Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday... Awkward Junior High Dance Edition

I think it's time we familiarized ourselves with some of our future imaginary boyfriends at FC Bayern Munich.

I'm so excited that Pep Guardiola will be managing here next season.  Seriously, when he announced that he was leaving my baybeez at Barcelona (but would definitely coach again in the future), Munich was the team I favored for him when everyone else was suggesting Chelsea, Arsenal, and Manchester.  I'm not saying he chose Munich because it was my favorite, but it clear indicates the intellectual mind meld we have and the level of respect he has for my opinions. We're a great match on every level.

So I'm guessing I'll be watching a lot of live streams of Bundesliga matches on the internet in the upcoming year and I think it's important that we timidly cross the vast expanse of the junior high gym floor and introduce ourselves to these boys so we can awkwardly sway with them to Come Sail Away by Styx in dresses we borrowed from cousins and older sisters.

Here are a few I have my eye on:

1. Manuel Neuer

You guys, I don't know how to accurately describe to you how much Manuel is exactly like an overgrown Golden Retriever puppy.  Just overeager and as happy as can be.  He's the goalkeeper, but he can't stand to be confined to the penalty area... he's always trying to push forward and help score goals with varying degrees of success (mostly zero success).  He loves Nutella and probably candy and watching cartoons.  He is precious. He's also like 8 feet tall of something.

I feel like Manu sometimes gets lost trying to get home and just starts following a random person like a stray dog in the hopes that they will adopt him and feed him Nutella.  I will be that random person and he can have all of the Nutella in the universe.

Also, look at this gif of him looking like an 8 year old being forced to attend an awards banquet:

I will make you pancakes forever, darling.  And then climb you like a tree.

2. Mario Gomez

Yes, Mario Gomez is German, but his father is Spanish.  Since Pep is Spanish and I'm Pep's special lady friend, I'll probably be spending a lot of time around Mario.  I'm guessing some pretty intense feelings could develop, you guys.

Mario is the star forward for the team. He's pretty awesome.  And he just broke up with his girlfriend of like 15 years or something so he's clearly in the market for a rebound.  Looks like everything is coming up Jess!

Important Mario Fact!  Boy oh boy can he wear a suit.

A lot of people ask me why I love soccer so much.  It's pretty obvious isn't it?

Clearly it's because it's a beautiful game combining individual physical stamina and mental acuity with team work to create a fluid, at times balletic, visual spectacle.

Also, sometimes the players' clothing gets disheveled and you catch glimpses of their spectacular bodies on live televison.  It's pretty rad, you guys.




Well, we've got lots more players to meet... Bayern Munich doesn't fuck around when it comes to hot dudes, but we've done some good work to get ourselves started.

Tingles

Just some things that have tickled my fancy lately.

Holzer, Jenny. It is in Your Self-Interest to Find a Way to Be Very Tender,
White Danby marble imperial footstool, 1983-85
(Collection of Jessica and Frank Lonergan).

Inspiration for bedroom in apartment. (Source)

Fresh home from Afghanistan. Killing it in
a Paddington Bear apron. Guh.

Messy hair. Pink lipstick.

Dreaming about warm summer evenings.

Birth

I found this while I was stumbling around on Pinterest recently, and it has since started sloshing around in the same part of my brain that usually hosts midnight existential anxiety parties.

Quote attributed to Kelly Cutrone.

It has been sloshing around in there, and handing out free Quaaludes and mugs of warm chamomile tea to all the usual party-goers: the 'is there something wrong with me?', the 'why is everyone else having babies and buying houses and I'm still poor and alone?', the 'gee whiz it sure seems like everyone else is having a great time', the 'what if I'm meant to die alone in a hoarder house?' , and, my favorite guest, the 'why do good things always seem to happen for everybody else?'.

I am 31.  That means, according to this quote anyways, I get to have one last year to cocoon.  One year to not even think about important adult business like marriage and babies.  One year to figure out if I really even want either of those things. One year.

I'm grabbing it by the meatiest part of its balls.

So what am I going to do this year?... well hopefully a lot of terrifying things that tie into my New Years(ish) Resolutions.

- I want to write a novel length something. And let people read it.
- I want to ride in a hot air balloon.
- I want to go on picnics alone.
- I want to stand on the edge of a cliff and look straight down.
- I want to complete a 5K race. (I have already signed up for this one)
- I want to give my phone number to an attractive stranger.
- I want to burn bridges with toxic people. Just fucking annihilate them.
- I want to ride a horse.
- I want to strip my life down to the most important essentials.
- I want to jump off of the high diving board.
- I want to write an earnest love letter to someone.
- I want to be vulnerable every day.

So Project Cocoon commences.  This year is going to be full of riotous joy... I can feel it in my 31 year old bones.

Sunday Morning Coming Down

Doing some intense feelings ghosting on a quiet Sunday morning before the storm hits.

This on top of the +12 inches that are already on the ground.
Get the funk outta my face, snow.

The Water - Johnny Flynn and Laura Marling

We Have Everything - Young Galaxy

The Coldharbour Road - Stornoway

A Love Letter To My Others

Friends,

Have I ever told you how rad you all are?

Have I sent each one of you a needlepoint throw pillow emblazoned with the words 'THANK YOU FOR READING MY BULLSHIT AND PRETENDING IT ISN'T BULLSHIT' in hot pink thread??

I wish I could because you are all so fabulous to me.  Your comments and encouragement are like my own personal double rainbows delivered right to my inbox.

I've been thinking a lot about the 'Find The Others' web comic I posted awhile back.

I just can't even begin to tell you how much that message has been the theme of my life the past few months.  My life has been magical in a very subtle, quiet, and beautiful way lately.  Every piece finding it's place at exactly the right moment.  The patience it has taken to sit still and let my life find it's way has been at times unbearable, but I feel really excited about where my life is headed lately even though I have no idea where that might be.

And I think some of that has to do with this blog.  Writing in this blog has helped me become more comfortable with being vulnerable.  I struggle with this.  I find it difficult to reveal personal things about myself to other people... even simple things like what music I like or which footballer I'm currently pretending to date.  But letting people into my interior life through this blog has been such a rewarding experience because of you guys, and I have found that this has bled over into my everyday, non-internet life as well.

All I can say is that everything really good and amazing that happens in life does so when you allow yourself to be vulnerable to others.  It is the most rewarding and exhilarating feeling in the universe.

Am I turning into Deepak Chopra?  Will Oprah ask me to be on her show??  Will she give me a brand new car???

I'm pretty sure the answer to all of these is a resounding 'Definitely maybe.'

And I can live with that.

Thank you so much for being my 'Others'.

With much love and double rainbows...

Your Pal,
Jess

A Potential Wrench In the Works

I had an exceptionally busy and productive weekend getting things done for the big move.

I bought a couch:

To call this a couch feels like a massive understatement.  This couch is a way of life.  It is the genesis of my new Don Draper-esque existence.

Also, I have very VERY big plans for the old changing table in the back ground.  Soon it will be painted gold and turned into one of these:

This apartment is really just a place
to keep my bar cart.

My mom and I were able to move, wash, and unpack most of my kitchen equipment too... no small task.  I like to cook a lot, but I also apparently think I need enough dishes and utensils to serve the Duggar Family?

So things are going swimmingly EXCEPT that now we have a giant winter storm bearing down on us.  Not cool, Universe.  Not even a little bit cool.

That's all I've got for now... I might be a bit scarce for a couple of weeks while I'm getting moved and unpacked.

Imaginary Valentine Thursday... My Distinguished Austrian Gentleman Edition

Since I don't have an actual Valentine this year (or any year), I'm going on an imaginary Valentine's Day date with the man of my dreams...

Christoph and I have big plans tonight, but first a costume change!

You could probably seduce a man at 20 paces in this.

Who knows what we're going to get up to tonight?!  Champagne?  Candlelight??  Der Humpink???

All I know is the party won't stop until someone is in Freudian method psychoanalysis (because Freud was Austrian... get it?).

I didn't watch a romantic movie last night because I was running and eating cauliflower cheese "bread"sticks.

But here's another of my faves that I totally would have watched if I weren't doing more important things:

Notable for being zingy and hilarious... even 75 years later.

Casual leopard in the backseat.  Brilliant.

Plus Cary Grant in a negligee...

Go forth and spread some disease and drug-free love today, kids!

Happy Galentine's Day

It's February 13th and you know what that means (or possibly you don't)...


IT'S GALENTINE'S DAY, MY FELLOW BEYONCES!!!!!

You are all straight up gangsters just slow strutting across rainbows of ice and fire everyday while maintaining impeccable hair and makeup. Paisley looks amazing on you, YES you should get those eyelash extensions if you want them, and NO I don’t think eating Alfredo sauce straight from a jar is terrible. Your life is yours, nobody can tell you what to do, and I bet you are smart enough to get away with murder.


Now let's go eat waffles and give each other detailed drawings of each other's faces.

Also I watched Down With Love last night which is a terrific movie especially if you love Doris Day movies... and if you don't love Doris Day movies, I have a few questions for you:

- Do you also not love happiness?

- and sunshine?

- and puppy feet?

- Do you regularly shout at little old ladies until they cry?

- Why do you do that?

Fair warning! You will want to revamp your entire wardrobe and house/apartment after watching this. The costumes and sets are so rad.

Not Just For Lovers

I have decided to dedicate this week to love and romance, but, because I don't have my own Valentine (besides my sea captain who is far away at sea), I had to figure out a slightly more creative way to introduce those topics into my daily life.

So this week my blog is devoted to LOVE. Red, capital-lettered love in all of it's varying forms.

I thought I would start by watching a different romantic movie every single night this week... but not just any romantic movies.  None of your Hugh Grant, Meg Ryan, Reese Witherspoon sugar-sweet sap... only movies that really and truly melt the ice from my cold, dead heart and make me feel that true love really does exist.


So first up we have Secretary starring Maggie G and The Spades!

You guys, I love this movie so hard.  It is EVERYTHING Fifty Shades of Grey aspires and fails to be.

First of all, I will preface by saying I am not myself someone that identifies as a BDSM enthusiast/participant so my ability to talk about this in a knowledgeable way is somewhat limited, BUT I do know some people who are, and they are across the board very, very normal and fantastic people.  These are the type of people you stand in line with at the bank on a daily basis, and they have healthy, loving relationships with their partners. They are not Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele (barf me to death).

The plot of this movie is pretty straightforward:  Mousy, fragile young woman (Maggie G) takes a job as a secretary to a tyrannical attorney (The Spades) and they enter into a BDSM sub/dom relationship.

But here is what I love about it... it's a LOVE story that just happens to have BDSM!  Which I think is pretty revolutionary!  In most movies about submissive/dominant relationships the focus is on the sex, and in most cases it is handled as a scary, dark thing that corrupts and takes people down destructive paths.  In this movie the writing and acting do such an amazing job of showing how this type of relationship can be incredibly empowering.  It shows that two people can be loving and tender while still flogging each other with a riding crop.

The thing is that the main character Lee (Maggie G) is incredibly fragile when we first meet her.  She has just left a mental institution where she was sent because of her self-harm habit and sent home to a very unstable environment.  Her boss E. Edward Grey (The Spades) recognizes this sadness and fragility and instead of breaking her down (hello Christian Grey!) empowers her to ask and seek for what she wants... for what is best for her.  It's really beautiful to watch.

This is my absolute favorite scene in the movie.  It happens right before their sexual/romantic relationship begins, and I think you can really see exactly what I'm talking about above.  PLEASE watch the entire 5 minutes... it's so beautiful and sweet and amazing... and kind of sexy too.

I love how at the beginning of the scene Mr. Grey looks so predatory... like the big, bad wolf waiting to eat her up, and then the second he admits he is shy his body language changes.  He becomes soft and vulnerable and tender.  And then the strength and steel comes back at the end, and it is absolutely what she needs.  She needs both... the vulnerability and the strength.

The other really strong point of the movie is that it establishes that these two were absolutely meant for just each other... it's not just that they have the BDSM thing in common... you walk away knowing that they are absolutely soul mates.  I just love that.

So I really can't recommend this movie enough... some of the actual BDSM scenes are a little cartoonish, but they never detract from the tender message behind it all.

And as a little something extra, here is a poem about Little Red Riding Hood that really reminds me of this movie (lots of great, not so subtle references to Little Red Riding Hood in the movie... I think Lee actually wears a red cape at one point and the office is very green and shadowy like a forest... great art direction in the movie as well!).  It's from Joseph Gordon Levitt's hitRECord website and is written by user JulesKD.

But What If I Want To Be Eaten

"I see you have fine taste,"
the Wolf said, eyeing my basket of flowers,
"step off of the path, if you'd like to,
and we'll while away a few hours."
 
"Don't do it!" the Huntsman cried out,
"Think of your honor, your virtue!
He's a jerk, you don't know any better.
Come with me, and I never will hurt you."
 
A typical Nice Guy, the Huntsman:
his aim is to own and defeat me
"Wolf," I said, "you want what I want,
so get on your knees then, and eat me."

And Another Thing...

I think we should talk about how much of a boner Jack White gave me last night at the Grammys.  He just killed it... absolutely knifed it to within an inch of its life.

Jack White - Love Interruption & Freedom At 21... by IdolxMuzic

In particular, please take note of the moment at 1:10 when Ruby Amanfu delicately molests Jack's chest. I think Ruby deserves a lot of respect for showing an incredible amount of restraint and aplomb.

Here Are Some Things That Happened While I Was Away

Okay... I know it's been like 4 months since I came back from vacation and I still haven't finished telling you about it, but it's just really hard ya know?  Because I don't have all of the photos because Kristine took a lot of pictures and she hasn't sent me copies of them, plus I just don't know where to start and now I look like an asshole (like always... let's be honest).

So I'll just hit some high points and let's be done with this entire thing.


EDVIN the Bosnian waiter 

I took exactly one photo of Edvin and it is darling.  Unfortunately I took it with Kristine's camera and I don't have the picture to show to you.  Son of a bitch.

Here are the things that you should know about Edvin:
- HATES his job.
- Looks miserable and Bosnian all of the time.
- Told us the best thing to do in Nassau was to go to the McDonald's, have a cigarette, and use the WiFi.

I really wanted to extend an offer to Edvin for a marriage of convenience so he could get off of that boat and come to America where we have WiFi, McDonald's, and all the cigarettes you could ever smoke.

Sometimes I lay awake at night and worry that Edvin might jump overboard and try to swim back to Bosnia.

You guys, Bosnia doesn't even have a sea coast (okay... that is technically a lie because it has one teeny-tiny piece of coast that Croatia let it have as, like, a joke or something).

The Captain

I just want to say that even though this photo with the captain is perfect and wonderful, it's not even the best part of our love story.

Because, you guys, after this photo was taken (either later the same day or the next day... I can't remember) Kristine and I were hanging out on a balcony area at the front of the ship that was right in front of the bridge, and Kristine noticed that someone on the bridge was waving at us.  IT WAS THE CAPTAIN.

As in the Captain of a SHIP was on the bridge of said ship, recognized us, and ENTHUSIASTICALLY WAVED AT US.

He is the absolute best.  Also I got to hear him say the word 'g-string' and use his hands to make a 'Y' shape to demonstrate the shape a g-string takes as it travels through the buttocks.  I am not going to give you any context for why he would be doing this.  Use your imagination... I know I did.

The Singles Group

Not long into our cruise Kristine and I noticed a large number of people on the boat wearing these god-awful craft-astic necklaces with their names spelled out in beads.  We could not figure out what the deal was.  Then Kristine noticed one of them wearing a shirt that said 'Singlescruises.com' or something like that and we put it together.

This group became the cruise ship equivalent of watching your "stories" everyday.  Y&R has nothing on Singlescruises.com.  I still worry about the fate of Cindy and Ira.  What ever happened to the grey haired pony tail guy... did he ever get laid???  And don't even get me started on the love triangles that developed!  Good good viewing, kids.

The Douche-y Beard That Almost Stole Our Hearts

One day our 'hot dude' radar detected an above average specimen with a magnificent beard amongst the crew.  We couldn't figure out what his job was, but we liked to imagine it had something to do with splicing ropes and building things. He was manly and sweet jesus mcgillicudy THAT BEARD. It turns out he was just a guitar player that played in the pub most nights, but our love was strong for exactly two days.  He played mostly country western songs with a smattering of John Mayer and Hootie and the Blowfish... and we were willing to forgive him for that because DUDE that beard was legit.  We even drank really gross beer from Haiti for 3 hours so we could stare at him.

And then he showed up one night looking like this:

Worst photo ever. I know.

And for exactly two seconds our love burned brighter than a thousand red giant stars, and then immediately black-holed because we realized he was obviously banging the stick insect assistant cruise director.

No one has ever hated someone as hard as we hated these two after that.  So was it true love?  I don't know, but I do know that I can get suckered pretty hard by a good beard.

We Did Things.

Here's a picture of my pasty white thighs on a beach in St. Thomas.  It was the most beautiful beach I've ever seen in my very limited beach experience.

And here's a picture of a catamaran in Antigua we went out on and went snorkeling from IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN. Amazing.

And here's a panoramic photo of the most beautiful place I've ever been and plan to return to with the love of my life as soon as I meet him, drug him, and convince him to be my life partner.

So sure there were lots and lots of other things that happened, but for me these are the highlights and what I think I'll remember about this trip 10 years from now.

We had an incredible time.

When the Moon is in the Seventh House...

I love astrology.  But only really good astrology... and by that I mean astrology that challenges you to really think about your self and your life.

I have only ever found one astrologist that I read on a regular basis and his name is Rob Brezsny.  His website Free Will Astrology is one I can honest to God/Goddess/Glob/Beyonce say has changed my life. His weekly horoscopes challenge me to think about... I mean REALLY think about... myself and my choices and the person I am trying to be.

This week, however, I'm super perplexed by my horoscope:

So... I should just like sit tight and do nothing?  That sounds great???

In the meantime I'm having a weirdly spectacular week in spite of nothing actually happening.

It's like I'm slow strutting across a thousand million rainbows and nothing can break my stride.  Also I managed to get the eyeliner 'kitten flicks' on both eyes to match which never happens except on Tuesday nights when I'm at home watching re-runs of Wings and no one will see it anyways.

All I know is that I feel like I should be on Beyonce and Jay-Z's yacht flirting with male models from Baltic countries I've never heard of while drinking champagne from a glass rimmed with actual diamond dust, but it's okay that i'm not because I feel like my life is on the exact track it is supposed to be on and something amazing is in store for me this year.

So basically the hippies have won and I have rainbows and unicorns shooting out of every pore on my body.

We're going to finish the week out strong, kids.

Find The Others

This web comic hit me particularly hard yesterday...

© Gavin Aung Than. Source.

I think this is going to be the theme of my year.  Besides terrifying myself, I'm going to find the others...  which is in and of itself terrifying.

AHEM!

Oh HI!!

Did you see?! Did you SEE?!!  That's me and the Italian Sea Captain of My Heart and Soul.

Or here... this is better (Sorry, Kris!!):

So, in addition to falling in lurve with a sea captain, it was an incredibly eventful and fun trip!

We started the first day in the airport in Wichita... I arrived approximately 8 hours early because I am a cursed with the infamous Hensley Compulsive Punctuality Disorder.

The travel was uneventful, and we arrived at our hotel in South Beach unscathed. After a minor problem involving our hotel reservation, we checked in and went out to explore.

We found out that something called the 'Art Deco Weekend' was going on... lots of vendors and live music on Ocean Drive.  We wandered around, ate giant slices of pizza at Pizza Rustica...

I think this had goat cheese and olives... it was really good.

I got hit on and ran away from some creepy dude who wanted to 'be my boyfriend', and participated in FREE! happy hour at our hotel..

All in all it was a good night.

We woke up bright and early Saturday and made our way to the famous News Cafe for breakfast...

Eggs Florentine.. yum!

And finally got our first look at the actual beach...

We loaded up in a taxi and made our way to the ship...

The hair situation... I was having issues with the humidity.

And within like 15 minutes we were already on the ship.... seriously the EASIEST embarkation.  Way to go Carnival!!

We said ' Au Revoir Auf Wiedersehen Hasta Luego' to Miami...

And the real party was underway...

These were disgusting... and free.

TO BE CONTINUED... DUN DUN DUN.

Hello Strangers!

I'm getting back into the old non-vacation normal life groove so I will have photos and Tales of Cruising Shenanigans next week... most likely Monday.

In the meantime  I'd like you to watch this clip of Jess and Nick kissing on this week's episode of New Girl and let it send you into a spiraling out of control tornado of feelings.  Because that's what it does to me.

That second smaller kiss is basically a hot knife thrust right into the center of my cold, dead heart.