What are Hobbies?

I've got that thing where you're so overwhelmed and stressed that instead of lying awake restless all night you just keep sleeping as if you might be able to sleep through the entire season of your life and wake up when you have less things you need to do.

Kind of like this, but with anxiety.

I'm sure everything will be great once I'm an employed human being, a student, AND the mother of a newborn.  Right?  RIGHT????

Rage Against the Zen

I read something several weeks ago that has been rattling around in my brain ever since.

Joanna from A Cup of Jo shared this zen parable from a children's book called Zen Shorts:

Two traveling monks reached a town where there was a young woman waiting to step out of her sedan chair. The rains had made deep puddles and she couldn’t step across without spoiling her silken robes. She stood there, looking very cross and impatient. She was scolding her attendants. They had nowhere to place the packages they held for her, so they couldn’t help her across the puddle.
The younger monk noticed the woman, said nothing, and walked by. The older monk quickly picked her up and put her on his back, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other side. She didn’t thank the older monk; she just shoved him out of the way and departed.
As they continued on their way, the young monk was brooding and preoccupied. After several hours, unable to hold his silence, he spoke out. “That woman back there was very selfish and rude, but you picked her up on your back and carried her! Then, she didn’t even thank you!”
“I set the woman down hours ago,” the older monk replied. “Why are you still carrying her?”

You guys... I'm currently standing at the metaphorical base of this people tower:

Let me introduce you to a few!

There's the guy I watched deliberately throw garbage on the floor at the art museum during the annual Color Party.  Garbage.  On the floor.  In a MUSEUM.

The Color Party was in April.  Still annoyed.

And then there's the old lady who lived in the apartment below me when I was 25ish.  She called the police on my several times because she claimed I was too noisy.  I wasn't.

She's probably dead now.  So I can almost let that one go soon.

A bus driver that almost ran me off of the road last night.

About 50 different co-workers due to 50 different interactions that left me with an internal dialogue that went something like this:

And something about being pregnant, listening to Beyonce's Lemonade album on a loop, and watching the last season of Game of Thrones has dialed up my already hot temper to eleventy. When it comes to fight or flight I am always ready for fight.  I walk down the streets of Old Town willing someone to start some shit with me just so I can have an excuse. 

You guys... this is bad because I am pregnant.  And even when I wasn't pregnant, I wasn't really very tough.  I'm all talk.

So I'm trying to learn to let it go.

Like Tuesday night when I saw this on the front porch of our building:

Instead of having a rage meltdown, I calmly carried it 15 feet, put it in the garbage, and then went about my life.  

Well I did take a photo of it and send it to my husband, but I still count it as a win.

Welcome Back, Kotter

Yesterday was my first day as a college student after a 7 year unintentional sabbatical.

 

My top skills as a student in days past were:

• Overachieving for a month
• Stressing myself out because of my inability to prioritize
• Ghosting all of my classes
• Showing up for one last class to see if I felt differently about it
• Withdrawing from all my classes

I was especially good at the withdrawing from all of my classes part. 

I have notebooks, folders, and good pens.  I'm too big to fail, you guys.  Right??

In other news I think I'm starting to feel the baby move.  Maybe???  Honestly, it could just be gas, but I'm choosing to believe that it is a for real baby spinning around in my innards.  

Name update:  still no name.

When Does the Glowing Start?

What does glowing even mean? Sweaty?  I'm definitely sweaty.  I've also got a lot of zits.

My doctor told me that I need to start thinking about choosing a pediatrician for the baby. And, you guys, it just seems ridiculous.

I'm so ill-prepared for this child in every other way.  So far this is what we have purchased for the baby:

- a pack and play that my mom found cheap on Facebook Marketplace
- a diaper bag my mom found at TJ Maxx
- A tiny baby cardigan that reminded me of The Dude's cardigan from The Big Lebowski
- a record player
- a Snoopy Sno-cone machine

Am I even allowed to be a parent?  I'm really starting to question the person that signed off on me being in charge of a baby.


In other news, the Run Boy Run palette from Makeup Revolution London is pretty great.  Only $10!

First Trimester: A Life in Pictures

Have you heard the news?  I'm currently growing a complete human within my own body.  A boy human.

And it turns out I'm not the Earth Goddess pregnant lady I was hoping I would be.

Since I can't communicate the experience the most effective way... interpretative dance, I'm going to walk  you through this 8 week long (14 weeks total) shit show with photos I stole from the internet.

But mostly this...

You guys I'm two weeks into the 2nd trimester and I'm still sick as a damn dog.  My spirits are not high.  I cried last night because I couldn't have wine or a hot bath.  And also because I convinced myself that no one even liked me any more.  They were only nice to me because they want to be friends with the baby.

It was one of my best moments.

We've made zero progress on picking out names.  Wade has more of a mid-century modern naming sensibility and I'm much more rustic modern with an Americana twist.

I'm planning on suggesting the name Fievel today.  He will think I'm joking, but I'm not.

Perfume: A Life Story

"A perfume is like a piece of clothing, a message, a way of presenting oneself, a costume that differs according to the woman who wears it."

- Paloma Picasso

Elizabeth Arden Sunflowers - This perfume feels like the last time I felt comfortable in my skin until I was 30.  This is summer time.  This is wheat fields.  This is swimming in the Ablah's pool and listening to Matthew Sweet.  This is dying your hair bright red with Manic Panic.  This is feeling like the best version of yourself while wearing cut-off denim and a t-shirt.

Calgon Hawaiian Ginger body spray/patchouli oil/Jovan Island Gardenia - The dabbling years. High school wasn't that much fun.  I wasn't bullied.  I had friends.  I did well in classes.  But it just wasn't fun.  I was lost.  I had an idea of the person I was, but I felt trapped by what everyone else thought I was.  I loved makeup and clothes.  I could recite Shakespeare's Sonnets by heart.  I loved romance and adventure.  But I was the serious girl who always wore a dark blue hoodie.  I didn't think anyone would be okay with the riotous springtime that was happening inside of me.

Romance by Ralph Lauren - I think I wore this because I wanted to be the kind of person who wore this.  I wanted to be softer.  I wanted to be inviting and lovely.  I had spent the four years of high school building a "barrier of barb and check" around myself.  I wanted to tear it down after high school, but I didn't know how. So I wore this perfume, but it didn't change anything. Eventually I just gave up and built the wall higher. To the sky.

Pink Sugar by Aquolina - This was an attempt at frivolity in my mid 20s.  I am frivolous in many ways, but frivolous in a sort of dark carnival way.  This perfume is pure cotton candy and pink cherubs playing The Carpenters on lutes. When I wear it now it feels oppressive and like a person who doesn't understand herself.

Angel by Thierry Mugler - Body chemistry is a weird thing.  This perfume smells good on me.  On some molecular level this perfume hits my body and becomes something better. I've had to prove to other people who also wear this perfume, that this is what I'm wearing. Diablo Cody calls this the ultimate stripper perfume in her memoir Candy Girl: A Year In the Life of an Unlikely Stripper.  I like that.

Flower Bomb by Viktor & Rolf - This choice says a lot about me.  Not the scent though.  The scent is good, but whatever.  But the fact that I found my perfume...  THE PERFUME...  and then decided I should try something else because the something else seemed more interesting and distinctive says plenty.  I tried to force myself to love it, and I still wear it occasionally when I want to switch it up.  I'm just not this girl.

Angel by Thierry Mugler - This is the perfume I will be wearing when I die. Most likely causes: eating too many cheddar bay biscuits or a freak carnival ride accident.


Weird question... do you guys look in the mirror when you put on perfume?  I do, and I don't know why.

Magpie Heart

In the mood for something new and shiny?  Always.


Baublebar Lightening Rod Drops

I bought these earrings to wear to the Wichita Art Museum Color Party.  It was the tenth anniversary of the party so they asked people to dress in any of the colors from the past ten parties.

I bought a cheap but awesome tonal sequin dress from Forever 34, but when it arrived I realized that I looked like 10 lbs of potatoes in a 5 lbs sack.  Nope nope nope.

I ended up wearing a black goddess-y maxi dress with neon embroidery from last summer.  I still wore the earrings, and I copied this hairstyle.

You guys, I looked like some kind of Electric Kool-Aid Earth Goddess from the Moon.  I felt awesome. Totally worth the $34.

Drunk. Terrible Lighting. Very Happy.

Klimt Tarot - Pocket Golden Edition

Use them. Frame them.  Keep them in a pretty silk pouch and just enjoy the knowledge that you possess them.  Whatevs.

Here is a good Tarot reference guide for getting started!


Real Techniques Brushes - this set, this set, and THIS BRUSH for starters

 

You guys.  You GUYS.  The expert face brush alone is worth its weight in gold.  These brushes are so ding dang cheap and so well-made... plus they are synthetic which means precious baby animals are not being harmed for your vain ass self.

I was a MAC/Sigma/Zoeva/Morphe brush-aholic.  These are better.  Plus they are so cheap that you can buy multiple sets... and you will want multiple sets.  The base shadow brush from the eyes starter set (purple brushes) is a more wonderful MAC 217.  Which anyone who spends any amount of time doing make knows is the end all be all of eye shadows brushes.  It's your base shadow brush, your crease brush, your blending brush, your concealer brush, your nose contour brush.  You can't have enough of them.

And that expert face brush will change your foundation/blush/bronzer/contour game.  So so good.

OH!  And the deluxe crease brush from the eyes starter set is my new go-to concealer blending brush!