January 14, 2015

You'll Meet an Army of Me

Folks, I don’t know much about anything (except the care and upkeep of pugs and where to buy the best donuts), but I do know a whole heck of a lot about the wild and amazing world of insecurities.

It’s a very practical knowledge I’ve acquired over the years due to my ability to walk through this weird and wonderful world with near crippling anxiety and insecurity.

Yes, I know it all very well.

Most of my anxiety and insecurity (and I suspect this is the case for most people) stems from comparing myself to others. It’s a constant, negative voice in my head that tells me that not only am I not as interesting/beautiful/intelligent/special as others, but that everyone else can see that I’m lacking and is just as disappointed in me as I am.

It’s exhausting and a super dick-ish thing to do to yourself.

Insecurity is so insidious too. Sometimes, like today, I will start the day A-OK and then find myself swiftly sinking into a dark K-hole of meanness. It can be triggered by something or nothing. Social media seems to be the prime suspect most of the time.

As I found myself mired in this fire swamp of self loathing today, I decided that it was time for a little vulnerability and sharing. I know most of us experience this at some point, and probably most of use experience it every week if not every day.

If you find yourself similarly mired, here are the hand grenades I lob at my insecurities on a regular basis:

- Repeat to infinity the mantra “I love myself, I love myself, I love myself…”. Brains are super dumb. If you say something as a fact over and over, even if you don’t believe that fact, eventually your brain will start to believe it, and suddenly it will be true! This one is crazy important and effective. Don’t wait for others to validate you. It’s dangerous and addictive. You have to try to believe with your whole entire body that you slow strut on rainbows.

- Do something nice for others. Get out of your own head and think about adding joy to someone else’s day. Inevitably it will increase your own joy.
 - Do something nice for yourself. Buy yourself something that makes you feel rad or eat a guilt-free donut. You’ve probably earned it.

- Create a note on your phone where you can keep track of every nice thing anyone has ever said about you. Refer to it liberally and believe every word of it. This one is tough sometimes because I tend to think every compliment I am paid is just done to humor me. I counteract this by channeling my best Bette Davis bravado and mentally affirming ‘Yes’ after reading each item. Again, brains are super dumb.

- Listen to this song. On repeat, if necessary.

For the most part, I am in the best place I have ever been as far as self-love and acceptance goes, but I still have my days. Those are the days I can see how much progress I have made, and the great love affair I have with myself. I can see it in the fortitude I have to warrior through and get back to A-OK or better.

Using a machete to cut through red tape.

Keep slow strutting across those rainbows, pals, and I’ll keep slow strutting across my own.

January 5, 2015

A Little Bit Fat and Tacky...

... is the name of the memoir I'm going to write when I'm 97.

It comes from a quote from director Billy Wilder's (ex) wife Audrey about another Audrey, the waif-like star of his movie Sabrina, Audrey Hepburn.

"Through no fault of hers, (she) makes me feel fat and tacky. Also I suddenly realized I probably drink and smoke too much."

Yup.  That about sums it up.

After my birthday dinner tomorrow evening (a carb fest at Bella Vita Bistro), I'm officially starting my get healthy for the wedding diet/lifestyle change/cleanse/spiritual awakening/humdinger.  It's going to be so super cool, said nobody ever.

I've actually gained back about 25-30 lbs of weight over the past several months.  It turns out that relationships, even healthy and happy ones, have a way of fucking around with a single lady's finely tuned Rain Man-like existence of Jeopardy and underwear from K-mart.  Or in my case rarely eating bread and 2 mile walks by the river that was right outside my back stoop.

Before if I wanted to eliminate something from my diet, I just wouldn't buy it.  And I rarely went out to eat because if I wanted to sit alone in public and be pitied I could accomplish that a million other ways for free.

But, seriously, you guys, I have got one of the most intense case of the lazies these days that I've ever experienced.  I've also got an intense case of the pepperoni pizzas.

So I had to have a little come to Jesus with myself, the result of which was me signing up for DietBet, making Wade dust off his Diamond Dallas Page yoga DVDs (it's totally a thing and I'm super excited to try it), and reminding myself that I'm a 7th level vision master ninja bad ass when it comes to this whole healthy living weight loss thing (remember that time I lost 130 lbs...HELLO!).   So onward non-denominational soldiers, I've got this!

Also, this blog from Andie at Can You Stay For Dinner? about the connection between being fat and apologizing for yourself and trying to be small really kicked me in teeth heart-wise.

In other news, I'm delving deep into the batshit craziness of a bridal expo next weekend... so expect a report about that in the near future!  Also engagement photos!


I hope all of you are well and shining bright like diamonds for the new year!

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