February 11, 2013

Here Are Some Things That Happened While I Was Away

Okay... I know it's been like 4 months since I came back from vacation and I still haven't finished telling you about it, but it's just really hard ya know?  Because I don't have all of the photos because Kristine took a lot of pictures and she hasn't sent me copies of them, plus I just don't know where to start and now I look like an asshole (like always... let's be honest).

So I'll just hit some high points and let's be done with this entire thing.

EDVIN the Bosnian waiter 

I took exactly one photo of Edvin and it is darling.  Unfortunately I took it with Kristine's camera and I don't have the picture to show to you.  Son of a bitch.

Here are the things that you should know about Edvin:
- HATES his job.
- Looks miserable and Bosnian all of the time.
- Told us the best thing to do in Nassau was to go to the McDonald's, have a cigarette, and use the WiFi.

I really wanted to extend an offer to Edvin for a marriage of convenience so he could get off of that boat and come to America where we have WiFi, McDonald's, and all the cigarettes you could ever smoke.

Sometimes I lay awake at night and worry that Edvin might jump overboard and try to swim back to Bosnia.

You guys, Bosnia doesn't even have a sea coast (okay... that is technically a lie because it has one teeny-tiny piece of coast that Croatia let it have as, like, a joke or something).

The Captain

I just want to say that even though this photo with the captain is perfect and wonderful, it's not even the best part of our love story.

Because, you guys, after this photo was taken (either later the same day or the next day... I can't remember) Kristine and I were hanging out on a balcony area at the front of the ship that was right in front of the bridge, and Kristine noticed that someone on the bridge was waving at us.  IT WAS THE CAPTAIN.

As in the Captain of a SHIP was on the bridge of said ship, recognized us, and ENTHUSIASTICALLY WAVED AT US.

He is the absolute best.  Also I got to hear him say the word 'g-string' and use his hands to make a 'Y' shape to demonstrate the shape a g-string takes as it travels through the buttocks.  I am not going to give you any context for why he would be doing this.  Use your imagination... I know I did.

The Singles Group

Not long into our cruise Kristine and I noticed a large number of people on the boat wearing these god-awful craft-astic necklaces with their names spelled out in beads.  We could not figure out what the deal was.  Then Kristine noticed one of them wearing a shirt that said 'Singlescruises.com' or something like that and we put it together.

This group became the cruise ship equivalent of watching your "stories" everyday.  Y&R has nothing on Singlescruises.com.  I still worry about the fate of Cindy and Ira.  What ever happened to the grey haired pony tail guy... did he ever get laid???  And don't even get me started on the love triangles that developed!  Good good viewing, kids.

The Douche-y Beard That Almost Stole Our Hearts

One day our 'hot dude' radar detected an above average specimen with a magnificent beard amongst the crew.  We couldn't figure out what his job was, but we liked to imagine it had something to do with splicing ropes and building things. He was manly and sweet jesus mcgillicudy THAT BEARD. It turns out he was just a guitar player that played in the pub most nights, but our love was strong for exactly two days.  He played mostly country western songs with a smattering of John Mayer and Hootie and the Blowfish... and we were willing to forgive him for that because DUDE that beard was legit.  We even drank really gross beer from Haiti for 3 hours so we could stare at him.

And then he showed up one night looking like this:

Worst photo ever. I know.

And for exactly two seconds our love burned brighter than a thousand red giant stars, and then immediately black-holed because we realized he was obviously banging the stick insect assistant cruise director.

No one has ever hated someone as hard as we hated these two after that.  So was it true love?  I don't know, but I do know that I can get suckered pretty hard by a good beard.

We Did Things.

Here's a picture of my pasty white thighs on a beach in St. Thomas.  It was the most beautiful beach I've ever seen in my very limited beach experience.

And here's a picture of a catamaran in Antigua we went out on and went snorkeling from IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN. Amazing.

And here's a panoramic photo of the most beautiful place I've ever been and plan to return to with the love of my life as soon as I meet him, drug him, and convince him to be my life partner.

So sure there were lots and lots of other things that happened, but for me these are the highlights and what I think I'll remember about this trip 10 years from now.

We had an incredible time.


  1. OMG, the bearded guitar player! I had a major married-girl crush on him, too!!! And yeah...we noticed he was all over Praying Mantis. Saw them canoodling at the steakhouse bar, and then ran into them at a pub in Tortola. Sad, but he was fun to look at (and listen to).

    1. I'm so excited we weren't the only ones onto these two!! He was pretty awesome to look at.

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    3. Oh and I really liked the review you did on Cruise Critic!! Much much more comprehensive and informative than this nonsense here :)

  2. Aww, thanks! I need to buck up and finish it, but I've lost my oomph. :)

  3. That was a great recap! I hear you on the beards--I fall pretty hard for them myself.

  4. I almost snorted tea out my nose more than a few times there. And I highly approve of the extensive use of the hot guy radar during your trip! What else are vacations for amiright.

    And I might be slightly in love with Edvin myself right now. Poor Edvin.

  5. I want to go on a cruise, I might even have to sign up with singlecruise....

    1. DON'T DO IT. I mean, YES do go on a cruise, but unless your target demographic is gross 50 year old men (not awesome Roberto Mancini types), don't even bother.

  6. Oh dear sweet baby Jesus, I can't wait to go on my cruise now. I mean, how will I possibly top your beard love and captain shout outs and singlecruise.com?! I'm going to try, I know I'll fail, but I'm going to TRY.


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