There Ought To Be A Word...

... A word to describe how weird it is to come back to reality after a vacation.

This word would have to encompass so many different feelings and emotions.

Happiness to see your pets and sleep in your own bed.

Sadness that the trip is over and everyday drudgery is back on the menu.

Overwhelmed by trying to get caught up with everything that has been missed.

Excited to tell everyone about all of the things you've done and seen.

And, on top of all of that, is a heaping helping of exhaustion.


Basically, it's soooo good to be home, you guys, but I can't wait to do it again.

What I've Been... (Vacation Edition)

I am writing this from the past (a week ago). I do not have psychic abilities, but I feel fairly confident that this is what I will be up to today.

Reading...

In fact, I am positive about this because I've already purchased a stack.  When I buy $30 worth of magazines you know I mean business.

But also this...

Listening to...

Kokomo by The Beach Boys

Fernando by ABBA

Drinking...

Or...

And Watching...

And as long as my ship hasn't capsized, I think it's safe to say I'm having a great time.

Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday

Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday is a new meme I'm trying to start. I think the thing that is holding it back is the lack of alliteration in the title, but if people could look past that it could become the new Gratuitious Picture of Yourself Wednesday.

Fingers crossed.

Here are my current imaginary boyfriends...

Peter Krause

I loved his character on Six Feet Under and I love his character on Parenthood even more.  He just seems like a nice guy in real life too.

Daniel Sunjata

Daniel Sunjata was the best thing on Rescue Me even though his character (like most of the characters) was kind of a douche-y asshole.  He's playing Ranger in the movie adaptation of One For the Money. Bestill my beating heart.

Paul Nassif

Paul is the husband of Adrienne Maloof from the Real Housewives from Beverly Hills. He's my favorite Househusband and if Adrienne doesn't stop nagging him I'm totes planning to steal him from her.  I mean... his kids broke his nose TWICE while wrestling with him.  What a swell guy.

Fernando Torres

Awwww.  

Someday we're going to discuss my not-so-secret obsession with soccer.  Fernando is like the Brad Pitt of soccer (or I guess David Beckham is the Brad Pitt, so Fernando is the Matt Damon? or Leonardo DiCaprio?). And he's married to his childhood sweetheart which is just plain adorable.

LA

LA Light from Colin Rich on Vimeo.

Watching this makes me feel the way I used to feel while looking at photos of NYC. I should never be allowed to go anywhere, so the magic never gets tempered with reality.

Autobiographical

This vignette created itself on my desk so I decided to photograph it. It will be part of my first photography exhibition titled 'Diary of A Mad White Woman'.

Coming soon to a gallery near no one.

Desert Island Discs

Have you guys ever heard of the show Desert Island Discs? Apparently it is quite an institution in the UK, having been on the air since 1942. Each episode the guest, or castaway, is asked to choose 8 records, 1 book (you are automatically given The Complete Works of Shakespeare and the Bible or a similar religious text) and 1 luxury item to take with them if they were stranded on a desert island.

For instance Ricky Gervais chose a coffee table book of art and a vat of Novocaine, Stephen King chose the collected poetry of W.H. Auden and a water hammock, and Stephen Hawking chose Middlemarch by George Eliot and creme brulee.

The great thing is that the guests are truly important, interesting people... politicians, authors, chefs, poets, and, of course, actors and actresses.

I have a feeling that if an American network ever chose to rip this show off the first guests would be either Pauly D or Tila Tequila.  One can only imagine....

FHM magazine and a bottle of ritalin? The collected poems of Jewel and a Mystic Tan booth?

So I started doing my one of my favorite things... thinking about myself. NO... well YES, but I started trying to decide what I would take with me to my desert island.

This is what I came up with.

Discs:

1. A Town Called Malice - The Jam

2. Bring It On Home - Sam Cooke

3. Soothe Me - Sam and Dave

4. Atmosphere - Joy Division

5. Blackbird - The Beatles

6. Temptation - New Order

7. Bridge Over Troubled Water - Simon and Garfunkel

8. Fairytale of New York - The Pogues

Book:

The Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas

Luxury Item:

My pug, Henry... or at least a picture of him.

Super Random Idea

I love when inspiration strikes out of nowhere and you know with all of your heart that you just have to accomplish it. Yesterday it popped into my head that I should do something that I've always abstractly thought about trying.

This year I'm going to make every recipe* from one of my all time favorite books 'Like Water For Chocolate'.

I've always wanted to, and, by God, I'm effing doing it.

For those not familiar with this amazing book, it is a sort of fairy tale about a Mexican girl named Tita who's God given talent in life is to cook. She is like Cinderella, but more soulful and tragic. Each chapter includes a recipe, and the preparation of the recipe is woven artfully through story.  It is so amazing.

This is going to be so awesome. And I will of course be blogging about.



*I'm reserving the right to exclude the recipe for matches and possibly the one that makes 50 lbs of chorizo. I will also have to find appropriate substitutions for some ingredients, of course.

Leg Lamp!

I totes got my first ever award thingamajig! A major award, you guys!

Must be Italian!

B at The Opposite of That has been so encouraging and kind to a know-nothing rookie blogger like me.  Her comments are just slices of fried gold awesome.  Thanks for the award, B!

So this award comes with a little bit of homework.

Here are the rules:
     1.  Copy the award image into a post.
     2.  List 10 things that make you happy.
     3.  Tag 10 bloggers who brighten your day.
     4.  Put in a link to their blogs.
     5.  Notify the award receivers.
     6.  Recipients should link back to the sender’s blog.


Here goes nothin'...


Things that make me happy:


1. My pug, Henry
2. My parents, two of my best friends. I for realz won the parent lottery, you guys.
3. My best friend, Kamielle... for giggling over sappy romance novels with me.
4. Cake... all of it.
5. Daydreaming about my upcoming vacation... I will be on a beach in Jamaica in less than one week!
6. Watching my stories (The Young and the Restless) with my mom everyday.
7. A kicky new nail polish.
8. Cooking and baking for my family and friends.
9. Doing something creative every day.  
10. Zzang! candy bars from Zingerman's.


10 blogs that add some sunshine to my morning coffee:


1. The Sunset Lane - Kari is hilarious, creative, and just a swell broad.  I just love people who GO and DO THINGS instead of always talking about it... and that is exactly what Kari is like.


2. Mama, Love + Style - If ever you need proof that motherhood does not require donning a pair of mom jeans and a Quacker Factor oversized t-shirt, Lindsey is that proof.  


3. Simple Musings - She's open, she's honest, she's funny, and she has a pug.  And her name is Jessica.  We're pretty much a match made in heaven.


4. Poke the Rock - In my dreams I am this funny and creative. It's never going to happen so I just read this blog instead.


5. Mayor Gia - Reading Gia's blog is like reading a really funny picture book for adults. And that's a really good thing.


6. Jen but Never Jenn - Again with the funny and creative ladies! Jen is like if Liz Lemon moved to Canada and tried to be a 50s housewife for 2 weeks.  Also her pantyhose fell down on a busy street one time so we're pretty much soulmates.


7. The Freelancer's Fashionblog - Ulrika is from Finland and she is in a burlesque group and she wears amazeballs vintage clothing and she used to do these great hair tutorials and I just really like her blog. And run on sentences.


8. My Favorite and My Best - Her American Horror Story recaps were pretty much better than the actual show, and now she's doing Downton Abbey recaps and I'm reading them even though I haven't had a chance to watch the show (it's totes on my 'to watch asap' list).  One time her blog was down for like 2 days and I nearly had a conniption.


9. Sweetheartville - I found this blog one day when I googled 'beauty operator' and I found this Oklahoma lady's super awesome amazing blog and her super awesome amazing Etsy store.  I got like 3 Christmas presents for people from her.  You guys, I just love the whole aesthetic of her life.  It inspires me.


10. I Suwannee - Jamie owns this store 'Furbish' in South Carolina, and it's pretty much the store I would own if I ever owned a store (if you know what I mean).  Her style is modern, but not sleek.  It's feminine, but not fussy.  It's just colorful and joyous and fun.

Not A Music Snob

I realize I blog way too much about my iPod, but it's pretty much what keeps me fired up while kicking ass and taking names at work.  Also while filing and sorting paperwork.  Whichever comes first.

I listen to a lot of dumb music... like a lot.  I'm not picky.  If I like it, I like it and that's all the justification I need to play it at top volume until my and everyone else's ears bleed.  However, I recognize to some these might be considered lame, but since I've already embraced my inability to be in any way "cool" it's pretty easy to own how much I love these songs.

And so I've chosen the  top 5 embarrassing songs on my iPod (in no particular order).

1. Peter Cetera - The Glory of Love

You guys,  it's from the Karate Kid II soundtrack, so there is no way anyone of a certain generation could ever dislike this song.

2. Phil Collins - Against All Odds

3. Pussycat Dolls - When I Grow Up

You guys, this one is truly atrocious.  I think most of the time I do not even really pay attention to song lyrics... so long as a song has a kicky beat, iTunes makes $1.29 off of me.  The Pussycat dolls should be paying ME to listen to this horseshit.

4. Ke$ha - Tik Tok

Okay... I am definitely owed $1.29 on this one... I'm not even going to try to justify it.

5. ABC - The Look of Love, Part I

ABC is one of my favorite bands from the 80s. Imagine if David Bowie had decided to make a pop/disco musical in a gold tuxedo... and don't forget the leiderhosen!  Their videos are pretty much the best things ever.  Check out 'Poison Arrow' too!

So that's the most embarrassing stuff on my iPod... excluding the 20 to 30 Britney Spears and Fergie songs I own.

Summertime

Barefoot in Folsom from ben joyner on Vimeo.


You guys, everything about this video makes me painfully hungry for summer. But, lesbianest, my summers... all of them... look more like this:

Or maybe this, if I'm lucky:

And my summer montage video would be me guzzling coffee while driving to work at 6:30 am and then driving home alternately glaring bitterly and rolling my eyes at young people out having a grand ol' time on their summer break.

But you know what... I aspire to something better, and this summer I'm going to pull it off. Some how some way my summer is going to look like a Ralph Lauren/Levi's/Abercrombie and Fitch commercial.

Except for the diving... I never learned how to dive and I'm not all that upset about it.

Gee Your Hair Looks Terrific and a Healthy Recipe

Today I can say, without an ounce of hyperbole, that my hair looks AMAZE-BALLS awesome.

It took me an hour and a half and an entire can of Elnett, but gee whiz do I love it.  And when you have a good hair day you should always ask a relative to help you commemorate it with photographs that you can later post all over the internet machine.

Today, besides my luxurious hair, I wanted to share one of my favorite healthy recipes.

Months ago when I first started on my weight loss journey, I dove in headfirst with the South Beach Diet.  This is a diet that I had used very successfully for short periods in the past. When I decided to start dieting this time, I really wanted to focus on living a healthier lifestyle that I would be able to maintain for years.  I knew a big faltering point for me in the past was getting stuck in a rut of eating the same things day in and day out.  So I made a conscious effort to try cooking lots of new things so that I would slowly add more healthy recipes to my cooking repertoire.  One of my greatest resources during this period was Kalyn's Kitchen. I really encourage anyone who is interested in a sustainable, low carb lifestyle to visit her website.  It is loaded with amazing, versatile recipes and great information about the South Beach Diet.

Now, I don't strictly follow the South Beach Diet these days, but it really is a lifestyle I have come to believe in... following the diet taught me to be aware of the carbohydrates I was eating and to eat in a much more conscientious way by focusing on vegetables and lean proteins, but not sacrificing flavor.

This recipe, for Cannellini Bean and Turkey Sausage Stew with Tomato and Basil, was one of the first I tried from Kalyn's Kitchen, and I still really enjoy making it frequently. My version sticks pretty closely to the original with a few teeny-tiny changes, mostly to the amount of liquid used because I prefer mine to be more the consistency of a thick soup than a stew.

Cannellini Bean and Turkey Sausage Stew with Tomato and Basil (adapted from recipe at Kalyn's Kitchen)
Approximately 4 to 6 servings

2 cans cannellini beans, rinsed and drained
4 links of chicken or turkey sausage (I always use Johnsonville Turkey and Cheddar smoked sausage because it is all that is available at my local grocery store, but I know there are some great Italian-style chicken and turkey sausages available out there. Oh... and try to find some that contains cheese of some sort, it really adds to the flavor.)
2 to 3 teaspoons olive oil
1/2 large onion, chopped
1 T. minced garlic
1 (14.5 oz) can petite-diced tomatoes (unsalted or low sodium preferably)
1 teaspoon oregano
1/2 teaspoon marjoram
2 to 3 cups low sodium chicken stock (depending on the consistency you prefer... start with two and add more if necessary)
1 teaspoon basil or 1/4 cup of fresh chopped basil (if using fresh add at the very end of the cooking process)
 1 T. balsamic vinegar


Start by rinsing your cannellini beans in a collandar until they stop foaming and then set them aside.

Slice the sausage links lengthwise and then crosswise into 1/4 inch pieces. Heat a teaspoon of olive oil in a large pot.  Add the sausage and brown.  If your sausage has cheese the cheese will start to melt and turn brown on the bottom of the pan.  This is a flavor goldmine.  Once the sausage is browned, transfer to a bowl. Add another teaspoon of oil and saute the onion for a few minutes.  Add the garlic and saute another minute or so.  Add the can of tomatoes, oregano, marjoram, basil (if using dried), and the chicken stock.  Toss the browned sausage back into the mix.  Let this simmer for 30 minutes. After 30 minutes add the cannellini beans and allow to simmer for another 15 minutes.  Add more stock at this point if you feel it is too dry.

Now add the balsamic vinegar and salt and pepper to taste. Allow to simmer and meld for another 5 minutes.

Add a Big Salad and dinner is served.

The balsamic vinegar seemed kinda random to me when I first read this recipe, but it totally it adds an awesome umami element to this recipe.

Fiend

Let's take a break from talking about dieting, exercising, and other forms of torture to address another of my obsessions.

You guys... I've got a problem with nail polish.

I'm not sure when it started.  For years I never particularly cared about nail polish... mostly because I never really had the patience to sit still long enough to paint my nails and let them dry, but in the past 2 years or so it's become one of my favorite and my best addictions.

Hence the drawer:

That would be my nail polish/manicure drawer.  It's not terrible... there are ladies out there (most of them with entire blogs devoted to the topic of nail polish) who have closets full of polish.  The problem is that the drawer is growing at a very unreasonable rate.  A lot of these polishes I have only worn once. Some of them maybe even never.  And I fully intend on buying more.  In fact, I have an Ulta gift card burning a hole in my pocket as we speak, practically begging me to buy more nail polish.

And I just remembered that I have 2 new Zoya polishes on their way to me in the mail due to this amazing deal. I am out of control.

Someday you are all going to see me on an episode of Hoarders living in my nail polish drawer with just a tiny little space cleared for myself to sleep. 

And it will be glorious.

So to justify all of this nail polish I've decided it would be fun to feature a little 'Nail Polish o' the Week' photo in my sidebar.  

This week's polish was a bit of an experiment.  I decided to use a dark brown polish from Zoya called Codie, but then after it was done it just wasn't doing much for me so I hit it with one coat of a blingy gold glitter polish from Butter London called West End Wonderland. It's an interesting color... kind of hard to describe... like a murky bronze-y gold.  I'm not in love with it, but it was worth a shot.  

My Spirit Animals

Sources: The Internet Machine... and Pleated Jeans

What I've Been...

Reading...

Eating...

Wishing I Were Eating...

Or...

Listening To...

Watching...

And Dreaming About...

Saint Swithin's Day

I love quotes.  LaLaLOVE them.  I've always thought it would be cool to own a little shop... maybe a quaint little bookshop or a vintage home decor shop... mostly because I want to have a chalkboard in the shop where I could write a new special quote everyday to share with everyone.

This is a terrible business plan, you guys. I'm pretty sure zero banks would give me a business loan so I could have a shop to put my quote chalkboard in.

Well this letter I found on one of my FAVE websites of all time, Letters of Note, from Frank Sinatra is pretty much as chock full of awesome, inspiring, and perfect gems of quotage (if that isn't a word it should be) as anything I've ever come across.

And so I wanted to share it with you.

Source.

This is my favorite bit:

"Come on, George. Loosen up. Swing, man.
Dust off those gossamer wings and fly yourself
to the moon of your choice and be grateful
to carry the baggage we've all had to carry..."

Print it out. Paste it to your wall.  Read it every single day. And "Swing, man."

Birthday Shower Recipes, Volume II: White Russian Cupcakes and Sherbet Punch

First of all, how the hell is the word 'sherbet' pronounced... 'sure-burt'? 'sure-bet'? 'sure-bay'?

Let's just pronouce it 'delicious' and get to the recipes.

You guys, my birthday shower/small-scale P.Diddy white party went off without a hitch.

I didn't wear white because I discovered that the only garment I own that is white is my high school graduation gown.  Why do I still possess my high school graduation gown, you ask? Because I'm planning on being a hoarder when I grow up.

But beyond that, I thought the decorations looked pretty cute.  And the food was mighty tasty.

I made pineapple sherbet punch based off of this recipe from All Recipes... except that I used gingerale instead of Sprite or 7-up because I like it better.

I forgot to take any photos of the punch... probably because I was too busy pouring punch glass after punch glass of it down my throat.

But I did remember to take a photo of the White Russian cupcakes before I started applying them to my face.


I used my favorite recipe for White Wedding Cake cupcakes and adapted it by substituting Kahlua for the typical white wedding cake flavorings (some use just vanilla, some use almond extract... I prefer to use 2 products called 'creme bouquet' and 'almond emulsion', both of which are available at cake decorating/baking supply stores).

The frosting for these cupcakes turned into a trial... a very unnecessary one. I'm going to give you the recipe for my my favorite buttercream recipe.  I tried to use a cream cheese icing recipe from Pinterest that was supposed to be fabulous. It wasn't, and I had to add insane amounts of powdered sugar to make it firm enough to use on the cupcakes. They taste great, but I also probably have 5  new cavities from eating them. My usual buttercream recipe from The Kitchen Magpie has never ever failed me so I think you should use it.

The result was a subtly Kahlua-flavored cake and frosting.  I suppose it would have been more in keeping with the cocktail to add vodka to the mix, but in all honesty when I drink white russians I'm basically just drinking Kahlua-flavored milk and I don't really care about the vodka. And it was my birthday. So there.

White Russian Cupcakes

Cake (yields approximately 36 cupcakes):

1 (18.25 oz) box of white cake mix
1 c. all-purpose flour
1 c. granulated sugar
3/4 tsp. salt
1 1/3 c. water
2 T. canola oil
1 T. Kahlua
1 c. sour cream
4 egg whites

Preheat oven to 325°.  Go ahead an put your cupcake liners into your muffin tins.

Whisk together your dry ingredients. Add everything else and beat with a hand mixer until smooth and well blended.

Use a standard size ice-cream scoop to scoop batter into lined muffin tins.  They should be around 3/4 full. Bake 18 to 20 minutes until toothpick inserted into middle of cupcake comes back out with a few crumbs clinging to it.

Cool on wire rack.

I found the recipe for this icing (minus the Kahlua) a couple of months ago on Pinterest and it has since become my all time favorite.

Icing:

1 c. salted butter, softened
3 tsp. Kahlua
4 c. powdered sugar
4 to 5 T. of heavy whipping cream.

Whip the butter (preferably with the paddle attachment of your mixer) for a couple of minutes... until it's nice and fluffy (sort of like firm mayonnaise... side note: Firm Mayonnaise would be a great name for a punk band).

Add the powdered sugar and beat it some more... another minute or so.  Now add your heavy cream.  I would probably use 4 for this recipe... 5 will make the icing whippier. Also add your Kahlua.

Now whip the hell out of it until it looks whippy and heavenly.

I just filled a ziploc and cut the corner off to decorate my cupcakes... mostly because this is the extent of my decorating abilities.  Well that and sticking a cute color-coordinated sixlet on top of the frosting.  I'm really good at that too.

And thus concludes my series of birthday recipes.

By the way, guys, 30 feels great!

Birthday Shower Recipes, Volume 1

My real 30th birthday party is not going to be quite the spectacle my fantasy party was, but that's okay because I'm leaving for a cruise to celebrate my birthday in like 2 weeks and that, my friends, will be EPIC-SHMEPIC (it's totally a thing).

Instead of a ginormous party we're just having family over for cake and birthday treats Saturday night.  I am making the treats and the cake which seems cruel except that I volunteered because I love doing stuff like that.

So when I set out to plan what I was serving for my birthday I saw a very definite theme developing.

It's a theme I shall call 'Birthday Shower'.

Have you ever noticed that there are foods that you partake of at bridal and baby showers that you never see at any other kind of party? Despite the fact that these foods are, in fact, delicious?

I'm talking about jordan almonds, sherbet punch, and cream cheese mints.

Especially the cream cheese mints.

I asked my dad yesterday if he liked cream cheese mints and he said "I have no idea what they are" and I thought 'Of course he wouldn't... how would you if you had never been to a shower'.

It's like these things don't exist outside the context of female ritualized gift-giving.

Well I say funk that.  I freaking love sherbet punch... it's like a more dainty root beer float.  And who wouldn't like sugar-shellaced almonds and soft pillows of vaguely mint-flavored cream cheese frosting?

Some kind of bastard person I'm thinking.

So this is the first installment of my Birthday Shower Recipes Series... the Cream Cheese Mint edition. Enjoy some, won't you?

Birthday Shower Cream Cheese Mints

Yields approximately 4 dozen nickel-sized mints.


Ingredients:
2 oz. cream cheese, softened
1 T. butter, softened
2 c. powdered sugar
1 tsp. peppermint extract (to start with... you can add more to taste)
1/4 c. granulated sugar

Cream together the cream cheese, butter and sugar in a bowl with an electric mixer.  When you first start mixing it will look like you have way too much sugar, and it's never going to come together to form a dough.  Just keep going.  When it finally starts becoming dough-like, add your extract.  At this point you will probably have to add more powdered sugar(a big spoonful at a time) to get the consistency of the mixture right.  It should be like sugar cookie dough.  Taste the dough, add more extract if necessary (I usually use around 2 tsp.), and add a couple of extra big spoons of powdered sugar until you have a dough that can be rolled into balls easily.  It's not exactly science.

At this point you can add food coloring to make your mints any old color you want.  I would suggest using a gel food color (the kind you can usually find in the baking supplies at most craft stores) because it's easier to add a lot of color without effecting the consistency of the dough.  I chose to keep my mints white.

Next, start pulling off pieces of dough and rolling into marble-sized balls.  Roll the balls in a little granulated sugar and place them on a sheet of foil or wax paper.  Use the back of a fork to press the balls flat and give the mints nice little ridges on top like a peanut butter cookie. Let sit for 2 hours to dry a bit, and then keep them in an airtight container in the refrigerator or freezer.  You can also press the dough into little flower or bootie-shaped molds (I'm talking baby booties not butt cheeks, you guys... although that might be cute too).


Check in Monday for my next Birthday Shower recipe wherein I magically transform my favorite cocktail, White Russians, into a cupcake. Yum!

You're Cordially Invited Again...

In addition to my annual fabulous Christmas Eve party, when I'm indecently wealthy I plan on hosting an over the top birthday party for myself every year.

My birthday is January 6th which means that I will have a lot of party planning all crammed up together. But I'm pretty sure when you're rich planning self-centered parties becomes your hobby and job... your JOBBY, if you will.

This year's theme is White... as in winter. It's not racist, you guys.

I just wanted to emulate one of my personal heroes of wealth and excess: P. Diddy.

Source.

And so... "Welcome, dahlings, to my humble ski chalet!"

Both images from Pinterest.

Grab yourself a white or black russian popsicle:

Source.

Or a glass of champagne from my champagne pyramid!

You're always so sweet to pretend to care what I'm wearing!  Just an absolute doll!

It's just some old used white dress I found.

BOOM. FULL ANGELIC 70s DIOR MODE ENGAGED.

Source.

I'm sure you've been introduced before, but please let me present you to my husband again.

Source.

I have no idea why he has so much trouble getting his tuxedo on!

You know I would just absolutely die before I would brag, but he got me the most darling thing for my birthday!

Source.

I don't even know how to ride a horse!

Well, anyways, I'm just so absolutely thrilled you could make it to my little ol' birthday party!  Please enjoy yourself and don't forget to grab a party favor on the way out!

Source.

Limit one per guest, please.

An Open Letter to 15 Year Old Jess

Hey you!

Yeah you... the wild haired girl who looks like she's in a competition with herself to be as unattractive as possible.

Would you switch off that movie you keep obsessively watching for like 5 seconds?

Also, for the love of God, do yourself a favor and take off that effing hoodie sweatshirt.  It's truly awful.

I need to talk to you about some stuff.  Some stuff that is going to happen in the next 15 years and some stuff I need you to know in advance... a little friendly advice if you will.

First of all, you need to know that the world isn't divided up into packs of Jocks, Cheerleaders, Goths, Creeps, Band Kids and Weirdos.  There are only 2 groups: People Worth Knowing and People Not Worth Knowing.  The thing that's gonna be hard is  figuring out which group people belong to, because it turns out it has nothing to do with what music they listen to and whether or not they shop at The Buckle.  Don't limit yourself.  It's way boring.

Next, you need to try to be braver.  Like a lot.  This is going to suck for awhile, but it will be completely rewarding.  Don't be invisible.  Join things, talk to people, participate.  I know it sounds pretty lame, but you will never ever regret the things you tried.

Another thing, you need to get over comparing yourself to others right now.  Here's a news flash: you're a late bloomer.  You will probably always be this way. And I'm not talking about boobs... you got those early.   I'm talking about those momentous life landmarks we all think are inevitable: love, careers, marriage, babies, etc. You can stop comparing your life progress to everyone else's.  They've got their own mountains to climb, your mountains are completely different.  It's okay.  Just relax.

And last of all, in your senior year when everyone tells you that you will someday regret not going to prom, they are 100% absolutely WRONG-O.  You will never regret not going to prom.  So don't worry about it.

Carry on my wayward son...

Your pal,
Jess

13

I guess since it's the last week of my 20s I'm nostalgic for the things of my youth. Especially the music of my youth.

The songs that make me happiest are ones that take me straight back to being 13 years old.  That's the age I was when I figured out that there was more to music than what was being played on the average radio station (107.3 KKRD... anyone?! The Hitman!!! The Goodnight Line?!?).

That's the age when I came to school Monday mornings haggard and hollow-eyed because I just HAD to stay up until 4 a.m. to watch 120 Minutes on MTV every week.  I can't think of anything I'm that devoted to these days.

Here are a few songs that I still love with all my almost 30 year old heart:

Matthew Sweet - Sick of Myself

Hole - Violet

Live - All Over You

Radiohead - High and Dry

Blur - The Universal

Sponge - Molly (Sixteen Candles)

Weezer - Say It Ain't So

New Year, Same Jess

Look at all the loot I scored at New Year's Eve Bingo!

The nail polish/manicure clutter in the background is representative
of another of my obsessions we'll address on  another day.

That would be:
- A Gin and Titonic ice cube mold
- Peanut erasers
- Bowling Dice game
- And a kicky new dish towel

The elements of my New Year's that cannot be accurately represented in a photo are the amounts of cheese fondue and bacon I ate.

That's how you do New Year's Eve right, you guys: cheese fondue and bacon.

Champagne is so last year. Basic bitches drink that shit so I don't even bother.

In other important news, I went all Type A on my cruise packing/to do list this morning. I've got dinner outfits planned for every night on the ship down to what jewelry I'm wearing, clutch I'm carrying, make up style I'm applying, and hair style I'll be styling. Sweet McGillicuddy Jesus, I am organized and so ready for this trip.

I was totes having a white girl problem though because I have lost quite a bit of weight since summer, therefore all of my shorts are too big and look super stupid all cinched up with my belt.

I realize that this is an awesome problem to have, you guys.

But, no matter how awesome, I still had to try and find some new, smaller shorts in the dead middle of winter! And, lo and behold, Old Navy actually had some in my size. Super duper score.

So besides all of the sunless tanner I need to apply, I'm pretty much ready to go.  Applying sunless tanner is going to be my new hobby for the next 3 weeks.

Source.

Let's all collectively pray this doesn't happen.