February 28, 2013

Imaginary Boyfriend Thursday... Awkward Junior High Dance Edition

I think it's time we familiarized ourselves with some of our future imaginary boyfriends at FC Bayern Munich.

I'm so excited that Pep Guardiola will be managing here next season.  Seriously, when he announced that he was leaving my baybeez at Barcelona (but would definitely coach again in the future), Munich was the team I favored for him when everyone else was suggesting Chelsea, Arsenal, and Manchester.  I'm not saying he chose Munich because it was my favorite, but it clear indicates the intellectual mind meld we have and the level of respect he has for my opinions. We're a great match on every level.

So I'm guessing I'll be watching a lot of live streams of Bundesliga matches on the internet in the upcoming year and I think it's important that we timidly cross the vast expanse of the junior high gym floor and introduce ourselves to these boys so we can awkwardly sway with them to Come Sail Away by Styx in dresses we borrowed from cousins and older sisters.

Here are a few I have my eye on:

1. Manuel Neuer

You guys, I don't know how to accurately describe to you how much Manuel is exactly like an overgrown Golden Retriever puppy.  Just overeager and as happy as can be.  He's the goalkeeper, but he can't stand to be confined to the penalty area... he's always trying to push forward and help score goals with varying degrees of success (mostly zero success).  He loves Nutella and probably candy and watching cartoons.  He is precious. He's also like 8 feet tall of something.

I feel like Manu sometimes gets lost trying to get home and just starts following a random person like a stray dog in the hopes that they will adopt him and feed him Nutella.  I will be that random person and he can have all of the Nutella in the universe.

Also, look at this gif of him looking like an 8 year old being forced to attend an awards banquet:

I will make you pancakes forever, darling.  And then climb you like a tree.

2. Mario Gomez

Yes, Mario Gomez is German, but his father is Spanish.  Since Pep is Spanish and I'm Pep's special lady friend, I'll probably be spending a lot of time around Mario.  I'm guessing some pretty intense feelings could develop, you guys.

Mario is the star forward for the team. He's pretty awesome.  And he just broke up with his girlfriend of like 15 years or something so he's clearly in the market for a rebound.  Looks like everything is coming up Jess!

Important Mario Fact!  Boy oh boy can he wear a suit.

A lot of people ask me why I love soccer so much.  It's pretty obvious isn't it?

Clearly it's because it's a beautiful game combining individual physical stamina and mental acuity with team work to create a fluid, at times balletic, visual spectacle.

Also, sometimes the players' clothing gets disheveled and you catch glimpses of their spectacular bodies on live televison.  It's pretty rad, you guys.

Well, we've got lots more players to meet... Bayern Munich doesn't fuck around when it comes to hot dudes, but we've done some good work to get ourselves started.


  1. I'd sway awkwardly with Mario to Come Sail Away ANY day. But I'd also wait eagerly for Genuwine's Pony to come on so we could really get down in the school gym drrrty style.

    1. Whoa taking it awesome and old school with the Ginuwine... now I have to go download some music for my new '7th Grade Dance' playlist.

    2. Grrl, they live in my iPod at all times. Never know when Channing Tatum will show up and lament that he'd love to strip and hump the floor but can't without Pony playing, I'll then be there to help a fella out.

  2. A thoroughly entertaining post! It made me laugh several times, particularly the line about making Manu pancakes and then climbing him like a tree. :)

    1. I think telling a man you would climb him like a tree is pretty much the highest compliment you can give him.

  3. I don't know who any of these fellows are, but anyone who loves pancakes, Nutella, and is 8 feet tall is okay in my books.

    1. I never guessed that one of the things we would have in common is similar taste in men. The more you know!


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