November 14, 2012

My Battle Against Impending Spinsterhood

So the big announcement is...


And, you guys, I hate it.  It's the worst.  I just don't understand anything that is going on.

And that's not just the dating website... that's just in life, like in general, I have no idea what the fuck is going on ever.

So over the weekend I made my mom take some cheesecake photos of me because, other big announcement, I have lost 100 lbs, and I had zero photos of myself not looking like a zeppelin.

(Side note:  I'll post a few of the photos later. There is one in particular that is a gem that I think I should share, but I forgot to email them to myself)

And, you guys, I don't know what I expected.  I don't know if I have incredibly high standards, or if the pickins' are just super slim around these parts, but every guy that has contacted me seems like a serial killer, a broseph, or a total schmo.  I mean, I realize this is real life and not an adorable romantic comedy starring Reese Witherspoon and Tom Hardy, but jeez louise...  is there no one out there that likes the same weird shit I like and can simultaneously rock a fucking suit? Or how about just a guy that doesn't have a photo of himself wearing fucking Oakley sunglasses?  Jesus H. Christ.

Am I going to die "fat and alone, and be found three weeks later half-eaten by Alsatiens (or pugs)"?

And if I am, can I just figure out how to be okay with that?

I don't know... it's been three days and I'm feeling totes discouraged.

Also, I'm still living at home right now, and I feel like any quality dude is going to find that weird.  I'm moving back out on my own in the spring, but in the mean time I feel weird about having to address all of the debbie downer reasons I moved back home in the first place.  Thoughts?

Help me, I'm poor in social skills.


  1. If shit doesn't work out with the twit my brother is seeing, you could date him!! He's cute! Then we would be sisters! Want to come over and watch Christmas movies soon?


    1. YES! We should totally do that! I'm already listening to Christmas music... it's a sickness I have :)

    2. Awesome!! I have been singing them around the house!! :)

  2. Jessica! You are so kick-ass! 100 lbs, damn g-friend, that is great! Dating is mainly awkward for me, I don't get it either! We need to chat soon!

  3. I did online dating, it takes a while, met two nice guys but there wasn't any ..zziinng.. so now I decided to get 13 cats and live alone forever, and occasionaly oogle cute guys from behind the bush

    and show us pictures!!! congrats on the weight go girl

  4. More power to you on the weight loss, seriously! As for the online dating, I hope you get fortunate soon. I've barely entered the world of real life dating human boys, so hearing all this is more than a little daunting. Can we all just get a house and die alone and boyfriendless together?

  5. 100 lbs?! That's AMAZING!! Congratulations! That's a HUGE accomplishment! I lost 15lbs last week, but I had a baby- and gaing 54 lbs in 9 months- so I'm not really even close to getting on track with my weight. I'm super proud of you!!

    Online dating could be good, it could be terrifying! I know some success stories from online dating, so maybe it'll work out. You just have to weed through the crazies, the scaries, and the Oakley's. Good luck out there, dating is a scary place.

  6. Greetings fellow online dater!
    I just had to agree with your sentiments on the online dating experience, and i thought i might add the male perspective. i am also a "total schmo", but i will set aside that cultural slur against my people of schmo-ish decent, for now.
    I signed up with a popular dating website. After filling out my profile, which was no easy feat, i sat back in my chair, confident in the power of worldwide networks ,social science, cutting-edge technology, and advanced algorithms to find me someone incredible. They all failed me. It seemed as if every profile was written by the same person, and that person SUCKS. The same 3 or 4 phrases were repeated on each page. The most popular is some form of "i like both going out on the town and cuddling up on the couch watching movies" What the fuck is that intended to convey? It seems as if those two ideas sort of cancel each other out. And why does every woman post a photo of themselves behind the wheel? To prove you have a car? Do people online lie about vehicle ownership? Why? All these questions began whirling around in my head. So, after 3 months, i buried my computer in 3 feet of dense soil, and gave up on the online dating concept.
    This is where the true cruelty of the universe becomes apparent. Even though i cancelled my account, this dating site continues to send me daily "updates" with another batch of "matches". Well today was very different. Today i was introduced to a young lady who operates under the name BARCAGIRL6. She seems very different. First of all, she opens with a Cusack reference, not a line from a Taylor Swift song. She says she is looking for a "partner in crime" for "shenanigans", which makes me wonder whether that means ice skating or grand larceny, but either way i am in. Edgy and obscure stand up fan? yes, please. Open-minded intellectual curiosity? Don't mind if a do. Creative and upbeat? I'll have a double, and keep 'em coming. Basic spiritual beliefs that seem very similar to my own? Yes, extra spicy.
    In short, i am very impressed by this woman. Not to mention that she has purdy green eyes, and a smile that makes my big toe shoot up in my boot.
    So, since i no longer have an account with them i will never get to speak to her, to tell her how much i appreciated the bit about the grocery bags, perhaps over coffee, or a spring roll.
    I guess there is always the possibility that i would just run into her somewhere in the real world, but what are the odds that out of the thousands of people in this city, i would find her? I've never been lucky, but i don't think anyone has every been THAT lucky. If i did, i would say "Hello, its absolutely amazing to see you here, and you look fabulous, would you like to go for a walk?"
    Anyway, that is how it goes in my head, plus we are both riding giant winged iguanas.
    To summarize, online dating is terrible for %99 of us, and I'm sorry that it sucks for you too. You are a very interesting wierdo, Jess, and I'm certain someone worthy of you will come along, perhaps riding some sort of lizard.

    - Kyle Rohr

    1. Hello person on the internet that was able to track down my personal blog from my dating profile!

      Not going to lie... a little bit creeped out, but also a little bit impressed and also you gave me about 7000 compliments so I'm going to cut you 3 feet of slack.

      Soooo... how did you do that???

    2. Good morning,

      I had a feeling i might come off as creepy, but i was so intrigued by your profile, i had to try. I apologize if i made you uncomfortable.

      How did i do it? Well, in my experience the magician does not reveal his tricks, but alright then. A huge coincidence, that's how. I just happen to work at the high school in the hometown you listed. I checked your yearbook in the library and found your name, and a simple google search led me here.

      I would try to assure you that I'm not a stalker, but i think it might have the opposite effect. But if you give me a chance, i can prove it.

      But who am i? Unfortunately i don't have a blog for you to read. I do, as required by federal law, have a facebook my email is I like music, and sandwiches.
      I am an open book and having nothing to hide. I'm just a normal guy, looking to get to know you. If you give me a chance i can promise i will be a total gentleman, and i will do my very best to make you smile.

      perhaps i will hear from you soon. If not, Happy Festivus to you and your family.

      - k


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