Who would have thought that I could draw ice cubes better than I could make those bracket thingamajigs? Definitely not me.
Okay... glasses up and ready!
"Here's to a clear conscience or a poor memory... L'Chaim!"
*Clink*
I'll be talking at y'all in the new year, so have a GREAT one. Don't forget to wear your yellow underpants and throw a bucket of water out the window at midnight!
I gave the title of this post three exclamation points to make it seem more exciting than it actually is. See... what happens is I post the first five songs that came up on my iPod this morning without any commentary or explanation. The potential for embarrassment is muy high (someday that Pussycat Dolls song is going to pop up and it's going to be pretty painful to not just skip past it).
Here goes nothing.
1. Justin Timberlake - Sexy Ladies
2. Laid Back - White Horse
3. Foo Fighters - The One
4. Phantom Planet - California
5. Amy Winehouse - Rehab
You know, this First Five could either be the first five songs that randomly came up on my iPod, or it could be the soundtrack from a very special episode of The Hills.
Hey Kids! I'm back from doing whatever it is my family does at Christmas time (mostly hibernating in the middle of nowhere in Kansas... which is a whole new degree of middle of nowhere that most people from other parts of the country would find terrifying).
So anyways, going to this middle of nowhere place my family spends Christmas meant that I had to give up using the internet machine for almost 5 DAYS... it was just awful.
So these are the things I've been doing that I couldn't tell strangers on the internet about, and really... what is the point in doing anything if you can't do that?
1. Eating lasagna... which I also made because I am magic and can do magic things like that.
2. Eating blueberry pie with vanilla ice cream to cut the sweetness.
3. Spending my windfall on the only things you're allowed to spend lottery money on: shoes and costume jewelry.
4. Watching old movies and re-runs of Wings (but that's pretty much an average Tuesday).
5. Learning lots of important facts like what an 'egg addler' does and the history of Esperanto from my brand new Uncle John's Bathroom Reader. You guys, I love these books... it feeds my addiction for useless facts and trivia, but here's a fact: I pretty much never read them in the bathroom. I'm much too sophisticated to do something that obvious. I might as well wear the t-shirt of the band I'm seeing in concert to the concert. Bourgeois to the max.
Someday when I am absolutely mired in a filthy amount of wealth and prestige I intend to host a fabulous party every year on Christmas eve.
In my mind it will be like this:
From Pinterest.
But also a lot like this:
With an occasional measure of poetic overindulgent melancholy like that in the house party scene at the end of La Dolce Vita. But not too much because too much existentialism just absolutely ruins a good time.
Super busy today... it's the last push before this place shuts down for Christmas break (huzzah!). So I think that is the cause of my blogger's block this morning.
That and I'm still trying to process the American Horror Story season finale from last night.
Also I think listening to Karen Carpenter sing Christmas songs has put me into a dulcet, melodious coma this morning. It's the Christmas music equivalent of Xanax.
So I guess in the meantime you could watch these guys auditioning for a kung fu movie. Over and over and over again.
This is what I did yesterday while being a bitch on the phone:
It's a picture of me and Christoph Waltz holding hands and eating ice cream cones.
In a Park.
The park is in a big city (see the skyscrapers in the background), but... wait! It's Paris! See the Eiffel Tour (the big black A on the horizon)! Wow!!
How charming!
Also my dog Henry is with us, and he doesn't even need a leash because he is so well trained!
And I'm wearing high heels and they don't even hurt my feet a little bit! Look at my tiny waist!
I'm eating mint chocolate chip ice cream, and Christoph is having some weird Austrian flavor I've never even heard of.
You can tell how happy I am because I'm smiling, Christoph is so happy too, but it's hard to tell sometimes because he's Austrian.
We had a really good day together in the park, and then we went home to our cabin and watched Designing Women re-runs and made crafts with popsicle sticks and yarn.
Well, it looks like the stress invited itself in at about 7:00 last night and is here to stay for the day... possibly the remainder of the season.
This happens every. goddamn. year.
What happens is I go all Christmas!Christmas!Christmas for 3 solid months and then a big avalanche of money, energy, to-do list, reality problems starts punching me in the stomach. And sometimes I get so worn down that I get sick on Christmas.
It's so super fun, you guys!!
As I recently told a good friend, if you haven't cried over a to-do list at least once during the holidays, you aren't doing it right.
But it will sort itself out because it always does, and, because I am a Pioneer, I will figure it out.
I will figure it out the White Girl way... which mainly involves a lot of coffee and being a bitch to people on the phone, but you know what, guys?
Emerald City by Revlon with Seche Vite Top Coat. Pardon my less than spectacular nail beds.
A lot of this...
This ridiculous (and embarrassingly awesome) song...
And some of these...
I would take a better photo, but I ate it the second I took this photo.
Which are from this recipe...
Oreo Truffles
Ingredients:
1 pkg. Oreo cookies
1 8oz pkg. cream cheese, softened
2 boxes Baker's Semi-sweet chocolate
Crush the Oreos ( I used the food processor, but I've also used a blender and a rolling pin for this task). Set aside approximately 1/2 cup or crumbs for decorating the truffles later. Place the rest in a bowl, add the cream cheese and beat with a mixer until you can no longer see any white. Roll into walnut sized balls and place on a foil lined cookie sheet. Put the balls into the refrigerator to firm up... about 30 minutes.
In the meantime. unwrap all of the chocolate and place in a microwave safe bowl. Melt according to instructions (on the back of the box). Using the method of your choice (I employ 2 toothpicks. One to spike the ball and drop into the chocolate, the other to remove the ball from the toothpick) dip each truffle into chocolate and place back onto foil lined sheet. Sprinkle with some of the reserved crushed cookies. This hides the toothpick hole and makes them prettier.
Put the truffles back into the refrigerator to chill for approximately 30 minutes or as long as you can stand, whichever comes first. Now proceed to eat yourself sick.
With all of these in my arsenal I am fully prepared to make this Monday my prison bitch, y'all.
P.S. Did anyone else watch the 'Geek Love' show on TLC last night? It was awesome, awkward, and gloriously cute. I want the guy Chewie (he does a Chewbacca impression) and the Mandalorian (spelling?) girl to hook up! They are perfect for each other.
I know it seems for some of us that the weight of a multitude of problems is threatening to crush every ounce of joy from what is supposed to be the hap-hap-happiest of seasons. My message to you is simple: despair not. This too shall pass... I am sure of this with every ounce of my being. Do your best to keep your chin up... it's worth it. It's always worth it.
People have spent eons waxing poetic on the themes of 'Tomorrow is another day' and 'the only thing to fear is fear itself'. For those that are suffering, this seems like ill comfort, and, yet, I will always have faith in the basic human ability to endure and thrive in times of hardship.
This year I've been reading a lot about the pioneers. Let's look to them as our role models of perseverance and strength. I remember as a child reading about Laura Ingalls' Christmas on the Kansas Prairie. That year she received a penny, a tin cup and a stick of candy for Christmas from a kind neighbor who risked his life to make sure she got something from Santa Claus. Not only was that enough, it was everything.
I recently spoke to my parents about Christmases from our past, and my mom recalled how poor we were and how down she used to feel while worrying about how they were going to get presents for my brother and I. I remember none of this. I remember how excited I was over a Muppet Babies keyboard and a coloring book. It doesn't take much to make a child happy. We should all remember this.
I hope with all my heart that your Christmas holds some small piece of this kind of magic... it is magic that doesn't come from gifts, Christmas trees and candy, but from knowing that you are loved and treasured by those around you. There is no way to anticipate what the new year will bring, but have faith that it will be good. And remember, as the song goes, 'Have yourself a merry little Christmas. Let your hearts be light. Next year all our troubles will be out of sight.'
We're doing this again, because fuckfuckfuckityfuck I'm busy. Why do these people think I should be working when i'm at work!? What a grand gang of assholes.
Kidding, of course. I love my job... especially the paycheck part.
So the game is that these are the first five songs that came up on my iPod this morning... presented with as little commentary or explanation as possible.
I know... it's kind of lame, but it's all I've got right now. Deal with it, mother truckers.
1. JJ Jackson - But It's Alright
2. Graham Coxon - Bittersweet Bundle of Misery
3. The King's Singers - Annie Laurie
I couldn't find the version by The King's Singers on YouTube, but this is similar.
4. Duke Ellington - It Don't Mean A Thing (If It Ain't Got That Swing)
5. The Ting Tings - Great DJ
Once again... this exercise has accurately depicted what a total and absolute nerd I am. I mean... Annie Laurie sung by a choir?? Am I 72 years old?
Well I must run...I have some reruns of Matlock to watch while eating Werther's Originals.
In less than 40 days I will be on a cruise ship on my way to Jamaica, Grand Cayman and Cozumel. I'm just a little bit excited... actually I'm like this:
Because of these SANTAAAA levels of excitement I'm already planning what I will be packing... especially what I will be packing to wear on the two formal nights on the cruise.
Here's the thing... my adult/semi-adult life has an amazing dearth of opportunities to play dress up. I'm not married, I didn't go to prom, and I've never even been a bridesmaid. So when I get to dress up for something I get pretty carried away with the planning.
Now I'm not planning to go Full Dynasty on formal night.
Although, let's be honest, if money were no object you better believe this shit would happen.
Instead I'm going for a more boho glamour look... we'll call it Champagne and Hippies.
The first formal night outfit is pretty much fait accompli... I'm keeping it simple: Black cocktail dress, black open toed heels, hair up with something sparkly in my hair to vajazzle it up a little (I'm not going to get vajazzled, you guys... I'm talking about the hair on my head... ew).
So I need some opinions on accessories and hair for the second dress.
I'm wearing this:
It's much more of a rust color than the pumpkin orange in this photo. And the beading on the cuffs is gold, not shiny gold... more of a dull finish gold.
I'm wearing black opaque tights and, most likely, these shoes:
These are from Target, and they were pretty comfortable which is a priority for me. I have a very low tolerance for hurt-y feet.
Originally I was thinking of wearing a long necklace with a large pendant of some sort, but now I'm wondering if I would prefer wearing big (like Dynasty big) gold chandelier earrings. I have an aversion to wearing a big necklace with big earrings... I prefer to pick either/or. OR what about a shorter necklace... like a bold, bib style.
Like most all white girls of my generation, I enjoy taking photos. Because of this I sometimes like to swap my endearingly-nerdy-trucker-hat persona for my oohlala-pretentious-artiste-beret persona... metaphorically speaking, of course (I don't own, nor would I ever own, a trucker hat. Blech).
I can't draw, as I have very clearly demonstrated, so my artistic expression tends more towards the photography vein... mostly out of necessity.
I am not that great, guys. I am the Tiny Tim of photographers, and Photoshop is my crutch (I think in this metaphor my inability to understand aperture is my tiny withered foot). But, hey, it's fun and gets my creative mojo going.
Most of these are pretty old. I haven't really used my camera in over a year (most expensive paperweight ever)... probably because while I was laid off last year I shut off my internet, and, you guys, what is the point of taking photos if you can't force everyone on the internet machine to look at them? I mean, really?
Basically, I'm sharing these in order to somehow trick myself into being motivated to take more. Why I need to be tricked into doing something I enjoy I do not know or understand... such are the mysteries of me, I guess.
First, my pug Henry (the best dog model ever):
Some photos from a trip to Savannah, GA:
And some random bits and bats (aka If You Take A Picture of Something (Anything) Really Close Up, It's Totes Art, You Guys):
Maybe I should break out the old DSLR and do one of those 30 Photos, 30 days challenge thingamajigs? That might really cut into my sitting on my ass watching re-runs of Criminal Minds time, though. Dilemmas.
Still obnoxiously busy... still convinced adulthood is a giant crock.
These are the first five songs that came up on my iPod this morning presented with as little commentary or explanation as possible.
1. The Chiffons - Dream, Dream, Dream
(Note: Okay this video is atrocious, but it's the only one I could find for this song. This artwork looks like something Christopher Walken's 'The Continental' character from SNL would have in his apartment. My personal favorite is the painting of the topless woman erupting from a volcano!)
2. They Might Be Giants - Spiraling Shape
3. Lady Gaga (featuring Beyonce) - Telephone
4. The Jam - News of the World
5. Salt N Pepa - Let's Talk About Sex
And you know what, this exercise has done a better job of explaining me than any amount of writing about myself could ever accomplish.
Holy hell I'm busy today. What is this bullshit where I have to work instead of play on the internet and blog? Just Awful. In the meantime, check out some of these bits and bats from the internet I think you should know about.
1. Kelly Oxford - I hope I'm just like Kelly Oxford when I'm a mom someday. No doubt she is one of the funniest people on the internet.
2.I Suwannee - every photo on Jamie Meares' blog makes me want to be more bold and awesome with my decorating. She and her store Furbish are rad.
3. My Favorite and My Best - Jenny's blog is like a combo of Kelly Oxford and I Suwannee... awesome decor and hilarious commentary. Her stream of conscious American Horror Story recaps are my favorite and my best.
4. Texts From Bennett - This is my new favorite thing on the entire internet this week. Bennett is the real deal gangsta... if a gangsta is a white boy who works at Amoco. Consider this gem:
Image from Texts from Bennett
5. Hooked On Houses - If you are like me and like to browse MLS listings on Realtor.com just for fun, man oh man have I got a blog for you. My favorite articles are on TV and Movie houses. Here is one on the house from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Lots of fun behind the scenes trivia!
Pretty much my whole adolescence I fantasized about picking up and moving to New York City. I'm far too much of a coward to ever actually do this, and, having actually been to NYC, I know that all of the things I thought I would love about it would slowly drive me bat shit insane.
Also, I like Kansas... it took me a long time to learn how to like it. I know I'm not ever supposed to admit that... I'm supposed to despise Kansas, at least, that is what decades of movies and television shows have taught us, right? That Kansas is a place you reject and flee as soon as you can, because once you get out of that god forsaken, nowhere place full of bigots and religious assholes your real life can begin. But I don't feel that way.
I love the wide, open spaces. I love that you can drive 30 minutes and be someplace that doesn't look all that different from what it might have looked like 150 years ago when pioneers found their way here. I love that it isn't "pretty" in that obvious way some places are. I don't know what it's like to live a place where the beauty, natural or man made, just smacks you in the face. I like the emptiness. A place where the sky is so big you can see what the weather will be in 5 hours.
I can stare at the ocean and mostly feel nothing except that it is really, really incomprehensibly big, but put me in the middle of a wheat field in early June and ask me what I feel... I would struggle to explain it to you.
My pal Kari at The Sunset Lane put up this fun Christmas survey yesterday, and since I love talking about myself ad nauseum (hence the existence of this blog), I thought I would give it a shot!
1. Egg nog or hot chocolate?
Yes, please! You guys, you could pour both of these together into a punch bowl and I would happily drink it. I love sugar... ALL THE SUGAR.
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just set them under the tree? We always had wrapped gifts under the tree, and then Christmas Eve Santa would leave a big present (unwrapped) and our fill our stockings. My parents still do it this way... yes, that means I am (almost) 30 and I still get presents from "Santa". Child for life, y'all!
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Okay... let's talk about my dad. My dad has a weird hang up about red Christmas lights because, get this, he says "Red lights will make our house look like a whore house." Yeah, Dad... I'm sure people driving through our neighborhood in the suburbs are going to mistake our 1970s ranch style house for a whore house. But, then, last year he decided to make himself a Festivus pole for the front yard and proceeded to cover it with red lights!! WHAT? If anything looks whore house-y it's that stripper pole you put in the front yard covered in red Christmas lights. What a weirdo.
So we have pretty much always had white lights on house and tree, which I kind of like now. Ideally it would look like this:
4. Do you hang mistletoe? We had some once when I was a kid, but I don't even know where one would buy mistletoe.
5. When do you put your decorations up? Usually the first weekend of December or the weekend after Thanksgiving. I drove up to the house on Monday and felt like I was pulling up to Ebenezer Scrooge's house... it was the only one on the street without so much as wreath. So I forced myself to haul everything out and I didn't stop until it looked like Santa had puked all over the inside of our house. I feel so much better now. Next up will be some good ol' fashioned exterior illumination... including the stripper Festivus pole.
6. What is your favorite holiday dish? I lalalalove those meatballs covered in jelly and chili sauce. I make them every year on Christmas Eve. Holy JEEZ.
7. Favorite holiday memory as a child? One year when I was around 5 my brother and I both got bikes from Santa. I got a super adorable banana seat bike with a basket and my brother got a sweet 10 speed bike. My brother insisted on riding his THAT DAY even though it was snowy and icy outside... and then proceeded in the first 8 feet of riding his new bicycle to flip himself over the handle bars. Good Christmas time fun!
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I don't sleep Christmas Eve. I can't. Even now I just can't no matter how hard I try. Christmas Eve, for me, is a midnight vigil wherein I argue with myself over when it is appropriate to go and see what Santa has brought me. Well one year when I was probably 7 or 8 I decided it was okay to check things out WAAAAY to early, and I caught my parents assembly a hamster cage for my brother. Oops.
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? NEVER.
10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? My tree is decorated with miscellaneous glass ornaments... just kind of whimsical, vintage-y things I like, and lots of bead garland and lights. My parents tree is a big, wonderful hodge podge of all of the ornaments we have accumulated over the years: the ones my mom made from Christmas cards when they were first married and broke, the ones my brother and I made in school, and nicer ones from the last 15 years or so that we have bought from Hallmark. We usually get a new Hallmark ornament every year.
11. Snow! love it or dread it? You guys, I could honest to God live somewhere it snowed 90% of the year. It does not bother me in the least.
12. Can you ice skate? I tried one time and I hated it. Most of the time, if I try something and I am not immediately good at it, I hate it and quit. So there.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Maybe the bikes, or the giant chalkboard easel, or my Barbie Ferrari, or the Cabbage Patch Kids. You guys, we were so poor when i was a kid, but my parents killed it at making Christmas magical! For reals.
14. What’s the most important thing about the holidays for you? Something intangible... just being able to feel the absolute magic of the holiday. Something about people decorating their houses with lights and sparkle and glitter just because it's pretty and kids being excited and people making an effort to be with their families and the crisp air and (hopefully) the snow. It just all adds up to magic.
15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? Candy, candy canes, candy corn and syrup. It would be easier to list the desserts I don't like because it would be a list of nothing.
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Christmas morning. I am always the first up (reference question 8 above), and around 3 or 4 a.m. (I KNOW) I wake the rest of my family up, then around 6:30 we call my aunt, uncle and grandparents and they come over for Christmas breakfast. Like clockwork every year. I reject all other traditions. My theoretical future husband will just have to deal with it.
17. What tops your tree? An angel.
18. Which do you prefer: giving or receiving? I love giving gifts. I can't wait to have children to give gifts to... I can't even imagine how wonderful it will be to see their faces Christmas morning.
19. Candy canes: yuck or yum? Whatevs.
20. Favorite christmas movie?
It's like you are asking me to pick my favorite child. Holy shit. Ummmm... It wouldn't be Christmas without National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. I watch it about 5 times and spend the rest of the year quoting it.
21. Saddest christmas song?
Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas... because it's about having a happy Christmas even when you are going through a difficult time.
22. What is your favorite Christmas song? Fairytale of New York by The Pogues... this is one of my favorite songs full stop.
Some of my very most favoritest things to watch at Christmas time are Christmas episodes of my favorite TV shows.
Here are some I highly recommend.
1 The Office (the UK version starring Ricky Gervais)
This is a two-part special that was filmed as a sort of epilogue to the original series. It is balls out AMAZING. Beware fans of the US version of The Office, watching this will ruin Jim and Pam's love story. They are bullshit compared to the seething Victorian melodrama of Tim Canterbury and Dawn Tinsley.
After you watch this the song 'Only You' by Yaz will become a Christmas song even though it isn't.
2. Wings - A Terminal Christmas (Season 1)
To be honest, I just picked the Christmas episode from the first season to make it easy. I love the show Wings. I own it on DVD... all of them, every season. I might be the only person in the world to own every episode ever made of Wings. I hope not, but there is a strong possibility that I am. And I'm becoming okay with that.
3. A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All!
Stephen Colbert filmed a Christmas special for The Colbert Report and released it on DVD... and it is just so stupid... so stupid and so funny.
4. Seinfeld - The Strike
In my family this is the king of "Christmas" episodes... and it's not even a Christmas episode. This is the episode of Seinfeld where we all learned about the holiday of Festivus. And the world was never the same again.
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