  Why don't gifs ever work on here? Click on the image if it isn't  moving... it's worth it.

Oh, Mr. Darcy.

So It Turns Out I Like Skrillex?

Skrillex is...

This kid (guy probably) who looks like he spent all of his allowance money at Hot Topic. And he's a deejay (ugh).

But he has this song called 'Kyoto'.

And it makes me feel like a total badass when I'm listening to it... like I'm planning a heist or some kind of elaborate revenge plot, but really I'm just picking up my dry cleaning.  It turns everything I do into a movie montage scene.

Not my usual cup of tea, but I'm just going to go with it.

February 14, 2012

You're Cordially Invited To Valentine's Day Brunch!

Come in, come in! Come in and shut the door!

It's so wonderful you could make it all the way to Merry Old England just for my little get-together.  

The place looks familiar, you say?  Yes, apparently while we've been away they've been filming some television show here.

Can I asked you something?

Do you think I'm overdressed for brunch?

Nevermind.  It's like as I said it I heard how ridiculous the question was.

I bet you know what's coming next, though.

Champagne pyramid!  Splash in a little orange juice or peach nectar and it's totally socially acceptable to drink in the morning!

So... I'm guessing you're picking up that i'm a little down this morning, right?

Well, it's not that I'm ungrateful or anything, but it's just that my husband... you've met him right?

He's been hinting for weeks about this "rock" he was getting me for Valentine's Day... and here I was laying around dreaming about rocks... diamonds, emeralds, rubies.  Those kinds of "rocks", and apparently he meant this:

It's some island off the coast of Iceland he bought from Bjork.

Don't get me wrong... it's certainly unique, but you can't exactly wear it around your finger.

Listen to me complain! An island!  Talk about first world problems.

Mingle, eat, enjoy yourselves! And there might even be a surprise for you on your way out... hint hint.

Have fun and don't do anything I wouldn't do!

February 13, 2012

Life Lessons

I turned 30 a little over a month ago and therefore I have a lot of wisdom, and I was thinking about what lessons I've learned in my 20s that I wish my present self could pass along to my just barely 20 year old self many moons ago.

Here's what I've come up with:

1. Someone is always going to be better than you at something you want to do.  Ignore them.  Just do it your way, because if you try too hard to be like someone else it comes off that way... like you are trying way too hard, and people find that obnoxious.

2. Go to college, stay there until you are finished. It's simple.

3. Ask for help sometimes. You are not the only one that feels lost and unsure right now.

4. You don't have to carry your identity from high school into adulthood.  So you were a kind of a quiet, boring goody-two-shoes in high school, but now you can be a loud, awesome, goody-two-shoes in your 20s or whatever you want to be. People won't think it's weird, they will just think "Wow... Jess is really coming out of her shell!", and you will have so much more fun.

5. Throw that fucking hoodie away. (Note: Guess what I'm wearing right now as I write this. Hypocritical much?)

6. And maybe do something with your hair.

February 10, 2012

First Five

I haven't fallen back on this crutch of a blog post for awhile... so here we go with the first 5 songs my iPod shuffled for me this morning!

Britney Spears - 3

Cat Stevens - Tea For the Tillerman (theme song from Extras)

Yann Tiersen - Sur Le Fil (from the Amelie soundtrack)

Nikkfurie de La Caution - Thé à la menthe (from the Ocean's 12 soundtrack)

Scissor Sisters - I Don't Feel Like Dancing

Apparently my iPod is feeling very soundtrack-y and European today.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.

February 9, 2012

Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday!

Re: the new Rachel McAdams movie 'The Vow'

If I woke up from a coma, and Channing Tatum were sitting next to me insisting he was my husband I would probably say, "Okay... let's go with that." And then keep my mouth shut.

February 8, 2012

Does Not Compute

I make this exact same face when someone tells me they can't finish eating something because it is "too rich".

There has never in the history of my life been something I couldn't eat because it was too rich.  And it will never happen.

Shame Spiraling

So to build on a subject introduced recently... SHAME and deep, dark SHAMEFUL SECRETS.

Everyone has a deep, dark shameful secret.  I have about 7,000 and at least 50 of them I would willingly tell you about right now... so why not?

Let's start with 5 shameful secrets.

1. I think these two are a really cute couple:

Patrick Bateman in love.

2. Today I spent at list 20 minutes googling "Kyle Richards shiny hair secrets".

I'm blinded.

Seriously, you guys... HOW?  Deep conditioning treatments?  Vitamin E?
Don't you dare say 'genetics' because I think I might just go kill myself.

3. I hate the musical 'Annie'.

Barf me to death.
4. I rarely think a baby is cute.

I'm sure this baby has a terrific personality, though.

5. I would be thrilled if my girlchild (or boychild) decided s/he wanted to be in a beauty pageant. Glitter! Makeup! Choreography!

Shame on you.

So there are 5 of my shameful secrets.  Judge away!

February 7, 2012


Kristine and I created a cocktail in honor of our new cruise ship crush, Aleksandar.

Are you guys trying to tell me that you don't create cocktails in honor of your crushes?

What a pack of weirdos.

Here's what you'll need to make your very own Aleksandar:

2 oz. Citron Vodka
1 oz. Chambord
Ginger Ale
As many twisty straws as you can cram into a glass

This is pretty simple.  Add the vodka and chambord to a high ball glass of ice. Top off with as much ginger ale as you want (I prefer a lot because I like my alcohol to taste as little like alcohol as possible). And stick at least 3 twisty straws into your glass.

Ta-Da!  It's sweet. It's fun. It has rosy cheeks. It's impervious to sea sickness. AND it has the best dance moves this side of Montenegro.

Enjoy, kids... and don't worry because we have more cruise ship crush-inspired drink recipes on the way!

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