Congratulations On Being A Pack of Assholes, World

Here is an artist's rendering of my face right now:

Because I'm about to call some motherfuckers out.

Motherfucker #1 (a.k.a does my office look like a motherfucking phone booth to you?)

I work in an office that is adjacent to an area where a bunch of guys work (blue collar types).  Every morning around the time I am just settling in at my desk...  drinking my elixir of life (coffee), reading emails and making snarky comments in my head about them, and just having my morning 'lone time... one of these fellas will step away from their morning status meeting in the next room to take a phone call in my office.

I can't even begin to explain to anyone how much this infuriates me.  It's not even really the phone call so much as the volume at which many people seem to think it is necessary to speak into their phones in order to be heard.  What the for real fuck?

Motherfucker #2 (a.k.a. the construction workers who cried wolf)

I'm sure I'm not the only person that has encountered this phenomenon.  You are driving home from work, it's hot, your head hurts, and you are still a little pissed about people taking phone calls in your office.  It's the same route you take home every single day, but today a sign has been put up to let people know that a lane is closed ahead.  So you dutifully move into the other lane and then come across a strip of carefully placed traffic cone thingamajigs that have not yet been placed to close down the other lane.  'Alright', you think.  They must be getting ready to start the construction tomorrow.  But then the next day, the same thing. And the day after that and after that and after that and so on and so forth until one day you think 'Fuck it. I'm not moving over again because they probably still haven't closed down this lane yet.' Aaaaaand... guess what?

Motherfucker #3 (a.k.a I guess that Matlock marathon kept you pretty busy all day)

There is nothing and I mean NOTHING that I hate more than having to stop at the grocery store on the way home from work.  I will happily eat trail mix for dinner if it means that I can avoid a grocery trip. But at some point, even I have to cave and take myself to the store for some proper nutrition and shit.  And because I work all day this usually happens at around 3 to 5 o'clock on my way from my job.  Why... WHY?! for the love of God and Saint Mary's Blessed Vagina do elderly/retired people think that this is an appropriate time to slow poke their way through a goddamn grocery store?  They own the entire day whilst the rest of us are at work.  They could go at any time and  yet they seem to choose the busiest fucking 3 hour period of the day to buy denture cream and cat food.

And thus concludes my rage session.

So I'll be over here eating a Dove candy bar until the world is ready to apologize.  Which better take less than 3 seconds because that is as long as it takes for me to eat one.